


Doing Something Better

by goodyfresh



Series: Steven Universe: After the Future [1]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Romance, Angst with a Happy Ending, Aromantic Peridot (Steven Universe), Awkward Romance, Canon Compliant, Comedy, Eventual Romance, F/F, F/M, Future Fic, Jasper Has Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD (Steven Universe), Jasper Redemption (Steven Universe), Lapis Lazuli Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Making Up, Nerd Peridot (Steven Universe), Past Abuse, Past Torture, Post-Canon, Post-Steven Universe Future, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Reconciliation, Redemption, Romance, Romantic Comedy, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Acceptance, Self-Discovery, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Self-Reflection, Slow Burn, Steven Universe Future Spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2020-09-29
Packaged: 2021-03-03 06:33:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 67,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24346579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goodyfresh/pseuds/goodyfresh
Summary: Jasper feels directionless in the wake of Steven's departure. She knows that Her Diamond once told her to find a means of self-improvement. The thing is, she doesn't knowhowto improve herself in any area besides combat, and Steven clearly wasn't referring to fighting. So Jasper seeks help from the one person whose power she respects besides Steven and the other Diamonds.This takes place earlier in the same timeline as my other long fanfic, "Their Love Can Take Them Away Together."
Relationships: Amethyst & Jasper (Steven Universe), Bismuth & Jasper (Steven Universe), Bismuth & Lapis Lazuli (Steven Universe), Bismuth/Pearl (Steven Universe), Connie Maheswaran & Steven Universe, Connie Maheswaran/Steven Universe, Garnet & Jasper (Steven Universe), Jasper & Pearl (Steven Universe), Jasper & Peridot (Steven Universe), Jasper & Steven Universe, Jasper/Lapis Lazuli (Steven Universe), Lapis Lazuli & Peridot (Steven Universe), Lapis Lazuli & Steven Universe
Series: Steven Universe: After the Future [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1900498
Comments: 55
Kudos: 64





	1. Swallowing One's Pride

**Author's Note:**

> This is a story about Jasper's journey of self-discovery with Lapis' help. It will contain some BisPearl, but mostly only in the sense that they will be seen together later in the story; the story is Jasper-and-Lapis focused. Oh and of course it'll contain Steven/Connie stuff since that relationship is canon now and those two are in the story (although rarely in person in Steven's case for obvious reasons).
> 
> Like many other fans, I interpret Peridot as being both asexual and aromantic. But _unlike_ a majority of fans, I do not ship Lapidot. Yes, I know it's the most popular ship in the fandom alongside Connverse, but personally I don't ship Lapis and Peridot.
> 
> As stated in the summary, this is a prequel to my fanfic "Their Love Can Take Them Away Together," explaining how Jasper and Lapis ended up together by the time in which that story takes place. You can find both stories on my FF.net account as well: <https://www.fanfiction.net/~goodyfresh>

After needlessly headbutting her way back into her Little Homeworld residence, Jasper now stands still in her completely bare and unfurnished room in a state of deep contemplation.

Somewhere in the back of her mind she knows that Bismuth will doubtlessly scold her for creating yet more holes in the building for her to repair, but Jasper doesn't care about that; heck, maybe if she's _lucky_ , Bismuth will see it as a reason to finally pick a fight with her, which is an opportunity that Jasper would relish.

But for once, thoughts of combat and "strength" are nowhere near the _forefront_ of Jasper's mind. She just can't stop thinking about how Steven left her behind. Once again, Her Diamond has abandoned her; like mother, like son, but at least the son was _honest_ about it. _"Not that it matters,"_ she thinks, _"since My Diamonds always had the right to do as they pleased."_

Seemingly to help herself sort through her own chaotic thoughts, she speaks aloud to the empty room:

"He doesn't _need_ me; _no one_ needs me. Not him, not the other Diamonds, not that pathetic new 'democratic' government on Homeworld, and not anyone here in Little Homeworld, either. No one here would care if I just left right now and went back to living alone in the woods; actually, I'm sure they'd all be _happy_ if I did!"

"The only order My Diamond ever gave me was to 'find something better to do with' my life, but what does that even _mean_? The only _good_ thing for a Gem to do with her life to fulfill her _purpose_ and follow orders from her superiors, right? What could be _'better'_ than that?"

"I'm supposed to be a _warrior_ , that's my _function_ as The Ultimate Quartz; I'm supposed to be a soldier and follow My Diamond's orders, that's why I spent two years training until I would be needed again! So how could he ask me not to follow him? Why would he tell me to do something 'better' than following him and acting as his soldier, when that's what I'm _supposed_ to do?"

"Sure, he was right when he told me that he doesn't _need_ protecting; but that shouldn't matter! _None_ of the Diamonds, as powerful as they are, ever actually _needed_ protection, but they always had bodyguards anyway, because that's just the way of things. I should be there for him to act as his faithful shield and guardian, but he would rather set out alone while leaving me here with no purpose or direction!"

"Going to see the other Diamonds would be pointless; none of them are _My_ Diamond. Even Yellow was just a temporary replacement for Pink, because Pink is the Diamond I was _made_ for; Steven is the one with Pink's gemstone, so _he_ is My Diamond."

"And besides, none of the other Diamonds have any interest in leading or giving out orders anymore; if I went and asked them to give me new mission objectives, they'd say something about how I'm 'my own Gem' now and should think and act for myself, just like Steven says. Just like him, they'd tell me there isn't any mission anymore."

Jasper heaves out a deep sigh, one full of frustration, regret, and longing, before continuing with her soliloquy.

"I'm not sure, but this probably isn't even the way I'm supposed to be thinking, is it? I'm not showing _respect_ for the way My Diamond thinks, am I? _He's_ the one who taught everyone, including the other Diamonds, that Gems should be 'free' or whatever, that allowing all Gems to 'vote' in 'elections' is apparently the 'proper' system of government."

"What in the world am I even _doing_ , still thinking in ways that disregard My Diamond's wishes? If I keep thinking of this whole concept of 'freedom' as a bunch of nonsense, doesn't that mean I'm just ignoring what My Diamond would want? Damn it all, I'm not even sure!"

"AGH, I HATE THIS!" she bellows as she kneels and punches the floor, creating a small crater and localized earthquake, before standing back up.

"What am I supposed to DO? How am I supposed to be ' _BETTER_?' I can't just go back to training all alone, and I _definitely_ can't go back to destroying all the puny Earthlings at my training grounds; I may have no idea what My Diamond wants from me, but I'm not _so_ stupid as to think he would want me to do _that_!"

"I know he wouldn't want me to keep destroying stuff here in Little Homeworld until Bismuth gets angry and fights me; I want to fight her, she's the strongest brawler out of all the non-fusion Gems on this planet, but I'm pretty sure that Steven cares about both me and Bismuth and wouldn't want us to fight. _Right_?" She speaks that last word in a very uncertain tone.

Her voice grows quieter, nearly cracking like a pane of glass in the vicinity of one of Her Diamond's "screams," as she asks herself "So then, what _should_ I _do_? What should I _be?_ "

Realizing that she has no idea what she's doing with her life or _who she even is anymore_ , Jasper slumps to the floor and slouches upon her haunches. A few tears start falling from her eyes.

Before she knows it, her head is in her hands as she heaves out great sobs of anguish, sorrow, and other emotions she can't begin to put her finger on. She sits upon the floor shaking and crying, weeping for the first time in thousands of years, for the first time since Pink was supposedly shattered.

She's not sure exactly how long she spends crying, but it's grown dark outside before Jasper finishes; it took her a while to vent all of her bottled-up emotions. Slowly regaining her wits as the last of her sobs die down, she once again speaks aloud to herself, this time in a wavering voice:

"Ugh, a-absolutely... _disgusting_. I'm... I'm the _Ultimate Quartz_ , the ultimate _soldier_. _Crying_ is a sign of... of _weakness_ , and Quartzes are supposed to be _strong_ and _intimidating_. How could I act so shamelessly like that? I'm truly... pathetic."

But even as she says all that, she feels unsure of her words, and deep down she knows she's just lying to herself. After all, the mighty Steven Universe, Her Diamond, has cried many times before, and he's stronger than anyone.

Besides, she's _not_ even a _soldier_ anymore. Having finally acknowledged that Her Diamond doesn't need her, she comes to accept the truth of what he told her several months ago, shortly before her first fight against him in his Pink State:

**_There's no one left to fight_.** Sure, there are people who Jasper would _like_ to fight, like Bismuth or that goofball Spinel who's apparently as strong as she is ridiculous; but neither of those two is looking to pick a fight with anyone, and Jasper knows that Steven wouldn't want her to go and needlessly provoke them.

Having finished crying, Jasper sighs deeply. She wonders what her next step should be. Steven, Her Diamond, wants her to be "better." The fundamental issue is that she's not exactly sure what he even _meant_ by that.

Based on everything he and the other Diamonds have done to bring freedom to the cosmos, Steven obviously didn't mean for her to go back to thinking of herself as nothing more than a cog in a machine, a simple soldier meant only to serve the purpose for which she was built.

Apparently, she's supposed to learn how to be _free_ and to _decide_ for _herself_ what she wants out of life. But before she can start to figure out who she wants to be or what she wants to do, she needs to figure out _how to truly think for herself_. And Jasper has no idea how to even begin doing that.

Jasper suddenly realizes a very simple, very obvious truth: She's going to need to _swallow her pride_ and go _ask someone for advice_. She nearly retches at the thought of asking anyone for advice besides Her Diamond. But as disgusting as she may find such a concept, she knows that seeking help and advice from others, seeking "support" as he always called it, is what Steven would say she should do in this situation.

All her pride as a lone warrior, as a soldier, is meaningless in this new era; she's finally begun to accept that fact. So she's going to need to abandon that pride and seek help from someone.

The question then is: _Who can she ask for advice_? Jasper may know on some level that her pride is foolish and no longer holds meaning, but she simply can't stomach the thought of asking anyone _weaker_ than her for help.

That "runt" of an Amethyst from the Crystal Gems apparently teaches a class called "How to Decide Stuff for Yourself," but Amethyst is much _weaker_ than Jasper, so there's no way that Jasper can bring herself to attend her class. Not only can she not stand the thought of seeking help from someone weaker than her, but she _definitely_ can't stand the thought of allowing _others_ to _see_ her do so. She immediately rules out the idea of enrolling in _any_ classes at Little Homeschool, even though Her Diamond has suggested several times that she do exactly that.

Rather than enrolling in classes, Jasper would rather privately ask someone for advice, but can't think of any viable options: Just like Amethyst, that Pearl from the Crystal Gems is, in Jasper's opinion, too _weak_ to be worth speaking to. The permafusion calling herself a "Garnet" only once proved stronger than Jasper due to superior tactics rather than physical power (and obviously also because she's a fusion), so Jasper absolutely refuses to even entertain the thought of asking her for help.

There's the possibility of Bismuth, but Jasper has a feeling that Bismuth is at best equally matched with her. She's most likely capable of defeating Bismuth, especially after spending so much of the last two years training while Bismuth lived a life of peace. "No," Jasper says to herself, "if I'm going to ask someone for advice, it has to be someone _definitely_ stronger than me like My Diamond is, someone who I'm certain can defeat me."

Spinel isn't an option; Jasper can't be sure of it, but based on the accounts of her abilities as a warrior, there's a _very_ good chance that Spinel could defeat Jasper in combat via superior range, versatility, and speed. But based on the accounts of her _personality_ , she's too goofy and immature to seek advice from. Jasper is also aware that Spinel seems to have some bizarre _infatuation_ with Steven, a fixation on him that's _different_ from Jasper's own, and she finds that strange and off-putting.

Jasper is at a loss; she can't think of any non-Diamond Gems who are stronger than her and could give her the advice she needs. But after a few more moments' thought, the answer suddenly comes to her.

Jasper says to herself, "of _course_ , it has to be _**her**_." She'd only been thinking of other Gems' "strength" in terms of their ability as _physical brawlers_ , and that caused her to overlook the most obvious choice.

Living right there in Little Homeworld, there's one Gem who's undeniably _far_ stronger than Jasper. That Gem has been through her own journey of self-discovery and is close friends with Jasper's Diamond, so she should be able to tell Jasper what Steven meant when he said "something better." Jasper is thinking, of course, of the mighty **_Lapis Lazuli_**.

While Lapis' strength is unquestionable as the only non-fusion Gem to ever showcase power truly rivaling the Diamonds, Jasper knows there's a _very_ big issue with the idea of approaching Lapis: Lapis clearly _**hates**_ her. They were _terrible_ to each other as Malachite, and Lapis later made it clear that she wants _nothing_ more to do with Jasper because of how toxic their relationship was when fused.

These days, every time Jasper crosses paths with her in Little Homeworld, Lapis glares at her with obvious distaste before turning away and pointedly ignoring Jasper's presence. Jasper has made no attempt to talk to Lapis at all during the last few months; it's abundantly clear that Lapis still wants to avoid her, and Jasper knows better than to provoke her wrath.

So for good reason, Jasper wonders if Lapis will even be willing to talk to her. If she shows up at her door, Lapis may simply slam it in Jasper's face before she can say a single word, and if she tries to approach her out in the streets, Lapis may just fly away.

But it doesn't matter if the idea is a long shot, does it? Jasper had to throw away so much of her pride just to _acknowledge_ her need to seek advice from _someone_ , and Lapis is the _only_ option who her remaining pride will allow. _"I'll just have to gamble on the possibility that Lapis will hear me out,"_ Jasper thinks, _"because she's supposedly a... what did My Diamond call it... a 'good person,' yes, that's it."_

Lapis is clearly no longer the same sadistic Gem who delighted in venting all her repressed emotions by imprisoning and torturing Jasper when they were Malachite. After all, she rejected Jasper's offer to become Malachite again only a couple months later, and according to Steven, more recently Lapis "has been doing much better" and "is a great friend."

So yes, Jasper decides, that's it. She'll go ask Lapis for advice, maybe even for actual help. She abruptly stands up; there's no point in delaying, she may as well go find Lapis right now and get things over with.

Striding out of her room and approaching the outer wall of the building, Jasper is about to break another hole through it (there's no sign of the two holes from earlier; that Bismuth sure does work quickly) before thinking something entirely new:

_"No, My Diamond seemed unhappy with me when I broke things for no reason. I told myself that I need to start respecting the way he thinks. I should use the door. Maybe that's progress? I hope so."_ So she walks to the building's actual doorway and exits into the cool night air.


	2. Being Honest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jasper finds Lapis, and after some brief (and a bit humorous) appearances by Bismuth and Pearl, Lapis agrees to talk with Jasper. Jasper now has to do something that's **very** difficult for her: She has to be _honest_ for once.

As she walks briskly through Little Homeworld, all the Gems out in the streets actively avoid Jasper, whispering nervous gossip among themselves while giving her a wide berth like they always do; she hasn't actually attacked anyone since she started living here, but no one seems to want to take any chances, and her tendency for vandalism hasn't eased their concerns.

But Jasper doesn't care what all these no-name puny Gems think of her; as far as she's concerned, there are only two non-fusion Gems in this place _possibly_ strong enough to be worth her time. Only one of those two is _definitely stronger_ than her, the one whose residence she's currently making a beeline for.

Jasper soon arrives at the front door of Lapis' house. She starts to reach for the doorbell, but hesitates; even if she respects Lapis' overwhelming power, Jasper still loathes the idea of asking anyone besides Her Diamond for advice.

Maybe she should just go home? _"No,"_ she thinks, _"My Diamond would say to 'reach out to someone for support.' He told me before our first real fight to let people help me, and I just scoffed at the idea; I still refuse to go to his silly little school, but that doesn't mean I can't privately ask for advice on an individual basis. **Ugh** , okay, that's it, I'm doing it!"_ She pushes the doorbell.

Some time passes. There's no answer. Jasper tries the doorbell again. After another minute passes, there's still no answer. There's no peephole, so Jasper knows that Lapis didn't decide not to answer after seeing her there; she just isn't home. Where could she be?

Jasper thinks for a moment before the obvious answer strikes her: Lapis is probably at that little Era 2 runt of a Peridot's place, since those two are still as thick as thieves even now that they're no longer roommates. After Steven left, they're probably "hanging out" as they call it in order to keep each other company. There's a good chance that Bismuth is with them; if no one is at Peridot's house, then Jasper will try Bismuth's place.

It's another short walk to Peridot's house, full of more awkward glances and whispers among Gems as they avoid her. Jasper can see that she was probably right, as there's a dim light flickering and changing colors shining from one of the windows, probably from one of those ridiculous Earthling entertainment-boxes; Jasper can't remember what they're called.

Jasper walks up and rings the doorbell. In Peridot's living room, the trio startles and Bismuth pauses the episode of _"Disoriented"_ they're watching, asking "who could that be at this time of night?"

Peridot testily says, "agh _seriously_?! We were _just_ getting to the big reveal of what the Anothers want with Jake!" Bismuth replies, "c'mon Peridot, it might be one of our friends, maybe they need our support right now."

Lapis says in a nearly-deadpan tone with just a hint of teasing, "I bet you hope it's Pearl, don't you?" Bismuth stammers at her, "w-what, w-why would I... oh come _on_ Lapis, don't mess with me like that!" Lapis lets out a brief snort of laughter.

Bismuth continues in a hushed tone, "and keep your mouth shut about that, what if it _is_ her and she could _hear_ us? You know she's got _really_ sharp senses! Don't embarrass me!"

Peridot pipes up and says, "I don't get it, why would Bismuth hope it's Pearl and how are you messing with her, Lapis?" Bismuth speaks again in a hushed and now exasperated tone, "never mind that Peri, you don't need to know! Ugh, stars, just drop it guys!"

Jasper saw the light from the television stop flickering through the windows, so she assumes the Gems inside are planning to answer the door. But after over half a minute she can't help thinking, _"how long can it possibly take them to get up and come to the door? Are they having a whole conversation about it or something? I just want to get this over with."_

Lapis says with a note of humor in her voice (but more quietly like Bismuth requested), "well oookay Bismuth, I'll stop teasing you about Pearl, _for now_." She and the other two stand up and exit the living room.

As they reach the front hallway, though muffled by the door Jasper can hear Lapis say, " _whoever_ it is, this better be about something _important_ for them to show up at almost midnight during our binge-watching. Maybe we'll get lucky and they left already."

 _"Well that sure is a great sign_ ," Jasper thinks sarcastically; Lapis hasn't even seen her yet and is already irked by her presence.

Jasper grows extremely nervous, tempted to spin-dash back to the solitude of her home, as she hears the beeping sounds of Peridot's complex door-security-system being unlocked. The door opens, and she's greeted by the three Gems' faces. Lapis looks deadpan, Peridot has a clearly forced smile on her face (she's still annoyed for being interrupted during a plot-twist), and Bismuth has a genuinely friendly smile. Jasper notices that Peridot is wearing one of Her Diamond's old shirts.

Of course, as soon as they see who's in the doorway those two drop their friendly expressions; Bismuth takes a fighting stance and Peridot uses her powers to levitate some nearby metal objects, while the look on Lapis' face shifts to one of extreme annoyance.

Lapis speaks up while the other two stand ready for battle: "What do _you_ want with _us_ , **_Jasper_**?" She says Jasper's name in as hostile a tone as possible.

Jasper becomes defensive, desperately clinging to the last vestiges of her pride as she replies, "What I _want_ is to talk to _you_ , Lapis. **_Just_** you. I have no business with _these two_ unless Bismuth here really _does_ want to finally fight me." As soon as those words leave Jasper's mouth, she realizes they were a huge mistake.

Peridot's hackles raise and she looks extremely offended, while Bismuth seems about to say something (probably about how she'll take Jasper on anytime if it's to protect her friends), but before either of the two can speak, Lapis angrily replies to Jasper, her voice raised nearly to the point of yelling:

" _ **Ugh**_ , of _course_ Jasper, I _knew_ it was only a matter of time before you came _crawling back_ to me! I assume this is because Steven, oh _excuse_ me, 'Your Diamond,' left today, and now you need to find some _other_ unhealthy way to feel complete, right? Well just like I told you last time, I'm _not_ interested in becoming that horrible monster Malachite again just so we can compensate for our insecurities! So **_get lost_** before I **_make_** you!"

Bismuth and Peridot drop their fighting stances and stare in open-mouthed shock, awkwardly looking back and forth between Lapis and Jasper. Lapis says, "hmph, _that's what I thought_ ," and begins to slam the door in Jasper's face; Jasper catches the edge of the door with her hand and swallows the last bit of her pride in order to be _honest_ for once, yelling pleadingly at Lapis:

" _ **Wait**_ Lapis, that's not it! I _**swear**_ on My Diamond's, on _Steven's_ name that this has _nothing_ to do with fusion! I'm **_sorry_** I was harsh to your... friends just now. I'm not _actually_ trying to fight anyone, I know that My Diamond wouldn't want me to! Please, _just hear me out_ , I'm _**begging**_ you Lapis!"

Lapis is tempted to draw some water from the nearest pipes and punch Jasper into the distance; it would certainly feel _cathartic_ to do so. But the look on Jasper's face stops her from acting on that impulse. Jasper looks genuinely apologetic (Lapis never expected _that_ ) and sincere, and _very_ upset; her face is scrunched up like she's in anguish and suppressing the urge to cry, and her eyes plead with Lapis to just _listen_.

Jasper also looks _scared_ , although Lapis is probably the _only_ person who knows her well enough to pick up on the traces of fear in her expression. Jasper knows better than anyone that Lapis could casually toss her away or beat her into submission at any moment, and knows Lapis well enough to realize that she's considering doing so. Lapis feels regretful and ashamed, just like after she snapped at those other two Lapises; she's so _tired_ of inspiring _fear_ in people. Isn't she supposed to be a _better person_ now?

Lapis thinks, _"if I **really am** a better person now, then I should hear her out like she's asking me to,"_ and gathers her inner strength as she opens the door to its full extent again. As Peridot and Bismuth stand there awkwardly watching the drama unfold, she heaves out a sigh and replies to Jasper, this time in a softer tone:

"Alright Jasper, I'm sorry too, I should've known that if I snapped at you like that your pride would kick in and you'd get mean. I shouldn't have just _assumed_ I knew what you were here for, and I apologize for that. We started off on the wrong foot just now, and that's actually _my_ fault, not yours, so let's start over. I should probably start by explaining myself. Okay?" While she still looks _nervous_ , the anguish and fear vanish from Jasper's expression, and she awkwardly replies, "uh, well, okay... go ahead."

Even though Gems have no need for air, Lapis takes a deep breath before continuing, as admitting what she's about to (and right in front of Bismuth and Peridot, to boot) is going to be difficult:

"I'm sure you already know this, but I don't like seeing you or knowing that you're around. But the _truth_ is... it's that while you may be a jerk, the reason I avoid you is _hardly_ because of _you_ ; it's _mostly_ because you remind me of everything about _myself_ that's awful and toxic. After Malachite, you've always reminded me of how much I enjoy making others feel helpless and weak, of how much I can enjoy... _hurting_ people."

She takes another deep breath before continuing: "I _hate_ being reminded of how terrible I can be. _That's_ why I... _snapped_ like that when I saw you and assumed you were here about Malachite. I haven't been fair by avoiding you like I have and snapping at you like that, when I know better than anyone what it's like to feel isolated and alone even with other people around. So... what do you want to talk about, Jasper?"

Bismuth has a deeply contemplative look on her face after hearing Lapis' confession, while Peridot looks shocked. She had no idea her best friend was bottling up such toxic feelings, and she assumed that Lapis avoids Jasper because she simply dislikes her. But then again, as the incident with Steven's televised dreams showed, Peridot never was good at reading people unless they laid things out for her in completely unambiguous terms. _"Maybe I should directly ask people about their feelings more often,"_ she thinks.

Jasper replies to Lapis: "Lapis, t-thanks for telling me that, it actually, uh... makes me feel less weird about coming to talk to you. What I nee... want to talk about, it's, uh... something really... private... and I didn't really think about, well..." She's clearly at a loss for words as she glances back and forth between Lapis and her friends with traces of fear visible in her eyes once more.

Lapis can tell that Jasper wants Bismuth and Peridot to get lost, but is afraid (Lapis again feels guilty that Jasper fears her wrath) that putting that into words will anger Lapis by sounding dismissive and hostile towards her friends again. Lapis sighs and turns to Bismuth and Peridot; both watch the scene with serious interest, although while Bismuth has a knowing look on her face, Peridot looks a bit confused.

Lapis tells them: "Guys, it's been fun hanging out tonight, but it seems like whatever Jasper needs to talk about is important. I need to do the right thing and hear her out, but she obviously isn't comfortable talking about it with anyone besides me. So keep watching _'Disoriented'_ without me, and just let me know how far you get so I can catch up on my own. It's been real. I'll see you tomorrow."

Bismuth solemnly nods her head and says, "alright Lapis, if that's what you think is best then I'll trust your judgement. It was fun hangin' with ya. Have a good night."

Peridot however angrily blurts out, "what the _heck_ , Lapis?! Steven left less than half a day ago, and now _you're_ gonna leave us to run off and have a chat with this... this **_clod_**?!" Jasper isn't offended since she couldn't care less what Peridot thinks of her, and Peridot continues:

"I'm guessing from the stuff you said that maybe you hurt Jasper as much or more than she hurt you, but come on Lapis, _think_ about this. You know you _can't trust her!_ Whatever you did to her is in the past, and you're a _great_ person now, but _she's_ still totally _psycho!_ What if she tries to hurt you, or tries something... _weird_? You should just tell her to get lost like you said before and keep hanging out with me and Bismuth!"

Lapis holds up a finger towards Jasper signaling for her to be patient, and then kneels down to Peridot's eye level, placing a hand on her shoulder and speaking to her:

"Peridot, it's okay. I have a gut feeling that whatever Jasper needs to talk about is _really_ important. What you just said _can't_ be right; Jasper knows better than anybody that I can kick her butt if she tries to hurt me, and if she swore on Steven's name then she's definitely not lying when she says this isn't about fusion. I really appreciate your concern Peridot, you're a wonderful friend, but I'm gonna have to ask you to just _trust me_ on this, okay?"

Peridot sighs and looks Lapis in the eyes, saying: "Okay Lapis, if you say so. But if you're wrong and she _does_ try something funny, then just let me know and I'll give her a piece of my mind with my _awesome metal-powers_ , okay?"

Peridot hugs Lapis tightly, and Lapis giggles a bit and says, "okay Peridot, thanks. I'll make sure to text you afterwards to let you know I'm okay." Lapis stands back up and says, "goodnight guys, I had fun." Peridot says, "see ya Lapis, just be careful! I'll let you know how many more episodes we watch! Byyye!" Since she already said goodbye, Bismuth stays silent, still with a contemplative look on her face.

Turning to Jasper, Lapis says, "alright, we can head to my place to talk." She steps out of the doorway and waves goodbye to Peridot and Bismuth, who close the door behind her.

Things are suddenly very awkward; as they stand on Peridot's front porch, the silence hanging between Jasper and Lapis feels as thick and suffocating as the bottom of the ocean where Lapis once held Jasper imprisoned.

Lapis hadn't really considered what it feel like to actually be alone with Jasper; well okay, she'd at least _somewhat_ considered it, that's why she always avoided her. Lapis feels extremely self-conscious in the presence of this person who makes her feel so _wrong_ and brought out the _worst_ in her, a side of herself that fully manifested only once since then when she snapped at those other two Lapises.

Lapis' entire body tenses up; she holds the crook of her left elbow with her right hand and averts her eyes from Jasper, staring down at her feet. A feeling of immense shame and guilt overtakes her as she remembers things that she would rather forget.

Watching Lapis become so down on herself and appear so small and pitiful makes Jasper feel something strange, a feeling she can't come up with the words for: Empathy and sympathy. She's no genius at reading people, but she's no idiot either, and after a few months trapped with Lapis she knows how to interpret her body language.

Jasper thinks: _"I admire Lapis for her strength and ferocity; someone with power rivaling the Diamonds themselves shouldn't look so weak and pitiful! Think Jasper... what would My Diamond say right now? He'd be a 'good person,' right?_ _He always talked about 'understanding,' so... he'd try to understand what she's feeling_ _and_ _say something to help. Well, she's feeling... what was it again... guilt and shame because I remind her of how 'bad' she can be, right? What would Steven say if his presence made somebody feel ashamed because they hurt him in the past?"_

The answer comes to Jasper, and she says something that's unlike anything she's ever said before. Although she's being honest, Jasper feels like she has to forcefully rip the words from her throat due to how warm and fuzzy, how _nice_ they are:

"It's... uh... it's _okay_ Lapis, _all_ of it is okay. I... I really mean that. You know I hurt you too, it wasn't always just you. And I know you only acted like you did and hurt me because of all the time you spent as a prisoner in some stupid mirror. I don't hold any of it against you, and I f...f- _forgive_ you."

Lapis' head snaps up towards Jasper in shock and she gasps, letting go of her elbow and relaxing her posture. She looks as shocked as anyone would if they heard Jasper say something so kind. In a faltering voice, she replies to Jasper: "D... d-do you... _really_ mean that, Jasper? You really... actually... _forgive_ me, even after I spent months taking out all my toxic feelings on you?"

Jasper looks Lapis straight in the eyes and replies, feeling like it's a bit easier to speak this time: "Yeah Lapis, I wouldn't say anything so... _nice_... if I didn't really _mean_ it. And I really hate seeing you look so _sad_ and _pathetic_ , you know; _strong_ and _fierce_ suits you much better. You're probably the only non-fusion Gem in existence with power rivaling the Diamonds, so you should _act_ like it and show more _pride_."

Most people would take offense at the way Jasper worded that, but Lapis knows that such a statement is high praise coming from her; it's a true compliment that wasn't meant to be backhanded. Lapis smiles softly in response and says, "thanks Jasper, that means a lot to me. The compliment too, not just the forgiveness. So, uh..." She suddenly looks a bit awkward; not _upset_ anymore, just _awkward_.

Even though her thoughts still roil with self-doubt, this short conversation has restored much of Jasper's typical outwardly confident demeanor, so with noticeable swagger in her posture and tone she cocks her thumb in the direction of Lapis' house and says, "so... _your place_ , right? Let's get going."

As she finishes speaking, Jasper turns on her heel and starts walking to Lapis' house. As she flies to keep up with the brisk pace set by Jasper's much longer legs, Lapis finds it fortunate that Jasper can't see her, because she can feel heat in her cheeks and is positive that she's blushing.

It's not like she likes Jasper in that way, their time together was the _worst_ after all; it's just that Lapis has watched enough human television and movies to be familiar with the "your place or mine" cliché. Jasper obviously hasn't the slightest inkling of what her words seemed to imply. Lapis hopes that Peridot didn't convince Bismuth to crack a window to watch the scene unfold; Bismuth would now have the perfect material with which to get back at Lapis for her teasing about Pearl.

 _"Ugh, what am I even thinking,"_ Lapis wonders as she follows behind Jasper to her own home, _"it really isn't like I think about Jasper that way, and Bismuth knows that and respects my privacy. I must just be going a bit crazy because of how shocking it was for Jasper to be so nice. She did look kinda attractive with a kind look on her face for onc... okay **what** , what the heck Lapis, you're definitely losing your grip on reality, just **stop**!"  
_

Lapis slaps her cheeks lightly and stamps out those thoughts as if they were flames; she calms down and stops blushing by the time they arrive at her home. She touches down on the front porch and uses her hydrokinesis to unlock the complex security mechanism that Bismuth built into the door.

The mechanism unlocks and the door swings open. Lapis steps aside and says, "after you," to which Jasper gruffly replies, "it's _your_ house but sure, whatever" before striding inside. Lapis follows her inside and closes the door, setting the lock back in place.

Lapis steps in front of Jasper to lead the way to her living room, where she turns to face Jasper and with a smile says, "so would you like anything, maybe something to drink or-" but Jasper cuts her off by saying, "Lapis, you know that Gems don't require any form of sustenance and that unlike some of you Crystal Gems, I have no interest in trying such things."

Lapis suddenly feels just a tad bit foolish; she definitely already knew that. Ignoring that slight bit of awkwardness, she gestures towards the sofa and two extremely large armchairs in the room says, "so you can sit down if you like, or you can stay standing. Then you can tell me about whatever it is that's on your mind."

All of Jasper's outward confidence evaporates as quickly as it returned; with the mention of what she wants to talk about, she's reminded of how useless and pathetic she currently is. With an uncertain look on her face she replies in a subdued tone, "uh, yeah, I guess, I mean... I don't usually sit, but for this I feel like maybe I should."

Jasper awkwardly walks over to and sits down in one of the armchairs, and Lapis moves the other chair to rest a few feet away facing towards Jasper and sits down. Lapis says, "so what's wrong, Jasper? This has _something_ to do with Steven leaving, right? I can tell it's something really important to you, so I _promise_ I'll take you completely seriously even if I don't agree with your whole 'My Diamond' thing with him."

Jasper sighs; there's no point dancing around the subject, so although it's very difficult to force the words from her mouth, she just gets straight to the point and with complete honesty, explains her situation and asks Lapis about the question that's bugging her:

"Lapis, what does it mean if My Diamond told me to 'find something better to do with' my life? That's exactly how he worded it. He said it months ago, when he told me not to follow him to Homeworld when he went to ask the other Diamonds for help with his... outbursts. It's the only order he ever gave me."

Jasper sighs again before continuing: "I was hoping My Diamond would let me come with him as his bodyguard when he left, or that he'd at least give me further orders to clarify my mission objectives, but he didn't. Now I'm... confused. He always said that you're a close friend of his and that you're a 'good person' or something, so I thought that maybe you could tell me: What did he mean by 'something _better_?' You can take your time, I have a feeling this is probably a difficult question."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, the show _"Disoriented"_ is a reference to the real-world show _"Lost."_
> 
> I'm sure you all noticed that **_Lapis and Peridot are not roommates in this story_**. I figure I have leeway with this: _Neither the movie nor Future ever showed us if Lapis and Peridot went back to being roommates upon moving into Little Homeworld_. Therefore, I decided that they aren't roommates anymore for the sake of my story's plot; I love Peri as much as everybody else does, but it'll be easier for me to write what I want between Lapis and Jasper if Peridot isn't there to suddenly barge in without warning or hang around as a third wheel in Lapis' house, haha.
> 
> I figure that it makes sense anyway that Lapis and Peridot **_might_** not be roommates in Little Homeworld: Having their own houses gives each of them space without the other always breathing down their neck (that applies mostly to Peri breathing down Lapis' neck, haha). Meanwhile, it's not like they can't still see each other pretty much all the time: They live only a short walk away from each other, and Gems only sleep when they feel like it. Regardless of not being roommates, we can assume that Lapis is a regular fixture in Peridot's home and vice versa, and the same can be said of Bismuth.


	3. What Does "Better" Mean?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis attempts to explain things to Jasper. There's lots of dialogue, one very long monologue, and plenty of angst.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't set your expectations too high for Jasper or get your hopes up too much yet, dear readers, and definitely don't expect any actual romance yet (I promise it will come in due time). Self-improvement is a difficult journey for someone like Jasper. This chapter will be the longest yet, as there's a lot for Jasper and Lapis to discuss; explaining concepts like empathy and "being strong in the real way" to someone unfamiliar with them is pretty difficult.
> 
> The notes at the end of the chapter are a good deal more important than this note here!

Jasper sits waiting patiently for Lapis to answer. But as Lapis rests her chin in her hands while deeply contemplating the question, Jasper starts to fidget nervously, tapping her feet and twirling the ends of her hair between her fingers. She feels as if her pride has been almost completely annihilated by now, and as a result she feels extremely nervous and self-conscious.

Lapis is a bit _surprised_ , but by no means is she _shocked_ ; she already figured that Jasper's issue was something along the lines of feeling like she had no purpose or direction without Steven around to give her one. What she _didn't_ expect was for Jasper to want to know how to be "better" in the way that Steven would define the word, nor for the context to be what Jasper explained to her.

Maybe she _should_ have expected the context, though; of _course_ Jasper would interpret something Steven said in the heat of the moment during a mental breakdown as an "order." Obviously he said what he did to Jasper because he was feeling self-loathing and couldn't stand the idea of anyone looking up to him, least of all the person who he had just committed a nearly unspeakable crime against.

Lapis deduces how in that moment, Steven was probably only half-thinking, if even that much, about actually giving Jasper advice to better herself. But of course, Jasper takes _everything_ Steven says and does completely literally and seriously. Lapis almost sighs but catches herself, as she doesn't want to give Jasper the false impression that she's disappointed in her or finds her concerns insignificant.

Lapis would normally tell any Gem seeking help and a purpose in life to simply enroll in Little Homeschool, where she herself works as a meep morp (she still thinks the word "art" sounds dumb by comparison) teacher alongside Vidalia.

But Lapis knows that Jasper is well aware of the school's existence and that Steven has recommended enrollment to her before; obviously, Jasper simply can't stomach the idea of publicly taking classes alongside other Gems, and she'd rather seek what one could consider "private tutoring." But Lapis can't help wondering: Why would Jasper come to _her_ , of all people, in search of answers? Why would Jasper seek advice from the Gem who used her as a punching-bag for months on end?

After a few moments' thought, the answer strikes Lapis: It has nothing to do with how they used to be Malachite, and everything to do with how Lapis is so incredibly _**powerful**_ while being close enough friends with Steven to properly interpret his words. Jasper respects _authority_ , and according to her flawed mindset, supreme power is one and the same as authority.

Lapis should have picked up on it earlier when Jasper complimented her: As Jasper said, Lapis _**is**_ probably the only non-fusion Gem in existence able to rival the Diamonds in power; while her physical body may lack durability, when applied to combat her hydrokinetic powers are _far_ above the abilities of even the strongest combat-type Gems like "true" Garnets and Emeralds.

She was able to restrain Blue Diamond's physical might (although Blue was able to use her Aura to break free), and she even managed to restrain "Monster" Steven until he "screamed." She is, in fact, "The Ultimate Lapis Lazuli": Just like Jasper, every aspect of her creation in her Kindergarten was beyond ideal, and so she's far more powerful than other Gems of her type. Since Lapis Lazulis were made for terraforming entire planets, being the "ultimate" specimen means that Lapis is indeed likely more powerful than any Gem besides the Diamonds and "Pink State" Steven.

Lapis feels a bit uncomfortable upon realizing why Jasper came to her for advice. As she told those other two Lapises after she shamefully demonstrated her ability to casually defeat them, reliance on _power_ is by no means _true strength_ ; strength comes from a person's _mind_ and _spirit_ , not from their ability to defeat enemies in combat.

She's aware that her discomfort arises from her own fear; she fears _herself_ , fears that she will give in to her impulses and misuse her power to harm others, just as she once did to the very woman sitting before her. She feels uncomfortable because of her own weakness, not because of how Jasper views her; she already knew that Jasper is someone who respects power above all else.

Regardless of Jasper's faulty _reasons_ for deferring to Lapis' judgement and "authority" on this matter, the fact is that Lapis now has a _very special opportunity_. It's an opportunity that she knows she can't squander if she wants to be the good person she aspires to be, the good person who her _friends_ already _believe_ her to be even after all the awful things she's done. She has an opportunity to teach Jasper how to be a better person herself, how to be truly _strong_ , and how to be _free_. Lapis just hopes that she herself is strong enough to help Jasper.

She has a good idea of how to explain things like morality and ethics to Jasper, and Jasper seems surprisingly open to such concepts if her kind words earlier were any indication. What's going to be difficult is explaining to Jasper that she needs to stop thinking of Steven as "Her Diamond," and that she needs to stop thinking that supreme power grants superiority and authority.

She needs to find a way to explain to Jasper that Steven doesn't _want_ to be anyone's boss or commander, that he wants Jasper's _friendship_ rather than her _subservience_. To do that, she needs to find a way to explain to Jasper that "strength" and "power" are different concepts. She has a feeling that Jasper will react with anger and denial to such a claim.

At least she has a starting point; namely, the fact that Jasper demonstrated "better" behavior just a few minutes ago. Lapis can use that to segue into everything else; by giving Jasper positive reinforcement about how she already seems to be improving, she _might_ be able to get Jasper to open her mind to further change.

After sitting and thinking deeply about all these things for a couple minutes while Jasper sat nervously stewing and fidgeting, Lapis finally replies to her, and Jasper sits stock still as she hangs on her every word:

"Well Jasper, you're right that the question you asked is a very difficult one with a complicated answer. I can tell you based on how well I know Steven that his use of the word 'better' probably meant a few different things all summed up in a single word. He probably wasn't putting as much thought into his phrasing at the time as you think he was, and I'll explain that later, but I know what he would tell you now that he's in a better place mentally. So, let's start with a bit of good news, _really_ good news actually."

When Lapis pauses, Jasper hesitantly asks, "good news? W-what do you mean, Lapis?"

Lapis laughs lightly, a soft sound that Jasper finds pleasant ( _"since when did I like it when people laugh,"_ Jasper wonders), and replies: "The good news, Jasper, is that from what I can tell, you're already doing 'better' in some very important ways! What I mean is that you're already becoming a better person!"

Jasper replies again, this time with a little less uncertainty in her tone: "Really? You think I'm... already doing 'better,' whatever that means? How, exactly?"

Lapis smiles at Jasper and says: "I'm talking about how when I was upset earlier, you said the right things to cheer me up. Very few people would be able to forgive someone for the things I did to you, so it really surprised me, in a good way, to learn that you forgive me. Then you even paid me a compliment; Jasper, the old you would never have been so nice! And you did all of that to help me feel better because you saw I was feeling down, right?"

Jasper averts her eyes slightly in embarrassment and answers: "Well I, uh... yeah, I mean, I just... I told you, I couldn't stand seeing you look so sad and weak. I really do forgive you for everything, and I wanted you to stop feeling bad, so I guess I... I tried to figure out what My Diamond would do in my place, and just said the kind of things I figured he would say. I'm... glad it worked."

Lapis isn't disappointed that Jasper was mostly thinking about what Steven would do rather than about actually being nice, because that's at least a good start; it's how the Diamonds started their own journey of self-improvement, after all, and by now they've reached a point where they genuinely want to atone for their sins by helping people with no input from Steven. So she smiles in response as Jasper forces her eyes back towards her face, and Lapis leaves out the important details about how Jasper shouldn't be _relying_ on Steven as she says honestly:

"That really was nice of you, Jasper. Steven did almost always set a good example for everyone. I know this will mean a lot to you, so I want you to know I'm being completely honest when I say it, and that I'm positive it's the truth: Steven would be proud of you for how you considered my feelings and cheered me up earlier."

At this, Jasper's face becomes hopeful and she beams pridefully, saying: "Thanks Lapis, I'm really happy that you think me being... uh... 'nice' like that would make My Diamond proud, and since you're his good... friend, you probably know what you're talking about. So then, if you think I'm already doing 'something better,' then I guess what I should ask is, well... what _**else**_ should I do now? How can I keep becoming better in a way that would make My Diamond proud?"

Lapis decides to address more general concepts of kindness and consideration before dropping the bombshell that Jasper isn't being considerate of Steven's own feelings, as she wants to soften the blow by covering all the good points before getting to the part that Jasper won't take kindly to:

"Well Jasper, what you need to do is to continue what you've already been doing. Stuff like how you stopped being mean to Bismuth and Peridot and admitted you didn't really mean it, or things like when you cheered me up by telling me you forgive me and paying me a compliment."

Lapis takes a brief pause before continuing: "The underlying concepts behind those kinds of things are called ' _empathy_ ' and ' _consideration_.' Steven is a very big believer in those concepts, and he helped me, Peridot, and others become better at putting them into practice. Do you know what those words mean, by any chance?"

Jasper looks a bit ashamed of herself, like her remaining pride has been wounded due to being out of the loop on something so important to Steven, and replies: "Uh, well, I've heard My Diamond use those words before, so I believe you that they're important to him but, uh... no, to be honest I have no idea what they mean. Explain 'empathy' and 'consideration,' _now_."

Lapis considers how Jasper's demanding tone was a step backwards, but knows her well enough to realize that such behavior is a defense mechanism. So without pointing out Jasper's poor choice of words, Lapis smiles and kindly replies:

"Well Jasper, 'empathy' is the ability to understand and share the feelings of other people. Some people call it 'putting yourself in other people's shoes,' but that's just an analogy. If you've heard about the new inverted version of White Diamond's power, well, that's basically a Gem-magic power that physically embodies the concept of empathy. Do you understand?"

Jasper thoughtfully considers those words and then slowly nods her head, replying: "Well, yeah, I guess I kind of understand. So empathy is trying to figure out how other people feel about stuff, I guess? Like how I had to understand your feelings in order to cheer you up before, right?" Lapis nods enthusiastically with a grin on her face, indicating to Jasper that she's correct.

Jasper continues: "Okay, so I guess I understand what empathy is. It's still something really... _difficult_ for me, though. I may have done an okay job with it earlier, but that's probably just because I know you so well. I really only took back what I said to your two... friends, because I didn't want you to be angry at me."

She takes a breath before continuing: "And I was only able to understand your feelings so well and know to tell you I forgive you because you explained what your issues were with being around me. If I only figured things out after you already explained your feelings, doesn't that mean I didn't do a very good job with empathy?"

Lapis thinks for a moment and then replies: "Well Jasper, the ability to read people's emotions without having them explained is actually something _related_ to but _separate_ from empathy, and it's called 'picking up on social cues' or 'reading people.' Social cues are things like people's body-language, facial-expressions, and tone of voice. Being able to read people using those cues can definitely help a great deal with being 'empathetic,' as it's called, and some people like Steven are just naturally better at it. Are you following so far?"

Jasper nods and says, "yes, I understand, and I can tell there's some kind of catch. Continue."

Lapis replies: "The thing is though, there's _nothing wrong_ with _needing_ people to _explain_ their feelings in order to be able to empathize with them. _Please_ keep it between us that I said so, but that's how things work for Peridot; she's _terrible_ at reading people and often misses the most obvious social cues from them. But she's a _very_ good, _very_ kind person and a great friend, my own _best_ friend actually. When she _does_ come to understand how someone feels, she shows great understanding and kindness, and that's what really matters."

"Whether you'll eventually become skilled at reading people in order to empathize, or whether you'll always need their feelings laid out clearly for you like Peridot does, is something we can't predict right now when you're only just starting to learn. I will say though that you showed promise earlier by reading my body-language to figure out that I felt insecure and down on myself. Does that make sense?"

Jasper deeply ponders Lapis' words for a few moments, and then nods again before saying: "Yes, I understand. I do _hop_ e to eventually become adept at the skill of ' _reading people_ ,' if that can help me to more easily be empathetic like My Diamond is. So I think you also mentioned something else, what was it... uh, 'c _onsideration_ ,' I think? What is that?"

Lapis answers: "Well Jasper, the act of ' _consideration_ ' or of being ' _considerate_ ,' as it's called, is when you put empathy into _practice_ in your _behavior_ towards others. It's called 'consideration' because it involves considering others' emotions in order to treat them in a way that people say is ' _sensitive_ ' to their feelings, in order to avoid hurting them or even to actively try to make them feel good. Do you understand?"

Jasper nods again and says: "I've often seen My Diamond show 'consideration' towards others by trying to ease their pain or help them in some way, or even by just trying to avoid hurting their feelings. He's even behaved in such a way towards _me_. So yes, I think I understand. And it seems to me, but correct me if I'm wrong, like I was considerate towards you earlier after empathizing with your feelings, right?"

Lapis happily replies: "Yes Jasper, exactly! Consideration may not come naturally and easily to you like it does to people like Steven and his girlfriend Connie, but it seems like you're perfectly capable of being considerate as long as you put thought into it."

Jasper bristles slightly at the mention of Connie. Lapis didn't consider that Jasper surely considers a "mere human" like Connie to be "unworthy" of Steven, or that Jasper has no idea what a "girlfriend" is or even what romantic relationships are; Lapis just naturally thought to mention Connie as one of the two most considerate people she knows. She chooses to ignore Jasper's reaction to Connie's name for now, continuing uninterrupted:

"You're right, you were very considerate earlier when you apologized for being mean to Bismuth and Peridot, and then when you cheered me up. Thanks again for the compliment by the way, it was sweet."

Lapis shoots Jasper a broad, toothy, genuine smile reaching all the way to her eyes, a smile that shows she feels truly grateful to Jasper for her kind words before. Jasper suddenly finds herself thinking that Lapis' smile seems dazzling, as dazzling as Her Diamond's smile but somehow _different_.

A word suddenly pops into Jasper's head: _"Pretty."_ Jasper looks to the side to avoid Lapis' eyes as she's taken aback by her own thoughts. She has no idea why she would think such a thing or what it may mean, but what she does know is that she can feel heat rising in her face, and she's aware of what _that_ means.

She thinks, _"ugh, seriously, blushing? Disgusting. I must feel embarrassed because I was so uncharacteristically nice earlier."_ She's completely unfamiliar with the concepts of physical or romantic attraction, so she lacks the context necessary to interpret her own thoughts.

Lapis doesn't read much into Jasper's averted gaze and her blush, concluding like Jasper that it must be due to embarrassment. Lapis wisely pretends she didn't see anything, and speaks again:

"So yeah Jasper, that's about it as far as the general concepts of empathy and consideration go. You're already on your way to figuring those things out, and now that you know the words to describe and think about them, I have faith that you'll be able to keep improving! I'm proud of you, Jasper; you already came so far without even realizing it!"

As Lapis speaks, Jasper feels her blush fade and returns her gaze to Lapis' face. Jasper's heart swells with pride; it means so much to her to have the approval of someone so supremely powerful. Jasper proceeds to say as much:

"Thanks Lapis, it really means a lot to me to hear that someone as awe-inspiring and strong as you is proud of me. Like you said he would be for how I cheered you up earlier, do you think that My Diamond would be proud of me too?"

This question doesn't elicit the reaction that Jasper hoped for or expected; Lapis glances downward and looks a bit crestfallen, a small regretful sigh passing her lips.

 _"This is it,"_ Lapis thinks, _"it's time to address the real elephant in the room; it's time to try to explain to her what Steven really meant. I have a feeling this isn't gonna go well like the rest did."_ Lapis raises her head and locks eyes with Jasper; Jasper now looks deeply concerned, clearly dreading what Lapis might say.

With a regretful look in her eyes, Lapis replies: "Jasper, it's true that Steven _would_ be proud of you for how you showed empathy and consideration towards me tonight, and for how you want to make an effort to better yourself."

Jasper looks hopeful upon hearing this, but Lapis continues: "But he wouldn't be happy about how your underlying motives all seem to connect back to the concepts of his approval and the way you define the word 'strength.' If you want to learn how to be _truly_ empathetic and considerate, then you need to understand Steven's feelings, and I know him well enough to be absolutely sure that you're misinterpreting his words and intentions. I need to tell you something, _a lot of things_ actually, and I don't think you're going to like hearing what I have to say."

Jasper looks even more apprehensive now as she says, "w-what is it, Lapis, what's the problem? How am I misinterpreting My Diamond's wishes?"

Lapis sighs again and says: "That's just it, Jasper. You need to _stop thinking of him_ as ' _ **Your Diamond**_ ,' or as _any_ kind of _authority figure_ or _leader_ , and on top of that you need to stop thinking of ' _strength_ ' and _combat ability_ as being the same thing, because they aren't." Lapis continues to regretfully look Jasper in the eyes as she allows her statement to sink in; she knows Jasper will almost certainly not react well.

Jasper looks confused, and her eyes glaze over for a few seconds as she takes time to process what she just heard. Her jaw hangs slack as the wheels in her mind slowly turn, the gears locking and clicking into place. Her jaw slackens and then drops as the shock sets in. Once she's processed Lapis' words, she reacts as Lapis expected she would:

With her eyes suddenly bulging and her face contorting into an expression of rage as her entire body tenses up, Jasper abruptly rises to her feet and glares down at Lapis as she yells:

"What do you **_mean_ **that strength and combat ability aren't the same? That's _nonsense_! How **_dare_** you say that I shouldn't see My Diamond as an authority figure when he's my _superior_ in every way! Are you trying to tell me that _you_ aren't strong due to being _The Ultimate Lapis Lazuli_ who can casually manipulate entire oceans and defeat me as easily as I can defeat the puniest of Earthlings? Are you trying to tell me that **_My Diamond_** wasn't **_strong_** when he demonstrated his _absolute supremacy_ over me?! What in the world are you saying, huh? **_EXPLAIN YOURSELF, LAPIS_**!"

Lapis remains seated and looks up at Jasper with sad eyes as she begins a very long, mostly uninterrupted monologue ( _"there's so much ground to cover here,"_ she thinks) in reply:

"Yes Jasper, that's _exactly_ what I'm saying. The ability to defeat opponents with sheer, raw power is _not_ true strength. I've actually proven myself to be very _weak_ sometimes; you've _seen_ my weakness for yourself when I spent months taking out all my negative feelings on you. Imprisoning you as Malachite using the weight of Earth's ocean wasn't strength at all, it was _weakness_ ; true strength is _**restraint**_ , true strength is **_patience_** , true strength is **_kindness_**."

"While it's true that you're improving as a person, your _motivations_ aren't the right ones. You should try to become a kinder, more considerate person for your _own_ sake and for the sake of _all_ people, not just because it's what Steven would want. The Diamonds, they used to think the same way you are now, except that they saw Steven as an equal rather than a superior."

"They spent two years _supposedly_ improving themselves, and they _did_ show more kindness to others, but they only did that because it was what Steven wanted from them, _not_ because they _truly_ recognized their need to overcome their tremendous shortcomings and become better people. It took time away from Steven in order for them to realize how flawed their way of thinking was. Once they became _truly_ better, they came to understand the gravity of their mistakes, and _that_ was when their powers inverted so they could begin to _properly_ atone for their sins."

Jasper continues to stare down at Lapis with shock and rage written all over her face as Lapis calmly continues her monologue while making sure to place great emphasis upon certain words without taking an actually angry or hostile tone:

"Normally it would _never_ be my place to speak for someone else like this, but since you've come to _me_ asking what Steven meant about 'doing something better,' and since he was never _honest_ with you about how he feels, then _I'll_ be honest with you _**for**_ him."

"You talk about Steven 'demonstrating his supremacy' over you, right? Well I know _exactly_ what he did to you, he told me about it because we're so close and because he knew that I of all people would understand what it's like to lose himself in mindless violence. What he did to you was _terrible_ , it was the _epitome_ of _weakness_ and he himself agrees; he _**murdered**_ you Jasper, and he thought it was _permanent_ because he didn't even _know_ at the time that it's _possible_ to restore shattered Gems. Can't you _calm down_ and see how _terrible_ it is that he murdered you?"

Jasper screams down at Lapis in indignation: " ** _OF COURSE I CAN'T SEE THAT_** , because there was **_NOTHING TERRIBLE_** about it! **_My Diamond_** can do **_as he pleases_** , and that _includes_ shattering any _lesser_ Gem if he wants to! I _dared_ to foolishly _disrespect_ him by calling him weak, so he demonstrated his complete superiority by shattering me, and then saw fit in his _gracious wisdom_ to attempt to revive me! What's **_wrong_** with **_that_**? It's how things **_should_** be! And you're right, you shouldn't be speaking for him, why should I believe _you_ about how _he_ feels, **_HUH_**!?"

It takes every last bit of Lapis' strength to not stand up and begin screaming back at Jasper, but Lapis refuses to allow frustration and anger to overtake her right now; besides, she expected Jasper's reaction to be hostile. So she remains sitting and continues her monologue calmly while placing emphasis on her words:

"Jasper, Steven was never honest with you because he was _trying_ to be _considerate_ towards you like we talked about; but he's **_too_** _nice_ for _his own good_ , so he'd rather shoulder _all_ the guilt himself than dump _any_ of it on you! You're being _inconsiderate_ towards Steven, and your mindset is _unhealthy_! You _need_ help, and I'm _trying_ to help you, but I can only do that if you'll _let_ me."

" _I apologize if my words seem harsh_ , Jasper, but here's the truth that I know you don't want to hear: When Steven told you to 'find something better to do with' your life, he didn't just mean to become a better person, he meant that he doesn't _want_ to be ' _Your Diamond_ ' if it means having _authority_ over you, and _especially_ not if you perceive him as having authority because he was able to _**shatter**_ you!"

Jasper looks even more angry as Lapis continues:

"You keep talking about what he would _want_ , right? Well what he _wants_ is for you to _stop_ perceiving him as some kind of _infallible god!_ Why do you think the other Diamonds gave up their authority and now spend almost all their time helping people? It's because Steven helped them realize that they _aren't_ gods, that they have flaws and made mistakes, that they spent eons committing terrible crimes that they now need to spend eons atoning for!"

"I played a part in the Diamonds' crimes, I used to terraform entire worlds; later I committed horrific crimes of imprisonment, violence, and torture against _you_ , and more recently I lost my mind to the point that I nearly shattered a pair of other Lapises. As much as I like to _believe_ that I'm a good person, and as much as my friends have faith in me, I know that if pushed to the brink I may become violent again, and that makes me feel ashamed."

"Well, just like the Diamonds and just like me, Steven _isn't perfect_ , and like me he committed a horrible crime against _you_! Do you really think Steven was being ' _gracious_ ' or ' _wise_ ' when he revived you? There was nothing _wise_ about him at the time, all he had was blind _panic_ and _hope_ that he would be able to fix the terrible mistake he made! He was hardly even _thinking_ at all!"

Rather than calming down, Jasper looks even more indignant as Lapis forges onward:

"All that incident left him with, Jasper, was the burden of guilt, regret, and shame, a burden I myself am _all_ too familiar with. When your response to being shattered and revived was to kneel before him and call him ' _Your Diamond_ ,' he **_hated_** that because it made him feel even _**more**_ guilty and ashamed! You should have been _upset_ with him for what he did to you, and by _revering_ him for it instead you really messed him up. When he went to Homeworld, he nearly attempted murder again, you know."

"I'm telling you this because I know you can keep things to yourself. Steven hasn't kept it secret anyway, and he'd be okay with you knowing if it means you'll stop _idealizing_ him, so listen closely: He was so unbalanced at the time that he nearly shattered White Diamond by using her own power against her when the opportunity for revenge presented itself. He only barely held himself back."

Jasper remains angry, but upon Lapis' big reveal just now, she now looks about ten times as shocked. Lapis continues with her monologue:

"The incidents with you and White were the final factors that pushed Steven over the edge into thinking of himself as and shape-shifting into a _monster_ , Jasper. Of course he isn't an _**actual**_ monster and never was. Alongside Connie, who I _know_ you despise because you _mistakenly_ think she's unworthy of him, Steven is in fact _the most wonderful and strongest person I've ever known_."

"But however amazing Steven may be, _he was never **perfect**_ , Jasper; as strong and compassionate as he is, he's still just a poor half-human boy who was horribly traumatized by the experiences he went through and the responsibilities he had to take on when he was far too young. Our messed up species dumped all of our problems and burdens on him, and he even ended up dragging Connie, a full-blooded human, into the horrible mess us Gems left for him to clean up."

"The two of them are the most wonderful and strongest people I know, but _everyone_ has a breaking point, Jasper. In Steven's case, when all of his trauma pushed him over the edge it led him to do some _terrible_ things that he finds it hard to forgive himself for, which is something that I can understand."

"Like I said, since you came to me asking what Steven meant, and since he was never honest with you, I'll be honest _for_ him, because he and I have talked about these things and he's told me _exactly_ how he feels. The fact is that he _hates_ that you treat him like he's superior to you, Jasper! He wants to be your _**friend**_ , not your leader and certainly not some kind of supreme overlord! All that poor, sweet, kind boy _ever_ wanted from _anyone_ was friendship, support, and love, and the _last_ thing he wants is an _underling_."

"There's one last _very_ important thing about Steven that you're missing in your failure to empathize with him and consider his feelings, and that's his _human side_. He left because he wants to learn how to interact with and live among humans in places where they aren't used to Gems, and _that's_ why he couldn't let any Gems go with him. He spent his childhood among _Gems_ dealing with _Gem_ issues, and now he wants to learn what it means to be _human_ , because however much you may _want_ to think of him as a _Diamond_ , the fact is that he's only _**half**_ -Diamond, Jasper."

"Gems don't have parents, but Steven has a _father_ who's human. Steven's body isn't a hologram projected from his gemstone, it isn't an illusion like our bodies are. His flesh, blood, bones, and most of his organs are human, while his gemstone is a vital organ that holds the rest of his body together."

"Not only does Steven have a human father and a human body, he's also chosen a _human girl_ as his closest companion and fusion-partner, and you have _no right_ to find that disgusting or see her as unworthy, Jasper! He's the only one with the right to decide who can have a place in his life. You _talk_ about respecting him, but if you _really_ respected him, then you would respect the entirety of who he is rather than just half of him, and you would respect his choice to have both Gems _and_ humans in his life."

"Finally, the truth is that it's _absurd_ that in the end this came down to me talking at length about _Steven_ : If you want to be a better person, it should be about _you_ , and _he_ shouldn't be a factor other than being the one who got you to recognize your need to improve. Contrary to popular belief among many Gems, the universe doesn't revolve around him; the other Diamonds eventually had to accept that fact, and you have to accept it too."

Before Jasper can cut her off, Lapis finishes saying what needs to be said, whether Jasper is willing to believe it or not:

"Jasper, I don't want you to get the wrong impression. I know some of my language just now was very... strong, but _I'm not angry at you_. I'm not even actually upset with you, and neither is Steven. Both he and I _empathize_ with and feel great _sympathy_ for you; you're _stuck_ thinking about the universe in an outdated way that even the Diamonds have come to realize is fundamentally flawed."

"Please Jasper, just _consider_ what I'm telling you and don't give in to your rage. True strength _isn't_ the ability to fight, it's the ability to control your impulses and recognize your flaws, so I'm _begging_ you to control yourself right now. If you really want to be ' _better_ ,' then you need to accept what I'm telling you. You need to learn what true strength is, you need to learn to be Steven's friend rather than his lackey, and you need to accept people for who they are. I can help you learn how to be friends with Steven and with other people, if you'll let me I ca-"

It's at this point that Jasper has finally had enough and forcefully cuts Lapis off by screaming in her face, having an outright apoplectic fit by now:

" _ **SHUT UP**_ , Lapis, just **_SHUT UP_ _!_** _**SCREW YOU!**_ What do _**YOU**_ know? You _**PITY**_ me, huh? _**W**_ -"

Lapis tries to interject: "Jasper, sympathy and pity aren't the sa-"

Jasper interrupts again: "I told you, _**SHUT UP!**_ How _**DARE**_ you pity me, and how **_DARE_** you say that My Diamond does too! Why should I _**believe**_ you when _**none**_ of this is coming from _**MY DIAMOND, HUH!?**_ I thought you could help me, but you don't care at all about what I think, you just want to _**brainwash**_ me now that Steven isn't here! Well _**I'M NOT FALLING FOR YOUR TRICKS AND YOUR MIND-GAMES**_ , Lapis! I see the truth now, that you still just want to **_control_** me and **_imprison_** me like when we were Malachite!"

"Like I said, _**SCREW YOU**_ , go find some other Gem to brainwash! I **_know_** what **_real_** strength is, and I can't _**BELIEVE**_ you would be so _**pathetic**_ as to spout some nonsense about how _**you're**_ somehow weak; that I could at least forgive you for, but how _**DARE**_ you say that _**MY DIAMOND**_ was ever weak! How _**DARE**_ you say that his actions in proving himself to be my superior were weakness! How _**DARE**_ you say that some pathetic _**human**_ female is somehow as much _better_ and _stronger_ than me as My Diamond is and is somehow **_worthy_** of being his companion!"

Jasper takes a deep breath before she continues screaming angrily: "My Diamond's **_traumatized_** you say? Well he never told _**ME**_ anything about that, so _**I DON'T BELIEVE IT!**_ I'm done with this, the last thing I need is to listen to you spout a bunch of nonsense and try to convince me to _**abandon**_ my _**loyalty**_ , when what I _**REALLY**_ need is to figure out what the mission objective is that My Diamond gave me! _**I CAN'T EVEN STAND TO LOOK AT YOU NOW!**_ I'm _**LEAVING**_ , and _**DON'T**_ try to stop me!"

Jasper turns her back and spin-dashes out of the room at superhuman speed, busting a hole straight through Lapis' wall. As soon as she's outside, she jumps as far as she can into the distance, and then keeps jumping; she's heading to her training grounds because she can't stand being in Little Homeworld anymore. Jasper refuses to accept the things that Lapis told her. She needs to let off steam by destroying a whole lot of boulders, although out of respect for Her Diamond's wishes she'll at least refrain from harming any organic life.

Lapis watches her leave sadly. The truth is that while she _expected_ Jasper to get angry and storm off, she _hoped_ that Jasper would be willing to believe her and listen properly.

Lapis _could_ have _physically prevented_ Jasper from leaving, but such an act would give Jasper the satisfaction of thinking she's right about "strength," and would reinforce her belief that Lapis is trying to control her. Aside from that, Lapis simply didn't have the heart to try. She may have expected Jasper to get angry, but she didn't expect (although she should have) Jasper's words to be so _hurtful_.

The logical part of Lapis' mind tries to tell her that the things Jasper said were all just a knee-jerk reaction due to Jasper's pride-driven defense mechanisms kicking into high gear. She knows that when that happens, Jasper responds by either physically attacking people or trying to get under their skin with insults, and Jasper knows better than to try to physically attack Lapis.

But however much Lapis _tries_ to tell herself that Jasper didn't _really_ mean those things, the statement about Malachite, the accusation of wanting to imprison and control her, cut as deeply as possible to the very core of Lapis' own insecurities. Her mind is in chaos; she can feel her old companions _madness_ and _misery_ creeping up on her like beasts stalking their prey. Like Jasper did before, she speaks aloud to herself just so she can process her own thoughts:

"She _doesn't_ forgive me, and she _doesn't_ think I should have pride. She's taken back those nice things she said to me. She _hates_ me and thinks I'm awful. And she's right, I _am_ awful. She may have been wrong about me lying, I may have told her the truth about everything, but I'm a horrible person who's done terrible things. I terraformed planets, I imprisoned and tortured Jasper for months, and I would've _shattered_ those other two Lapises if Steven hadn't been there to bring me back to my senses."

"And now I hurt Jasper _again_. If I'd put more thought into it, I'm sure I could've worded things better, been less harsh, found a better way to ease her into things instead of being so blunt, but because I failed to do so she'll probably go back to being all alone. Because I screwed up and hurt her again, she may _never_ learn how to improve herself. _Who am I_ to explain to anyone what it means to be empathetic or considerate? I... I'm the _worst_. I'm a _**monster**_."

She speaks those last sentences in a broken voice, and tears begin to gather in her eyes. The mighty Lapis Lazuli, the woman so seemingly accustomed to sorrow that she was able to resist Blue Diamond's old powers, breaks down in tears while sitting in her armchair, burying her head in her hands and sobbing mournfully as her mind succumbs to madness and loneliness like in the past. 

Reality isn't merciful enough to let her cry herself to sleep, since Gems don't require sleep. So she spends the rest of the evening crying until the break of dawn when Bismuth and Peridot come to check on her (Lapis hasn't texted to check in like she promised) and see the state she's in. They run inside through the hole Jasper put in the wall and attempt to comfort their dear friend.

Jasper, meanwhile, spent the entire evening completely annihilating all the largest boulders and rock outcrops that she could find. Having vented her rage through violence, all she has left now is her sadness and loneliness. Slumping to the ground in her cave as dawn breaks, she thinks, _"what do I do now that no one can help me?"_ She then thinks _"I really am weak and pitiful,"_ descending into self-loathing as she openly weeps for the second time in less than twenty-four hours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I warned you not to set your expectations too high or get your hopes up too much yet, folks! Sure, I could've had Jasper make a big turn-around in this chapter, but that wouldn't be realistic; " _Future_ " was all about realism when it comes to psychology and journeys of self-discovery, although _it did conveniently ignore the fact that Connie was a child-soldier like Steven and by all rights should be traumatized too_ (which I had Lapis hint at briefly). This will obviously be a long fanfic, because someone as stubborn and set in her ways as Jasper won't be able to change drastically overnight. **I do promise that things will start looking up again in Chapter 4**. As Avatar Aang once said to Avatar Korra in another franchise that I love, " _when we hit our lowest point, we are open to the greatest change_." 
> 
> If you think Lapis was being too harsh or spent too long on her monologue, well: Lapis is very blunt, and while she usually isn't long-winded, she knows _it's about time that someone told Jasper the difficult truths that she doesn't want to hear_. As much as he's improving thanks to therapy and his loved ones' support, it's obvious in the finale that Steven hasn't been honest with Jasper about his issues with her. Since Jasper outright asked Lapis what she believes Steven thinks and feels, Lapis takes it upon herself to speak on his behalf while noting that under most circumstances she wouldn't have the right to do so.
> 
> As for the stuff Lapis said about how it's absurd that she had to talk for so long about Steven in order to make her points to Jasper and how he shouldn't even have to be a major factor in all this: There was an entire episode (" _Little Graduation_ ") largely devoted to making the point that Steven isn't always the central character or even present for every story that unfolds, and that neither the other characters nor us viewers should fall into the trap of thinking the universe revolves around him. Steven won't be around for most of the events of my story just like he wasn't present for whatever went down between Lars and Sadie, and this is the last and only chapter in which he'll be such a prevalent topic of discussion except for when he makes actual appearances. He will, however, be a major character in this story, although most of his appearances will obviously be by video-chat.


	4. Everyone Has Flaws

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis gets some much-needed support from Bismuth and Peridot. Bismuth comes to realize something about Lapis that she herself seems unaware of, and Peridot can only be serious for so long before once again being a lovably dorky nerd. Meanwhile, Jasper broods for a while before having an epiphany.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is divided into two parts, one for Lapis and one for Jasper. The Lapis portion will have talk of C-PTSD and triggers, as we all know that Lapis clearly has C-PTSD (like Steven does) thanks to all the time she spent trapped in the mirror. _This chapter is much longer than the last one_ since it's a two-parter. The Lapis portion is far longer than the Jasper portion, since the former is an actual conversation between Lapis, Bismuth, and Peridot, while the latter is some more lonesome introspection by Jasper.
> 
> The two parts are conducive to being read in separate sittings, so the length of the chapter isn't as overwhelming as it seems!

**_Part One: Lapis_ **

Peridot has waited long enough; she and Bismuth have watched a sizeable chunk of Season 3 of _"Disoriented"_ over the last several hours, but while still paying close attention, Peridot finds she isn't nearly as absorbed in the show as she usually gets, because she's been anxiously awaiting Lapis' promised text to check in with her. Once dawn is only a few minutes away, Peridot has had enough; suddenly pausing the show and turning off the television, she says:

"Okay, that's _it_ Bismuth, it's been _too_ long and I'm _really_ worried about Lapis! She hasn't texted me like she promised, so we need to go check on her! What if something _bad_ happened?"

Bismuth replies: "C'mon Peridot, you know Lapis can take care of herself and that Jasper can't hurt her, and like Lapis said, if Jasper _swore on Steven's name_ that it wasn't about tryin' to fuse then we can trust her word on that. So do you _really_ think that Jasper did anything bad to her? Maybe Lapis just forgot to text you."

Peridot, demonstrating a level of emotional intelligence that's rare for her, answers: "I _know all that_ , Bismuth! But Lapis is still Lapis, and just because that clod Jasper can't hurt her in other ways doesn't mean she can't hurt her _feelings_! I've been thinking about it _all night_ , what if Jasper said or did something that made Lapis freak out? You _know_ how Jasper can be and how Lapis can get! And Lapis almost definitely wouldn't forget her promise to text me!"

Bismuth would normally be surprised that Peridot is acting so savvy for once, but she's suddenly too overcome with concern for their mutual friend to give that much thought. With a worried and slightly frantic look now on her face, Bismuth says to Peridot: "oh my stars you're _right_ , I can't believe I was such an _idiot_ , I forgot how sensitive Lapis can be and how good Jasper is at sayin' mean things! Yeah Peri, we need to go check on her _right now_!"

Peridot nods and says "exactly," and she and Bismuth stand up and quickly exit Peridot's home. As dawn begins to break, they stride briskly to Lapis' home. Once they get close enough, Bismuth really does feel like an idiot as she can see that Peridot's worries were probably justified; there's a Jasper-sized hole in the side wall of Lapis' house between the two living room windows. They break into a run, and as they get closer their worries are confirmed as they can hear the sound of Lapis' sobbing emanating from the hole; _"this is serious,"_ Bismuth thinks, _"Lapis gets down in the dumps easily but she never actually cries!"_ With that thought in her mind, Bismuth and Peridot accelerate into an all-out sprint and speed inside through the hole in the wall.

What they find confirms their worst fears: Lapis is curled up as small as she can become in her large armchair, her arms around her knees which are drawn up to her face as she sobs deeply. Bismuth's internal dialogue is more colorful than usual as she thinks, _"holy crap this is really bad, what the HELL did that BITCH do to her?!"_

Peridot, of course, immediately freaks out: "Oh my GOSH, Lapis, are you okay, what HAPPENED? We're here, it's me and Bismuth! What's wrong, what did that CLOD do to you?!"

Lapis' head snaps up suddenly and turns in the direction of her two friends who are standing just inside the hole in her wall, and they can see that she's been crying for quite some time given how puffy and red her eyes are. She doesn't speak, but rather stares at them in numb shock as tears continue to stream down her face.

Bismuth speaks much more calmly than Peridot (although inwardly she is freaking out just as much), saying in a soft and soothing voice: "It's okay Lapis, we're here now. Whatever's wrong and whatever happened, you can tell us about it, or not tell us if you don't want to, but either way we're here for you."

Bismuth starts to move closer to Lapis, and Peridot follows on her heels, but as soon as they've taken a step Lapis screams through her tears in a very distressed and broken tone: "NO, stay AWAY from me! You shouldn't BE here! NOBODY should be around me, a terrible person like me doesn't DESERVE to have friends! JUST GO AWAY!"

Peridot's jaw drops in shock as Bismuth holds out her left arm to stop Peridot from moving further while holding her right hand up in a placating gesture towards Lapis. Bismuth knows she needs to say something before Peridot can process her thoughts enough to blurt something out without thinking; Lapis' mental state is clearly precarious, and Bismuth knows that one wrong move could result in Lapis utilizing hydrokinesis to forcibly remove them from her home, or even worse she may fly away to who knows where.

While keeping her left arm in place so she can quickly clap her hand over Peridot's mouth if necessary, Bismuth slowly and carefully lowers he right hand and takes a moment to consider her words before speaking. She decides to begin her attempt to calm Lapis down by seemingly conceding to her:

"Lapis, if you really want us to leave then we'll get out of your hair for now, but you I need you to know that you're a good person and our good friend and that _nothing_ will ever change that. Peri and I came here because we were worried after you didn't check in with her. You're not a bad person Lapis, and our friendship with you is _unconditional_ ; you don't need to do anything to _deserve_ our friendship. Please let us stay and help you, Lapis. You know that no matter what, we love you and we won't judge you."

Hearing these words from Bismuth and noticing how the burly Gem is holding her arm out in front of her, Peridot realizes that for once she needs to be careful and not just blurt out whatever is on her mind. She slowly nods her head and simply says "that's right Lapis, you're the best and we love you, please let us help you."

Lapis still looks and is very distraught, but her friends' reassurances and Bismuth's claim that they'll still leave her alone if asked have calmed her down just a bit, enough that she considers what they are saying. Lapis thinks, _"they care about a monster like me. If I send them away or fly off, that'll hurt their feelings and make them worry more, and I really want to stop hurting and upsetting people."_ So she decides to not act on her first impulses in this situation.

Lapis barely manages to choke out some broken words in a small voice between her sobs: "I... I-I, y-you guys, I-I'm s-sorry for yelling... p-please stay, d-don't leave me all alone."

As soon as Bismuth and Peridot hear Lapis ask them to stay instead of leave, they know it's okay to approach her, but they are still cautious in doing so; the two of them walk slowly over to the chair Lapis is sitting in, and Peridot places a hand lightly on Lapis' leg while Bismuth gently lays a hand on Lapis' shoulder. Both of them look into Lapis' eyes.

Peridot says, "it's okay Lapis, we're not upset you yelled at us. Do you... want to talk about whatever happened with... Jasper?" Peridot says Jasper's name very hesitantly and quietly, as she's not sure whether mentioning the burly Quartz's name is a bad idea right now. Lapis heaves out a choked sigh as her sobs start to lighten a bit, and Bismuth gently asks, " _why so blue_ , Lapis? You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, but you know you can tell us anything."

Lapis shocks her friends by suddenly laughing through her tears, an edge of hysteria and madness in her tone. She can't help but be struck by the irony of how Bismuth said "why so blue" when she never told either of her two friends about the incident with the other two Lapises, nor about the song she improvised during that outing. Before Lapis knows it, she's in complete hysterics and has forgotten where she is or what's happening. The only tears coming from her eyes are now tears of laughter rather than sorrow as her madness drives her moods to swing wildly.

As Lapis doubles over in insane laughter with her eyes crinkled shut and her legs now dangling off the seat rather than pulled up to her face, Bismuth and Peridot take their hands off of her, looking at each other and locking eyes in a very worried and confused glance before turning their faces back to Lapis to see what she'll do or say next. They have no idea what's going on, but they're extremely concerned about how unstable Lapis appears to be.

The two of them have always known that their mutual friend has deep trauma and issues that make her prone to bouts of madness and instability, but neither of them has ever actually seen her during one of her major episodes; the only people who have seen Lapis at her most mentally unstable are Steven and Jasper. Seeing Lapis in such a state now, it takes every last ounce of their self-control for Bismuth and Peridot not to freak out themselves. Reining in their own churning emotions, they wait patiently for Lapis' mad laughter to die down as they watch her with worry written all over their faces.

After over a full minute, Lapis' peals of laughter finally begin to die down into softer snorts and chuckles, until fading completely. She sniffles a bit and wipes her eyes with one arm. As she gradually regains her wits and senses, she thinks _"where am I again, what's happening? Oh, OH, Bismuth and Peridot, oh gosh they SAW that?"_ Her face suddenly shifts into an expression of extreme mortification; she can't believe she acted so completely insane in front of two of her three best friends. In her opinion it's already bad enough that _Steven_ has seen her worst mood-swings; she never wanted _Peridot_ or _Bismuth_ to see her in such a state as well. She stares at the two of them looking deeply embarrassed and ashamed.

Peridot has no idea how to read Lapis' current facial-expression, but Bismuth does, and so she is quick to reassure her friend, cautiously placing her hand back on Lapis' shoulder (who briefly flinches from the touch before stilling) and saying in a gentle, reassuring tone: "Hey, hey, easy now Lapis, it's okay. I told you, Peri and I love you, and no matter what we won't judge you. You don't have to hide anything from us or be afraid to let us see how you're feelin'."

Peridot catches on that Lapis is embarrassed, and pipes up, "yeah Lapis, Bismuth's right, you can can tell us or show us anything, and _I'm_ the _last_ Gem who's gonna judge somebody for acting a bit weird."

Lapis sniffles a bit and wipes away a few tears that have once again gathered in her eyes, and then says something that to her friends seems completely out of left field since neither of them understand the irony of Bismuth's earlier phrasing: "A few months ago I... I... I almost _shattered_ a pair of other Lapises, one of them was that sweet one with freckles who's really good at dancing. They insulted me and then attacked me, so I snapped and lost control, I was _almost definitely_ going to shatter them. I only stopped because Steven was there to bring me back to my senses."

Lapis is still trying to drive her friends away, only now by telling them something that she hopes will make them see her for the "monster" she believes herself to be. She thinks to herself _"there, now they'll see how horrible I really am, and then they'll abandon me and leave me all alone like I deserve."_

Their reactions are at least partially what she expected: Bismuth removes her hand from Lapis' shoulder and lets it hang limply at her side, and both of them gape at her with their mouths hanging open in shock, seemingly at a loss for words. But to Lapis' surprise, there's no harshness or reproach in their gazes. She thinks _"why don't they hate me? Why don't they fear me? They SHOULD hate me! They should be running for their lives from a monster like me!"  
_

Once again, Bismuth is the first to gather her wits. Her face shifts to an expression full of empathy and compassion, and without warning she kneels down and throws her arms around Lapis in a hug; this snaps Peridot out of her own stupor, and she does the best she can to squeeze her way around Bismuth's large frame and hug one of Lapis' lower legs that dangle off the edge of the seat.

After a few moments, Bismuth lets go of Lapis but continues kneeling at her eye-level with a hand once again on Lapis' shoulder, and Peridot continues to hug Lapis' leg. Bismuth says: "Okay, that's pretty shocking but SO WHAT?! I _told_ you that _we won't judge you no matter what,_ Lapis! Did you think that telling us somethin' like that would make us suddenly hate or fear you? Well it won't, 'cause you're not the only one who's made big mistakes that you regret!"

Bismuth takes a deep breath before continuing: "Lapis, you know about how I built the Breaking Point and planned to shatter the Diamonds. You know I snapped when Steven told me how wrong my plan was, and you know what I tried to do to him then; what I did when I first got to know Steven was as bad as _anything_ you've ever done. But you know what? Steven forgave me and he's a great friend of mine now. From what I can tell, that freckled Lapis forgave you and doesn't fear you, because I've seen her smile and wave at you when she passes by. If you snapped, it's because you've got issues from trauma and got pushed over the edge, Lapis. Nobody blames you for that, just like we don't blame Steven for anything."

Peridot draws back from Lapis and gazes up into her eyes, saying: "That's right, Lapis! Why would I _ever_ judge you? You know about what I did when we came to Earth in the warship, _you were there_ and you _saw_ me do it! I was such a clod that I didn't even feel bad about what I was doing, I only felt bored and annoyed! If if weren't for Steven's shield, I would've killed Steven and his family! I'm the last Gem who's gonna judge you for trying to hurt or kill people. At least you did it when somebody actually attacked you, but I'm such a clod that I came to Earth to kill people who were just trying to protect themselves! We've all messed up before! Steven went so crazy he turned into an actual giant monster and tried to destroy _everything_ , but we're still all friends with him! You're my _best_ friend Lapis, so why would _anything_ make me wanna stop being friends with you?"

Lapis gazes in shock at her two dear friends, trying to process what they just said to her. As their words sink in, she feels the madness finally begin to subside, and she feels the burden of her self-loathing lighten just a little bit. She feels as if no words could possibly be adequate in response to their kindness, that there's no way to put into words just how grateful she is to have such wonderful friends. But she has to try, to say something, so she replies in a small voice that gradually rises in volume and no longer has a wavering, brittle undertone of insanity: "T-thanks guys. I... I really appreciate you saying that. I guess you're... right. It's not like I'm the only one who's snapped and done something bad. I really needed to hear all that; thank you so much, you two are the best friends I could ever hope to have."

At this, Bismuth and Peridot both grin and draw Lapis into a hug again, this time embracing her for almost a full minute. When the two of them draw away, Bismuth straightens to her full height and says: "So, if you're ready to talk about whatever's wrong, Lapis, do you mind if we take the sofa?"

Lapis replies, "yeah, that's fine," and briefly forms water-arms from her back to lift and turn her chair to face the sofa. Bismuth lifts a large dresser and places it in front of the Jasper-sized hole in the wall for the sake of privacy before she and Peridot sit on the sofa. With questioning eyes, Peridot briefly glances up at Bismuth seated next to her, and Bismuth subtly nods at her. Peridot is at least savvy enough to know she doesn't have the social skills to take the lead in this conversation, so by unspoken agreement she and Bismuth decide that the latter will be the first to speak once again.

Bismuth asks in a serious but friendly tone, "so Lapis, do you wanna talk about what happened last night, or do you maybe wanna build up to it by giving us the details about whatever happened with those other two Lapises and tellin' us why you even brought that up?"

Lapis sighs and says: "You know, yeah, I think I should tell you first about what happened with the other Lapises and why I thought of it. You already know about how much I hurt Jasper when we were fused as Malachite, you know about how I took pleasure in making her feel powerless, but I've never told you about Steven's and my off-planet outing a few months ago."

She pauses before continuing: "It's a bit of a long story. There were two Lapises still terraforming planets, so Steven and I went to stop them. Steven told them that it's Era 3 now so they were free to do as they liked, but their response was that terraforming _was_ what they liked. I told Steven that things would come down to a fight in the end, but he convinced me that we should be the bigger people and try to just talk to them. We explained how precious all life is, and that they could find other ways to express themselves like meep morps, dance, and song. I came up with a song called 'Shining Through' and sang it for them while dancing, it's about how I used to be miserable until I opened my eyes to how precious life and friendship are, and how I hoped that they would open their minds too. The lyrics have the phrase 'why so blue' in them, so that's why I got reminded of it and lost my marbles after you used that phrase, Bismuth."

Lapis pauses as Bismuth and Peridot get _a-ha_ looks on their faces before they gesture for Lapis to continue. She clears her throat and says: "After my song, the two of them... _laughed_ at me. One of them, not the one with the freckles, she _mocked_ me and said it's stupid for a Lapis to dance and sing 'like Pearls,' her words not mine, and said that I'm ' _dull_ ' and ' _pitiful_.' Then they went right back to terraforming the planet." Lapis notices how Bismuth looks very offended by the phrase "like Pearls," but Bismuth quickly reins in her emotions and continues to listen raptly.

Lapis continues: "So even though Steven tried to stop me, I flew over to fight them to make them stop killing innocent creatures. I tried to hold back, I _did_ hold back _a lot_ actually since I'm considered the 'Ultimate Lapis Lazuli,' but the two of them copied my moves and used them against me. They caught and restrained me, and were about to cut me in half when I just... snapped. I stopped holding back and completely overpowered them."

She sighs deeply before continuing again: "I formed a huge simulacrum of my body out of water and spoke to them from it. I was mean, I told them those two they were the 'dull' and 'pitiful' ones, and then I raised a water-spear to strike them. I was... I was _smiling_ , the two of them were clinging to each other while shaking and cowering in fear and I _enjoyed_ it, just like with Jasper as Malachite I felt _pleasure_ as I made them feel powerless. But then I caught the look Steven was giving me... he looked so sad."

"So I calmed down, I stopped and told them to stop terraforming planets, and they replied that they would do whatever I said after my display of what they called ' _strength_.' I tried to explain to them that my actions were _weakness_ , that strength is patience and restraint, but they seemed confused so I got tired of them and walked off. Looking back, I think only one of them was actually a bad person and was just influencing the other one, since one of them came here afterwards to learn to dance. That just makes me feel even _worse_ about what I almost did. I would've shattered them if Steven hadn't brought me to my senses. We Lapises aren't known for our physical durability, the two of them weren't defending themselves, and I was about to go _all out_ with my spear strike. Anyway, that's the whole story. I feel terrible about what I did that day, but it's a relief to get it off my chest and finally tell you guys about it."

Bismuth and Peridot had the most serious of non-judgemental looks upon their faces as they listened closely to the final parts of Lapis' story. When it's clear that Lapis has finished, Peridot has some thoughts of her own but isn't sure she knows how to put them into words in a tactful way, so she once again allows Bismuth to do the talking.

Bismuth says: "Wow Lapis, that really is quite the story. I'm gonna be honest with you: It sounds like you tried really, really hard to do the right thing and be a good person, and while the way you snapped may have been wrong, and while what you almost did was pretty awful, I can't say that I exactly, well... blame you for it, to be honest."

Lapis looks very surprised upon hearing this, but before she can come up with a reply, Bismuth continues: "Here's the thing, Lapis. You went through some really, really bad stuff in the past, things that left you traumatized. With what Steven's been workin' on in therapy and been talkin' through with all of us, we've learned a lot these last few months about what trauma can do to people, and about how folks like you and Steven have what humans call C-PTSD, you know? Well it sounds to me like you were... what was that word again... ah that's right, you were _triggered_ , Lapis. You tried your best to be patient with those two Lapises, to be a good person in that situation, and they responded with insults. Even then, you still tried to hold back so you wouldn't hurt them! And you only snapped when they, well... _restrained_ you, Lapis."

Bismuth pauses a moment to let that sink in before she continues: "All your friends know how your biggest trauma was being trapped in that mirror, so being restrained can trigger you. If they pushed your anger over the edge and did somethin' that reminded you of your trauma, then nobody can really blame you for snapping. Did you almost take things way too far? Yeah you did, but heck, like I said before I tried to kill Steven when I first got to know him, and I can't even say that it was because I have severe trauma like you and Steven do; I just got angry and violent. I think it speaks a lot to what a great person you really are and how much you've improved, that all it took was one look from Steven to bring you back to your senses so you would do the right thing even when you'd been triggered like that."

Before Lapis can respond, Peridot pipes up: "That's right Lapis, those two were being huge clods and they did the one thing that freaks you out the most! You messed up, but I totally get why so I'm definitely not gonna judge you for it! I'm really happy now that I _failed_ to kill Steven and his family with the warship-laser, so instead of paying attention to how you _almost_ did something bad, why don't you just try to feel happy about how everything worked out and you _didn't_ hurt anybody?"

A few tears are stinging the corners of Lapis' eyes again, but this time those tears are from joy. She wipes her eyes and smiles a slight smile, and then replied: "You're right you guys, I got... triggered. Just like Steven I've been working hard every day to heal and get better, so I just hope that in the future it won't be so easy for people to make me snap like that. You're right Peridot, I'm happy that I was able to come to my senses before I did anything too terrible, and things worked out in the end. Thank you, both of you, for being such great friends. I dunno what I would do without your support."

Peridot blurts out, "well _obviously_ you'd go totally _bonkers_ without friends," only to immediately realize how tactless a thing that was to say and clap her hands over her mouth as she sweat-drops nervously. But it's apparently okay, because Lapis laughs good-naturedly and says, "heh, yeah you're right, we know _exactly_ what I'd do without support, I'd lose my mind." She laughs again and Peridot relaxes; Lapis did always have a very dark sense of humor.

Bismuth chuckles a bit herself and then says: "Of course Lapis, there's no need to thank us, supporting each other is just what friends do. So now that you've explained why you went a bit crazy earlier and blurted out that stuff about what happened with those other Lapises, do you maybe wanna talk about... well... that?" Bismuth gestures in the direction of the hole that she concealed behind a dresser.

The smile falls from Lapis' face, although she no longer looks despondent either, and she sighs and says: "Yeah, I guess I should talk about what happened with Jasper. I just... I have to be careful with what I tell you guys, not for my own sake but for Jasper's. You heard what she said last night, that what she wanted to talk about with me is something private that she's not comfortable talking about with anybody besides me. So just... gimme a few moments to think about how to explain it without giving away the actual details."

Bismuth and Peridot nod and sit waiting while Lapis collects her thoughts for a few seconds. After careful consideration, she speaks: "Okay so, Jasper came to me asking for help, for _advice_ about something. Yeah, I know how surprising it is that Jasper of all people would ask someone other than Steven for advice. What she needed advice about is something _very_ serious and important. I can tell you it _does_ have _something_ to do with how Steven left yesterday. Things went really well at first; she was actually nice to me, she even said some kind words and paid me a compliment that made me really happy, and for a while she listened closely to all my advice about her issue and took me seriously."

As Lapis speaks, Bismuth and Peridot look shocked that Jasper, of all people, would seek advice from someone, and even more shocked that she would actually be nice and say something kind. But they don't interrupt as Lapis continues:

"But then I, well... I got to the real heart of what her issue is, the part that she either has no awareness of or is in denial about. And I was... I was too _blunt_ with her. I wasn't _tactful_ enough. I should've tried to ease her into it; I mean, I did try to ease her into it, but I think I could've done a better job. Anyway, she snapped at me and got _really_ angry, she denied everything I tried to tell her at that point and said some _really_ hurtful things to me."

She pauses and takes a deep breath before continuing: "She said that... that... that I was trying to brainwash her, to control and imprison her again like I did to her as Malachite... she basically took back her kind words and her compliment from earlier, and then stormed off through my wall. I... I know she was wrong about me trying to control or imprison her again, her saying that hurt really badly but I know it wasn't true."

She sighs before continuing: "What has me so upset is that I know _I_ hurt _her_ again. I already hurt Jasper more than anyone else in the past, and now because I'm so blunt and tactless, I hurt her _again_. I feel terrible about it. If I'd thought things through a bit more before speaking, then maybe I could've gotten her to listen calmly. Instead I hurt her feelings, so she did what she always does and got defensive and angry, then stormed off to be all alone. I'm afraid I may have messed things up, messed _her_ up, for good! Now she might _never_ get the help she needs! She might spend the rest of her life alone just like she did for so much of the last few years. I know you guys don't like Jasper, but I understand her better than anybody else does, and I know just how much she needs friends even if she won't admit it. I messed up guys, I drove her away and now I don't know... I don't know what to DO!"

Lapis speaks the last couple sentences in an increasingly broken voice, and when she finishes she breaks down into tears again; not tears of madness or self-loathing, but tears of sympathy. She feels so bad for Jasper, she wishes she could have helped her.

Peridot thinks, _"Holy CRUD, I dunno what to say to all that, I'm too much of a clod at talking to people to figure this out. I'll just follow Bismuth's lead again,"_ while Bismuth thinks _"wow, this one's a real doozy. Definitely not what I expected, but I guess if Lapis hurt Jasper's feelings and drove her away then it makes sense that she was full of self-loathing when we showed up. I need to think of something smart, insightful, and savvy. Think Bismuth, think... what the heck can I say to Lapis right now?"_

An idea comes to Bismuth, and she speaks: "Well Lapis, it sounds like this was another situation where you tried your very best to be a good person, right? You've always been a blunt person who doesn't beat around the bush, but Jasper knows you well enough to be aware of that. It's pretty obvious that she came to you, of all people, because she respects your power in combat, but did you consider that even if she didn't realize it herself, maybe part of why she came to you was because she knows you tells things like they are without sugarcoating 'em?"

Bismuth stops speaking to let her words sink in, and after a few seconds they seem to have their intended effect; Lapis stops crying and wipes her eyes, and says to Bismuth: "you're right Bismuth, I guess I didn't consider that. Jasper knows me better than almost anybody else does, she had to have known I'd be completely straightforward with her. But I still feel awful that I hurt her feelings last night after I already hurt her so much in the past. I still feel like I could have eased her into things more tactfully, and that because I didn't I may have driven her back into isolation. I was given a _very_ special opportunity to help someone who I once hurt terribly, and I'm afraid I may have completely blown that chance." Lapis is no longer crying, but the look on her face is still deeply sorrowful.

Peridot pipes up even though she knows she may not be the best person for handling a situation like this, because she's pretty sure she's realized something important: "Look Lapis, it's not your fault if that clod couldn't handle hearing the truth from you about... whatever it was. Jasper can be a huge jerk and gets mad easily, so you shouldn't beat yourself up about it if she went full clod-mode like she does just because you tried to help her out by being totally honest! I know you're a good person and you're not mean to people unless they push you too far. Don't be so hard on yourself!"

Lapis looks surprised at this, and her expression becomes less gloomy as she considers Peridot's words. She did _expect_ Jasper to react by snapping in anger. She just didn't expect Jasper's words to be so _hurtful_ , and that was what really got to her. She's still sad though, because she feels bad for Jasper; she's worried about her, worried that she might never open herself up to people ever again.

As Lapis ponders those thoughts, Bismuth speaks up once more: "Peridot's right, Lapis. You're a good person, and I'm sure you weren't actually mean to Jasper or anything. You really wanted to help her and were just pretty blunt about things, right?"

Lapis nods in the affirmative, and Bismuth continues: "Well then like Peridot said, don't be so hard on yourself. Let's be honest here: This is _Jasper_ we're talkin' about. Whatever the hard truth was that you told her, do you _really_ think there's some way you could've phrased it so that she _wouldn't_ have gotten angry and stormed off? Jasper is a Gem who does _not_ take kindly to bein' told things she doesn't wanna hear, and her response is always to either insult the person talkin' to her, challenge them to a fight, or both. She knows better than to try to fight you of all people, so she said the most hurtful things she could and then stormed off. That's just how she gets, and I'm pretty sure that you couldn't have prevented that even if you were the most tactful person in the universe."

Lapis considers her friends' words very carefully, and after some thought the remaining tension leaves her body and she fully settles back into her chair as she sighs regretfully, saying to them: "You're right guys, of course you're right, I shouldn't beat myself up over this. _Somebody_ needed to finally be honest with Jasper about... certain aspects of her behavior, and yeah, there's no way I could've told her what she needed to hear without her getting angry and defensive. Nobody's perfect; we _all_ have _flaws_ , and aside from how I can snap and get violent when pushed over the edge, another big flaw of mine is how blunt I can be. But in Jasper's case, I guess _it wouldn't have made a difference_ even if I didn't have that flaw."

She sighs again and then says: "I just... I _really hope_ she'll actually consider the things I told her. I know her well enough that I'm absolutely _sure_ she left Little Homeworld after she stormed out of here. I don't want her to go back to being all alone forever. I still want to help Jasper, guys. I would love to see her open up to people and finally make some friends. I know you guys don't like her, but if she does come back, can you guys promise me something?"

Before Bismuth can say anything, Peridot replies, "OF COURSE Lapis, whatever you need we're here for you, we promise! Right Bismuth?" Bismuth nods and says "yeah, we promise."

Lapis has a very serious look on her face as she tells them: "If Jasper comes back, which I hope she will, I need you two to _be nice to her even if she acts like a jerk_. She's going through a _really_ hard time right now, so if she comes back I want you to be be kind and patient with her no matter what she says or does."

Bismuth responds, "of course Lapis, you have our word that we'll be nice to Jasper if she comes back," and Peridot nods and says, "yeah, I promise I won't call her a 'clod' even if she's being one!"

Lapis chuckles a little at Peridot's choice of words and then smiles at her friends; she really is lucky to have such amazing friends. She says: "thanks guys, I appreciate that. Like I said, I really hope Jasper will come to her senses and come back. She really needs help. If she comes back, then just let _me_ handle her; if she acts like a jerk then just ignore it and be nice to her, and _I'll_ talk to her about her behavior, okay? I'll let you guys know once she's at a point where she can handle criticism from people besides me or Steven."

Bismuth says: "Alright Lapis, sounds like a plan. You really are a great person, and you need to stop _doubting_ that; just look at how much you still care about wantin' to help Jasper even after how things ended last night. I have an idea by now of what you two may have talked about, but I'm not gonna voice my suspicions. What I'll say is that I don't actually hate Jasper, I know she just has major issues. She definitely needs help with lots of things, so I hope she'll come back so you can help her. But just remember that if _you_ ever need help, then Peri and I are always here for you, okay?" Peridot nods and says, "yeah Lapis, we're always around! Like literally, just a few blocks away!"

Lapis smiles at them, and Bismuth speaks again: "Sooo, speaking of helpin' you out, you want me to get to work on fixin' that hole in the wall?"

Lapis laughs a little and says: "Yeah, please fix the hole, you know I value my privacy. I guess that all of my and Peridot's paranoia was for nothing in having you build our houses with strong materials and proper security systems; we may as well just leave our doors unlocked like most Gems here in Little Homeworld, huh? Heh."

Peridot suddenly has a minor freakout and frantically says in a loud voice: "WAIT, so you mean that _anybody_ could just _breach the perimeter_ at my residence? UNACCEPTABLE, this situation must be remedied _immediately_!"

Bismuth has already walked over and moved aside the dresser she used to block the hole earlier; when she gets a better look at the hole, she lets out a low whistle and with her back to her friends says: "Nah guys, these are _really_ durable materials. Since you were worried about security I built the walls of your homes using the same stuff as the Diamond Palaces. Other than the Diamonds, Lapises with water, true Garnets, Emeralds, and Steven, there ain't many non-fusion Gems in existence who could bust through this material. All that stuff about power and strength not being the same aside, Jasper _really is_ impressive: I can see she used a spin-dash, and her rotational speed was so extreme that the edges of the hole are _melted_ from the friction. I'd actually love to take Jasper up on her challenge to fight me if she stops being hostile and it's just a sparring match. Did she even use her crash helmet when she did this?"

Lapis replies with an out of character stammer, "u-uh, um, no, she didn't," and Bismuth whistles again before saying: "Daaang, well then from what I'm seein', I _doubt_ I could beat her; the Ultimate Quartz, indeed. Did Garnet _really_ manage to defeat her once? There must've been some kinda catch to that, I'm a match for Garnet but I don't think I could beat a Gem who can do this casually without usin' her weapon. Jasper sure is a _brawny_ one."

Bismuth glances back over her shoulder at the other two: Peridot unsurprisingly looks relieved that her home is in fact still secure against all but the strongest of Gems, but Bismuth notices something very strange, namely that Lapis is _blushing_. The blush only lasts a moment before Lapis notices Bismuth's glance and her face takes on a deadpan expression (typical Lapis) while Peridot says, "fantastic, it's good to know that my home's perimeter is still secure! I should've known better than to question that; I know I can trust your skills as an architect, Bismuth!"

Bismuth wisely chooses not to comment on what she saw and turns back to the hole in order to assess how much weight in materials she'll need for the repairs, but can't help wondering what Lapis' blush may have meant. _"What in the world,"_ Bismuth thinks, _"why would Lapis... wait, could it be from me talking about Jasper's... physicality? Nahhh, there's no way, those two were the absolute worst as Malachite. Although... Lapis does seem unusually concerned, even for her, about Jasper's well-being. Interesting. If it's something like that, I bet Lapis doesn't even realize it herself yet."_ Bismuth has always been very socially savvy, and decides to silently file those thoughts away for now while resolving to watch Lapis and Jasper's public interactions a bit more closely if Jasper does return.

Bismuth says, "hey guys, you can go do whatever, I've gotta head out to fetch materials for this repair. It'll be a quick job Lapis, your house will look as good as new within a half hour."

Lapis says "thanks Bismuth, you know we always appreciate you patching stuff up around here! And thank you, _both_ of you, for cheering me up today. You guys are the _best_."

Bismuth and Peridot both grin as Bismuth says "no problem" and heads out through the hole, and Peridot loudly pipes up: "Yup, you're welcome! Sooo as long as we're free gimme a minute to run back home and grab the blu-rays of ' _Disoriented_ ' so we can watch the episodes you missed; we'll watch 'em here so you can stay home until Bismuth secures the perimeter! Even though my memory _is_ perfect, I don't mind rewatching since the show has lots of hidden details and is _SUPER CONFUSING_ , but _THAT'S WHAT MAKES IT SO FUN_! Just wait 'til you see what the Anothers really wanted with Jake and what the Smog Monster does, all the answers just lead to more questions! My personal theory is that the Smog Monster is a cloud of nanobots...NANOBOTS, Lapis!"

Peridot abruptly pulls out her voice recorder (she got a new, fully digital one), holding down the record button and saying into it: "Log date twelve nine seven: Note to self, invent cloud of fully sentient A.I. nanobots, then show it off to Pearl. Nothing about self-aware nanobots can possibly go wrong or backfire, so just do it!" As Peridot puts away her voice recorder, Lapis raises a finger and is about to point out that something could indeed go very wrong with sentient nanobots, but before she can speak Peridot yells: "DON'T GO ANYWHERE Lapis, I'll be right back!" She darts out through the hole in Lapis' wall, and will surely return in a couple minutes in a state of even greater excitement.

Lapis can't help it; she bursts out giggling, and it intensifies until she's doubled over, laughing so hard she's snorting and has tears in the corners of her eyes. _"Same old Peridot,"_ she thinks, _"it's a relief seeing her back to normal after she spent almost the whole conversation with me and Bismuth so serious and quiet. I'll need to have a talk with her about the idea of giving sentience to nanobots... yeeeesh."_ She laughs even harder for a few moments, then regains control of herself and stands straight again, wiping her eyes. She smiles and thinks, _"I really do have the best friends. They came here to check up on me. Bismuth was thoughtful enough to calm me down so I could see reason, and Peridot was willing to actually let somebody else take the lead in a conversation if it meant she could help me. They're so sweet, I really am lucky to have them."_

Her face suddenly takes on a serious and slightly sullen expression and she sighs as she thinks, _"I wonder how Jasper is doing, though. She doesn't have anybody there for her like I do, and if anyone tries to approach her she'll just push them away. I hope she'll calm down and come to her senses like I did, that she'll open herself up again. Oh Jasper, where are you? Please come back, I can help you if you'll let me."_

_**Part Two: Jasper** _

Jasper cries for nearly a full hour after sunrise, and once she has vented her sorrow she finds herself once again filled with rage and an unquenchable thirst for destruction. Her ire is even greater than it was the night before. She _can't_ accept the things that Lapis told her, she _won't_ accept them. She thoroughly annihilated every last boulder and rock outcrop near her cave when she went berserk the night before, so she stands up, exits the cave, and takes several mighty leaps until she lands at the base of the nearby Uppaluchian mountains. She begins to rampage once again.

She smashes boulders, destroys rock outcrops, and triggers landslides by punching, headbutting, and spin-dashing into the mountainsides and cliffs. But no matter how much she destroys, she can't seem to fill the gaping hole she now feels in the depths of her soul. So she materializes her crash-helmet and goes truly all-out, pulverizing every bit of rock she can find into nothing more than a fine powder. She thinks, _"THIS is strength! Lapis is WRONG! True strength is POWER, and even if I'm not nearly as strong as Lapis or My Diamond, I still AM strong, stronger than any other Quartz, and this PROVES it,"_ and she proceeds to spin-dash into a large outcrop with so much force that it's seemingly reduced to nothing more than a cloud of its constituent molecules.

This time, her rampage continues for a much longer duration. She hardly even notices when the entire day passes and night falls, and she continues until the break of dawn snaps her out of of her rage-induced trance. Noticing the light of the rising sun as it begins to blanket the landscape around her, she stops dead in her tracks and stands stock still as she abruptly thinks, _"did I seriously just destroy stuff for an entire day and night? My Diamond would be so... disappointed in me."_

Jasper once again slumps to the ground upon her haunches; it seems like she's been doing that a lot lately. Rather than crying this time, she sits numbly for over an hour, her mind blank, until she slowly regains her wits and her thoughts return to the conversation with Lapis two nights ago. A heavy feeling begins to settle in her chest and gut; if she didn't know any better, she'd think she actually feels a little bit _guilty_ about some of those things she said to Lapis. Or maybe she _does_ know better, maybe she _really does_ feel guilty.

 _"That's crazy,"_ Jasper thinks, _"I have nothing to feel guilty about, because everything I said was right. Lapis just wants to talk me out of serving My Diamond. I know what strength is, and that strength confers authority. I know how things have always worked."_

Abruptly, she speaks aloud to herself just as she did two days ago: "Do I, though? Do I _really_ know how things work? Have I _ever_ known how things worked? AGH, this is all so CONFUSING!" She hold her head in her hands and pulls at her hair as if by doing so she can somehow yank the doubts out of her head, but deep down she knows that's impossible because she's _always_ harbored these doubts.

She unsteadily rises to her feet and pans her eyes, seeing the destroyed landscape around her in the light of the rising sun. She expects to once again be filled with rage, with the impulse to destroy things; but she's surprised to find that she feels no such thing. In fact, she's outright _shocked_ to find that the thought of more destruction actually seems unpleasant to her at the moment. Perhaps it's because she knows Steven would disapprove? Or perhaps there are deeper reasons. She never was very good at introspection.

She sighs deeply and thinks, _"back before he proved his supremacy, My Diamond often suggested that I should try to 'appreciate' my surroundings here, that I should... what was it he said... 'take in the wonders of nature.' If I don't feel like destroying anything, I guess I can at least give that a try since My Diamond suggested it."_

And so, Jasper does yet another thing that is completely out of character for her: She purposefully strides into the surrounding forest with the intention of simply _observing_ Earthlings. As crazy as it sounds to her, she figures that if Her Diamond himself suggested it, then perhaps taking a better look at Earth's ecosystem could give her some kind of insight into whatever it is that she's lacking.

As Jasper marches deeper into the forest, she idly observes her surroundings; there's many varieties of stationary Earthlings with green appendages, called "plants" apparently, including many of the especially large and sturdy ones that Steven told her are called "trees." She hears the noises of various kinds of Earthlings around her, but is unable to identify the source of many of those sounds. She notices small furry Earthlings with long bushy tails (she doesn't know the word "squirrel") running and jumping through the branches of the trees and briefly makes a mental note that while they're small and weak, they do seem _impressively_ agile. She can see many varieties of the tiny Earthlings called "insects" flitting around her wherever she goes. Overhead, she can see some of the tiny flapping Earthlings Her Diamond called "birds," and can hear the incessant chirping and whistling noises that they make. She walks deeper into the sea of trees for some time, silently observing her surroundings.

After several hours and many miles, with the sun now approaching its zenith, Jasper suddenly comes to a dead stop and speaks aloud to herself again, startling some of the nearby squirrels and birds who flee to safety higher in the canopy of the trees: "What could My Diamond have meant, what is there to 'appreciate' about this? These Earthlings, they're almost all so puny, they're all so _weak_. Even the largest ones, these 'trees,' would be destroyed by my lightest punches. What's the value of things if they aren't _strong_?"

The word " _strong_ " reminds her of Lapis' words from two nights ago, and she continues her soliloquy: "Lapis said that I'm wrong about what 'strength' is. She said that the power to defeat opponents isn't the same thing as 'true' strength. She told me that real strength is something... mental. She said that juvenile female human 'Connie,' who despite her skill with a sword I could still snap in half with one finger, is stronger than us, that she's somehow as strong as My Diamond. She even went as far as to tell me that... that... My Diamond, Steven, isn't _perfect_ , that he has _weaknesses_. She said that he isn't an absolute authority, and that his power to easily defeat me doesn't make him my leader. I _want_ to believe that's all just a load of nonsense meant to distract me from my mission. But didn't I admit to myself two days ago that there might not _be_ any _mission_ anymore? What if... what if I'm _wrong_? What if Lapis is right?"

She stares idly up into the lower canopy of the trees as she continues: " _Could_ I be wrong? As a Quartz, I'm supposed to be a powerful soldier who can defeat enemies, but My Diamond told me that doesn't matter anymore in Era 3. So why am I still being so stubborn and thinking about things in terms of combat and missions? Is it just that hard for me to admit that my way of thinking might be... _flawed_? Could I, the 'Ultimate Quartz,' actually have _imperfections_?"

A thought suddenly strikes her, and she gasps as she says in a small voice: "Even back in Eras 1 and 2, could I have _already_ been wrong? Lapis says that physical power doesn't confer authority. I always believed it did, but now that I think about it... that was never true, not even in Era 1! Am I really that _stupid_? Sure, the Diamonds themselves always had supreme combat prowess corresponding to their authority, and Gems like Emeralds and Garnets have power that befits their former positions as commanders; but what about Aquamarines, Sapphires, and Agates?"

She drags a hand down her face in exasperation, thinking that she really is a fool, and continues speaking: "Yeah, I'm an idiot, because even in the old days physical power and authority were _never_ the same thing! Aquamarines are _weak_ without the aid of technology, and yet they were far above Quartzes in the hierarchy. Sapphires held a high position because of their Future Vision, but were never anything special in combat. And Agates are just a variety of Quartzes made to intimidate and command other Quartzes, but regardless of their authority no Agate was _ever_ as strong as _me_. AGH, I really am STUPID, how did I only JUST realize this after THOUSANDS of years?!"

She once again falls to the ground upon her haunches, and heaves out a deep sigh full of regret before speaking to herself once more: "I guess I always just lied to myself about authority and physical power being the same, and deliberately ignored all the cases where that wasn't true, because... why, exactly? Why did I lie to myself about that, why did I choose to stay in denial? Was it because I would feel like less of a Gem if I accepted the truth? I guess that's it, huh. If I admit that the power to defeat enemies doesn't grant... superiority... then that's the same as admitting that my title as the Ultimate Quartz doesn't automatically make _me_ superior. I always wanted to think that I was unique and special, but I guess I was just fooling myself. Back in Eras 1 and 2, I was just another Quartz soldier. I may have been the _strongest_ one, but I was still just _one among many_ , I was still _replaceable_ as far as my commanders were concerned."

She sighs again and says: "So if I _was_ wrong about power and authority, then _could_ I be wrong about what real 'strength' is, too? Just like Lapis said, could it be that strength and power aren't the same thing? And could it... could what she said really be true that Steven, My Diamond, doesn't automatically hold authority over me? I've finally admitted that combat prowess and authority aren't the same thing. But the whole reason why I accepted Steven as my commander was because when he... _shattered_ me, he demonstrated superiority over me in combat. But if such a thing never granted authority, wouldn't that mean that Lapis is right, that My Diamond doesn't have authority over me just because he dominated me in a fight?"

She abruptly stands to her feet and once again is filled with rage, bellowing loudly: "NO dammit, no, My DIAMOND is SUPREME, his strength and wisdom FAR surpass my own! I CAN'T accept what Lapis said, I WON'T accept what she said! She's just trying to control me, to take me away from my real leader so that she can replace him! That BITCH, how DARE she, if she wasn't so powerful herself I would beat her into the ground for her insolence towards Steven! AGGGGH!"

Consumed by her rage as she screams, she swings her right fist in a massive cross-punch that connects with the nearest tree and thoroughly destroys it. Still blinded by fury, she begins to turn her eyes towards her next target, when suddenly she notices something in the upper periphery of her vision; a bird's nest is falling from the sky where it was previously balanced upon the tree's branches. Her wits and faculties return to her, and remembering what Steven did in a similar situation, as if it were out of reflex she gently catches the nest in her hand. The nest and the baby birds in it are somehow miraculously unharmed in the aftermath of the tree's destruction, and the birds stare up at her and chirp loudly in what seems to be terror.

"W... what am I DOING," she asks herself. A look of horror crosses her face as she's now absolutely disgusted with herself, and she says: " _This_ isn't what My Diamond would want. Lapis _was_ right, I _say_ I respect Steven as My Diamond, that he's my commander, but I don't show any _actual_ respect for him! I promised I would stop destroying Earthlings like he told me to, but here I go doing it again anyway! What in the cosmos is _wrong_ with me? I really am... _flawed_."

As she stares blankly down at the nest full of baby birds in her hand while thinking about how flawed she is, something jarringly interrupts her train of thought; an adult bird swoops down and starts shrieking and ineffectually attacking Jasper, dive-bombing her while clawing and pecking at her head.

 _"What the..."_ Jasper thinks: _"Doesn't this puny creature know that it can't harm a foe so much larger and more powerful than itself? Why is it even attacking me, what is it trying to accomplish?"_ She then notices how the baby birds frantically chirp at the adult bird, and the answer comes to her as she thinks: _"It must be their... what was it called again... their 'mother,' the same thing that Pink Diamond was to Steven. It's trying to... protect them, to save them, from a gigantic enemy it has no hope of defeating."_

Jasper spends a few seconds pondering the pointlessness of the mother bird's actions until she's suddenly struck by a blinding revelation, one which is grand in its scope and yet can be summed up in a few simple words. As the mother bird continues to fruitlessly attack her like a Ruby attacking a Diamond, Jasper says in an awestruck voice full of wonder: "This... _this is it_. This is _strength_. This mother bird, she's... she's _stronger than me_."

Jasper doesn't need to think this time about what Steven would do. She simply does what feels right to her. Using one hand to very gently shoo the mother bird away to clear space over her head, Jasper holds the nest gently in her other hand and jumps up into the branches of the largest, sturdiest nearby tree she can find; the thick lower branch she lands upon bends and creaks under her weight but manages to hold. She reaches up over her head and carefully balances the nest upon some smaller branches in a position where it's interlocked with the branches and should be properly supported to the extent that the wind won't knock it down. Satisfied that the nest is secured, she jumps down to the ground and watches from the base of the tree as the mother bird flies up to join her babies, shooting Jasper one last glare before doting upon her young.

"I concede defeat to you, oh strong one," Jasper says to the bird. Deeply humbled, she turns on her heel and begins striding further into the depths of the forest as she considers her epiphany, speaking aloud to herself once again.

"I guess I really was wrong," she says, "about so much. My Diamond was right that organic life is worth observing. That bird, _she's just like how My Diamond was_ when I first encountered him here on Earth almost three years ago, when he faced off against me and a modern Gem warship with his undeveloped powers at the time. That bird stood her ground in order to protect what was important to her even when there was no hope of victory. She's a true warrior; it's obvious that even if I had chosen to crush her, she would have persevered to the very end just like the Crystal Gems did that day. If I had imprisoned her, she would have struggled to find a means to escape just like Steven did."

"Lapis _was_ right; for all of our power, we can still be _weak_ , even when compared with the puniest of Earthlings. If that's true then... could she be right that what she did to me when we were Malachite was _weakness_ , and that what My Diamond did to me, how he _shattered_ me, was weakness too?"

Jasper walks for several hours yet again, thinking back upon her recent actions as well as all her memories of Steven and Lapis. As she ponders those memories, she closely observes the organic life surrounding her. She knows now that some of these creatures may be strong, strong in the _real_ way, and so she observes them closely, noticing how some of the animals seem to have offspring as the bird did. She notes how the animals with young raise their hackles at her in case she may prove to be a threat, showing a willingness to defend those they care about against an overwhelming foe just as the bird did. At one point she comes across a large black bear that is nevertheless still a good bit smaller and far weaker than herself; even so, it roars threateningly at her as a warning to her to leave its territory. She doesn't see any nearby, but she wonders if perhaps it has offspring as well.

After many hours of deep reflection, the sun is now creeping low towards the horizon as Jasper begins a new soliloquy: "It _was_ weak of me to destroy that tree earlier... Lapis said that strength is patience and restraint among other things, and I guess she's right, because by acting on an impulse while angry I did something that completely goes against the teachings of the person I claim to respect the most."

Jasper sighs as she keeps walking. "So... I suppose that just like she said, it _was_ weak of Lapis to let her rage take over when she imprisoned and tortured me for months. And for all his overwhelming, supreme power, I suppose it was... it was _weak_ of _Steven_ to do what he did to me. Like a true fool, I encouraged him to give in to his rage and aggression, and _kept_ encouraging him until he lost control and destroyed me. How could I have thought that such a thing was _strength_ , when the fact is that both he and I showed _weakness_ at the time?"

Sighing again, she says: "At least _those two_ have valid _reasons_ for their weaknesses though. If I'm admitting all this, then I guess I have to admit that Lapis is probably right about Steven; he didn't just pop out of the ground fully-formed like we do, he grew over time like other organics. So like Lapis said, _maybe_ I've been... _idealizing_ him too much, when he's just some half-human boy with the powers of a Diamond and who ended up with serious issues because of all the stuff us Gems put him through. He's... 'traumatized' like Lapis said, and that's why he showed moments of weakness. It's not like I can keep _pretending_ he's perfect and doesn't have issues; he literally transformed into a gigantic mindless monster. And Lapis is traumatized too I guess, by all that time she spent imprisoned in that mirror, and that's the reason for _her_ moments of weakness."

"But what's _my_ excuse, the _reason_ for _my_ weakness, huh? Is it just the fact that I've always been... always been _insecure_ , is that it? Have I always just been so afraid to admit that I'm not perfect, that I have _flaws_ , that in my weakness I tried to cover up my feelings with rage and aggression? That's it, isn't it? Hey everybody, look at Jasper, the 'Ultimate Quartz' and yet _as weak as can be_ , so insecure she could never admit her way of thinking was flawed."

Jasper stops and leans her back upon a tree while gazing up into the canopy. "Lapis did say that even the Diamonds have moved past the old way of thinking. She said that they learned to truly become better people without just thinking about what others would want from them, and that's why they gave up all their authority and now work to help and save all the people they hurt before. I always told myself the Diamonds have the right to do whatever they please, but if even they themselves think that isn't true, then why should I keep believing it? If I really do respect them, then why would I refuse to agree with them now that they themselves say they were... were... _criminals_ , criminals who feel they have to atone for their mistakes?"

Thinking about how White, Blue, and Yellow no longer desire any power or authority, Jasper suddenly gasps upon realizing something very important, the fundamental and profound truth of something that Lapis told her, something that made her very angry two nights ago. Memories of many different interactions with Steven flood her mind, memories of all the times when she called him "My Diamond" and gave him the Diamond Salute.

She says to herself in a defeated-sounding voice: "Lapis really _is_ right, about _everything_. Not just about strength, and not just about Steven not being perfect. She was right that _he doesn't want to be My Diamond if it means having authority over me_. How could I have been so _blind_ , so _stupid_ , so _oblivious_? I guess it was just my dumb insecurity making me live in denial so I could cling to the old ways, wasn't it? The fact is that from the first time I ever treated Steven like a leader, he always looked upset, maybe even _horrified_ , when I saluted him. He never _wanted_ me to salute him, he never _wanted_ me to ask him for orders. That poor boy, he, I... he wants me to treat him as an _equal_ , just like Lapis said all he ever wanted was _friendship_. But... I don't know how to be anyone's friend."

Jasper drags a hand over her face again and says: "Ugh, I really was stupid, and I'm _still_ being stupid. If I'm admitting that the stuff Lapis said was right, then I need to _stop making it all about Steven_. Like she said, _the universe doesn't revolve around him_ and the Diamonds. If I want to be 'better,' it shouldn't be because somebody _told_ me to, it should be because I really do _need_ to stop being such an insecure weakling. I need to learn to _think for myself_ , to figure out _what I want to do_ instead of relying on orders from superiors who don't even _want_ to be my superiors."

Jasper draws away from the tree and stands up to her full height, suddenly looking more like her usual self as she strikes a dignified and proud pose. She crosses her arms and nods her head and says: "Okay, that's it, no more of this self-pitying nonsense. I know what I need to do now. I now have new mission objectives, but for a mission of _my own choosing_."

"First Objective: I need to _stop_ making _everything_ about Steven. If I want him to be My Diamond then my respect for him has to be as a... friend, a friend who's far from perfect, but who even with his flaws has _mental_ strength, _real_ strength, that far surpasses anyone else's. But that means I need to learn how _friendship_ works, because I've _never had friends_ before."

"That brings me to my Second Objective: I need to go back and... apologize... to Lapis, I need to tell her that I realize she was right and tell her I'm sorry for the things I said, that I still feel like I did when I gave her my forgiveness and paid her a compliment. I need to _thank_ her for being honest with me and telling me the truth I didn't want to hear. Knowing her, I probably messed her up with some of that stuff I accused her of and said. I just hope she didn't lose her mind or something; knowing her, she'll forgive me, but that's only if she didn't snap. I hope she's okay. I need her help. She's not perfect, but she's definitely pretty good at that 'empathy' and 'compassion' stuff most of the time. I can't just keep being alone forever, that would be _stupid_ , that would be _weak_ , it would mean that I'm making no effort to work on my flaws. Lapis can teach me how to... what was it again... 'connect' with people. Lapis can also help me contact Steven, because I need to _apologize_ to _him_ , too."

"And that finally brings me to my Third Objective: _Friendship_ , I need to figure out how that works. I need to ask Lapis to teach me about it. She told me she could help me learn to be friends with Steven and with other people. I think that maybe... I might want that. And whatever exactly being friends with people really is, I feel like maybe... maybe Lapis could be my _first_ friend."

She then steels her face and confidently says: "I'll still always be a _warrior_ , though. That will _never_ change. Just because I need to learn how to be _strong_ doesn't mean I can't still take pride in my _power_ and respect others for theirs. I want to learn how to be friends with them, but Steven will still _always_ be _My Diamond_ , even if as an equal rather than my leader, and I will always respect Lapis nearly as much as him, because the two of them have power as warriors far surpassing any I could ever hope to possess myself."

She sighs as some of the confidence leaves her face. "I just hope the two of them will understand me seeing things that way and won't hold it against me. I'll just have to explain to them that no matter how much I change, I will _never_ give up my pride and my code as a warrior, so anyone who has proven themselves able to best me is still someone I _must_ show _respect_ for. Knowing them, they'll probably understand that and be okay with it."

With her new self-given mission objectives in the forefront of her mind, Jasper takes a mighty leap and begins to head back towards Little Homeworld, making sure to be careful in maneuvering during her landings so as to not destroy any of the organic life that she has finally begun to appreciate. As she is many hundreds of feet in the air far above the forest, she takes a moment to pan her eyes around and take in the entire scene: The green canopy of the trees is visible far below her lit by the soft orange colors of the setting sun in the distance, the sky and clouds above are shaded in hues of pink, red, and orange, and off in the distance she can see the mountains in which she and Her Diamond once so foolishly trained.

She once more speaks aloud and surprises herself by saying, "this planet, I suppose it really can be _beautiful_ like the Crystal Gems say. How did I never notice that before?" Several seconds later she lands and then leaps once more, and taking in the view again she says to her even greater surprise, "but it's _not as pretty as Lapis' smile_ was the other night. I need to _hurry_ , she might have snapped after I treated her so badly; I _have_ to get back _quickly_ so I can tell her I'm sorry and thank her for her teachings!"

Upon her next landing, Jasper's face takes on an even more determined look and she uses every last bit of her strength for the next leap and each of the subsequent ones, moving as quickly as she can towards Little Homeworld. She's not sure exactly why it is that she finds the blue Gem's smile appealing, but she feels like she _needs_ to see Lapis' smile again, and feels a strange desire to be the one to _personally_ put that smile on Lapis' face. Jasper has no idea what the strange bubbly sensations are that she feels when thinking of that smile, but she resolves to append her mission with one final objective:

"Fourth Objective," she says, "make Lapis smile as often as possible."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **These are some really long notes, but I just want to clarify some stuff from the chapter in case anyone is interested:** It may seem like I had Lapis talk for overly long about the incident with the other two Lapises, but the fact is that all three of her best friends (not just Steven) should know about it so they can support her, and the incident is relevant to the chapter since it was one of the greatest examples of Lapis' flaws/weaknesses that we saw in the franchise. And yes, Lapis was going to shatter those other two Lapises if Steven didn't bring her back to her senses. There's really no debating this, and I have Lapis explain why when she tells the story to Bismuth and Peridot. Maybe all you guys already realized this when watching "Why So Blue" and I'm just being redundant and patronizing by pointing this out, but I just want to make sure everyone realizes that Lapis was indeed going to shatter those two if she struck them with her water-spear.
> 
> I'm writing Peridot as not necessarily having developed a better ability to read people, let alone better social-skills, but rather as having developed self-awareness in realizing that she lacks those things, thus why she deferred to Bismuth during their conversation with Lapis in this chapter. After realizing how she was "such a clod" during "In Dreams," Peridot now tries to be more aware of her social flaws. But that's only in _serious_ conversations, bwahaha.
> 
> As for what Bismuth said about Jasper's combat prowess: Yes, Jasper _is_ more powerful than Garnet, and Bismuth is right that there was a catch to how Garnet beat her. Garnet was far more beat-up than Jasper by the end of that fight (and Jasper was landing far more blows than Garnet) but took advantage of their surroundings and threw Jasper into the power-core of the ship. Even then, Jasper didn't poof; besides Pink State Steven, nothing ever poofed her physical form and hardly anything even damaged her when she wasn't corrupted. She even tanked a full-force hit from Rose's sword, which _normally **bypassed durability** against Gems to poof them_, when it was wielded by Stevonnie; the blow was so powerful that it drove Jasper through the Corrupted Quartz she was riding and poofed it, but Jasper was unharmed. Garnet was correct when she sang that she is " **stronger** than" Jasper, but she is by no means more **powerful** than Jasper. Remember that one of the themes of the series is real (mental) strength vs "strength" (power), and that's what Garnet was referring to in her song.
> 
> I'm going to continue my running gag of "the trio" watching a show that is meant to be their world's version of "Lost"; with its confusing plot, science-fantasy elements, and countless hidden details, it's definitely the kind of show that Peridot would obsess over. If I'm writing a fanfic including Lapis and Peridot's friendship, it's literally required that it feature Peridot obsessing over a TV show. Peridot's "the Smog Monster is nanobots" theory is a reference to a once very popular real world fan-theory ( _that turned out to be WAY off-base_ ) during the first few seasons of "Lost" that the "Smoke Monster" was a cloud of nanobots. It seems like the kind of theory Peridot would go for as someone who's into science and oblivious enough to miss all the (obvious in hindsight) clues that everything in the show was heading towards more mystical/spiritual themes.
> 
> This is only the first step of Jasper's journey. At this point, all she's done is finally accept that her way of thinking was flawed and that she needs to learn how to connect with people and befriend them. But for her to actually pull off the whole "friendship" thing, let alone for her to realize what the attraction is she's feeling for Lapis, will be a journey in and of itself. As I said, **do not expect real romance to happen especially soon in this story**. This is a **slow-burn** romance, and as you can see it's starting with the characters gradually beginning to develop feelings of attraction while either being in denial (Lapis' case) or lacking an understanding (Jasper's case) of their feelings. These two need to become _friends_ before they can become _lovers_ , and since they had a toxic, abusive relationship in the past it'll take some time for them to figure out how to have a healthy relationship.


	5. Hilaradorkable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jasper returns, and awkwardness and hilarity ensue thanks to the presence of other characters besides just her and Lapis. This chapter provides a bit of much-needed comic relief before we get back to the _serious business_ that comprises most of this story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The final part of this chapter features an extended and humorous conversation between Bismuth, Peridot, and another character without Lapis or Jasper present. While most of it will, not all of this story will feature one or both of those two. In this case, I want to show how some other characters react to and discuss Lapis and Jasper's behavior among themselves. Don't worry, it's not in a bad way like talking smack behind their backs or anything, Lapis' friends are great people after all! Also I really wanted to write something more comedic this time around.

Thanks to her superhuman speed and jumping ability, Jasper doesn't need a Warp Pad in order to cross the distance between the Uppaluchian Mountains and the location of Little Homeworld and Beach City on the Delmarva coast in a very short time; barely fifteen minutes after sunset, with one final leap she lands just inside the outer wall of Little Homeworld where the street lights provide clear visibility during early twilight.

As she begins walking through the streets in the direction of Lapis' house, the various Gems and few humans nearby take notice of her presence. Like always, they keep their distance from her while shooting her nervous glances and whispering among themselves. But unlike before when she believed all of them to be "weak," Jasper finds that she actually cares about how everyone seems to fear and avoid her.

 _"Who am I kidding,"_ she thinks, _"I've always cared about how others think of me. I always cared about seeming 'strong' and 'perfect' to everyone. The only difference is that now I've learned what true strength is. I used to think these people feared and avoided me because of my 'strength' being superior to theirs, but now I can see the truth: They fear me not just because of my power, but because of my pointless acts of aggression and destruction. They avoid me because they've always seen me for what I really am, a flawed weakling who puts on airs of superiority."_

As she walks towards Lapis' home, she soon finds that she won't need to ring any doorbells to find her this time. Rounding a corner, she can see that a few dozen feet in front of her Lapis is leaning upon a lamp post while engaged in a conversation with Bismuth and Peridot, the latter of whom seems to be speaking (yelling, actually) in a very exasperated tone as she gesticulates wildly. Jasper is surprised to see, however, that with them are two more figures, the human girl Connie and her and Steven's large pink lion.

None of them are facing in Jasper's direction except for Peridot who seems too preoccupied to pay attention to anything besides her friends, so they don't notice her approach. Bismuth and Connie have their backs toward Jasper (Jasper can't help but notice Connie's sword in its sheath slung across her back) as they speak to Peridot, while Lapis stands off to the side with her profile toward Jasper as she leans against the lamp post with a slightly amused deadpan expression on her face. Lion is standing beside Connie with his backside towards Jasper as well. As Jasper walks closer, she can hear their conversation and slows her pace so she can listen, as she finds herself a bit curious.

Bismuth is softly laughing as Connie tries to explain something to a very frustrated looking Peridot. "So you see Peridot," Connie says, "many human scientists and science fiction writers have already considered the ramifications of nanotechnology and its potential to lead to the 'gray goo' doomsday scenario that I described, so you should really be cautious if you're going to invent something like that! Making nanobots capable of learning and growing on their own may lead to unforeseen consequences, and giving them full-blown sentience is a terrible idea fraught with danger. At most, you should program them to simply follow a predetermined set of instructions or to act according to commands you send to them remotely."

Peridot responds to Connie in a very frustrated tone as she continues to gesture exaggeratedly: "But Connieee, we were Crystal Temps together, can't you have my back on this? I wanna make my own Smog Monster like in ' _Disoriented_ ,' and that means it needs to have a mind of its own!"

Bismuth continues chuckling, and Connie seems about to respond when Lapis cuts in, saying in a dry tone with a hint of sarcasm and amusement: "Peridot, the Smog Monster flies around killing people seemingly at random and for no reason. Not that _I'd_ really _mind_ that or anything, but I'm pretty sure that _most_ people wouldn't take kindly to that or to the 'gray goo' thing that Connie told us about." Jasper is glad to see that Lapis seems to be her usual self, since she was so worried that her hurtful words two nights ago may have sent Lapis into a downward spiral.

As Lion begins to idly pace beside her to half-heartedly swat and snap at insects that flit about in the evening air, Connie says in a tone that sounds a bit excited and very validated, "yeah, _exactly_ , you shouldn't make nanobots self-aware, _especially_ if you're trying to recreate a fictional monster that attacks people!"

Peridot raises a finger as if to come up with some clever retort, but all she manages is to say is, "uhh... ummmm..." before slowly lowering her hand. At this, Bismuth's chuckling transitions into great peals of raucous laughter as she doubles over with her hands on her knees.

Jasper decides that now is as good a time as any. She walks forward until she stops only a few paces from the group, crosses her arms and strikes a dignified pose, and clears her throat before saying in a loud voice that sounds far more confident than she feels, "hey Lapis, I'm back."

Everyone startles except for Lion who began to turn toward her as soon as she stopped; Peridot finally notices Jasper's presence directly in her line of sight, and Bismuth stops laughing and stands up straight, turning around to look at Jasper. Their jaws drop only for a moment before they both do something that surprises Jasper:

They smile at her, although Peridot's smile clearly appears forced while she thinks, _"be nice, be nice, even if Jasper starts being a clod again I need to be nice 'cause I promised Lapis I would be."_ Bismuth's smile is genuine; she's glad that Jasper has come back to talk to Lapis again, and she's _very_ interested in this chance to watch how the two will interact after her realization yesterday about the possible nature of Lapis' thoughts concerning Jasper.

Lion noticed Jasper's approach as soon as she rounded the corner, but chose to act normally so he could take her by surprise in case she attempted a sneak attack using a high-speed spin-dash. Without Steven around, _he has to protect Connie at all costs_ against potential threats who are too much for Connie to handle herself. Since it's clear that Jasper doesn't intend to be sneaky, he lowers himself into a crouch and produces a low growl from deep within his throat, ready to pounce if Jasper proves aggressive. He knows that she wasn't a threat with Steven around, but he's well aware that Jasper dislikes Connie and he can't be sure what the Quartz may be planning now that Steven isn't here.

Jasper doesn't fail to notice that Lion turned toward her before she cleared her throat, and now realizes that he was aware of her approach. Jasper thinks, _"This Earthling who was granted his powers by Pink Diamond has always impressed me. I_ _respect him for being a powerful lone warrior. I wonder just how powerful he really is. His senses are clearly very sharp and his tactic of feigned unawareness was sound; if I were an enemy attempting a sneak attack I would've played right into his hands."_

A part of her is tempted to pick a fight with Lion just to test him, but after her epiphany in the forest she realizes that such an act would be one of weakness, and she thinks, _"this creature is strong in the real way like that bird I met; he would fight not for his own sake, but to protect the human female."_ That brings Jasper's thoughts to Connie.

Connie gazes calmly at Jasper with an expression that at first glance appears neutral, but Jasper knows better. This is the first time she's seen Connie without Steven around, and while Jasper may not be the best at reading people in many situations, as a _warrior_ she can assess Connie's current body language and facial expression. The human has no malice in her gaze, but Jasper can see that she's _sizing her up_ in case she proves to be a threat. Connie doesn't shift her arms at all, but as an experienced brawler Jasper can see that as Connie monitors her for sudden movements, she subtly tenses some muscles and relaxes others throughout her body in such a way as to be able to draw her sword and lunge forward to strike in a single, quick, fluid motion. As Jasper sizes the girl up herself, Connie catches on to that and ever so slightly sharpens her gaze.

 _"Very impressive,"_ Jasper thinks, _"this human lacks physical power and durability, but she carries herself like the mightiest of warriors and her sheer skill is clearly the real deal. Her resolve and courage are even more impressive; she obviously knows she has no hope of defeating me in a one-on-one fight, and yet she's clearly_ _prepared to calmly stand her ground against me if separated from the others. She also seems extremely intelligent and articulate. And all of this when she's apparently a juvenile still years away from reaching her prime. Lapis was right: This human is incredibly strong despite being physically weak, she's even stronger than that bird. I may not like her, but I do respect her."  
_

Lapis seems to have blanked out a bit upon Jasper's sudden appearance. Several seconds of silence pass as everyone looks at Jasper and all those thoughts run through her head, and then Lapis snaps out of her momentary daze and registers the fact that Jasper has returned. She suddenly lifts off the ground with her wings, _unnecessarily_ Jasper thinks since it's such a short distance, and touches down a few feet in front of Jasper.

Lapis softly smiles at Jasper ( _"that smile suits her,"_ Jasper thinks, _"but I want to see that dazzling grin from the other night"_ ) and excitedly starts rambling: "Oh my GOSH, Jasper, you already came back! I'm so happy to see you! Are you okay, did you think things over? Do you want to talk with me again? I'm sorry by the way if the way I worded things was a bit harsh and blunt, I know you probably wouldn't have wanted to listen anyway but maybe I should ha-"

Jasper cuts her off by raising her right hand and speaking: "Lapis, _you're_ not the one who should be apologizing. All those things you told me... you were _right_ about _everything_ , and I _thank_ you for your wise teachings. I'm _sorry_ I reacted the way I did. You were trying to help me by telling me things I needed to finally hear from someone, and my response was to get angry and falsely accuse you of terrible things. You did nothing wrong Lapis, but can _you_ forgive _me_ for my... my _weakness_ in being blinded by rage and denial?"

To say that everyone besides Lion watching the scene unfold between Lapis and Jasper is _surprised_ would be the understatement of the millennium. They're outright _flabbergasted_. Jasper, of all people, is being _nice_ to someone other than Steven, she's admitting that she was _wrong_ , she's _apologizing_ for her bad behavior, and she's demonstrating _humility_ and calling herself _weak_.

Peridot slaps herself across the face and rubs her eyes as she figures she must be seeing things. Bismuth's jaw hangs open in shock as she struggles to process what she's witnessing. Connie's jaw slackens as well, and she's hardly consciously aware that all the nearly-invisible tension left her muscles upon realizing that Jasper isn't a threat right now.

Lion on the other hand calmly straightens from his crouch and resumes snapping and swatting at bugs, this time invested in his actions rather than using them as a means to feign ignorance. He may be far more intelligent than he typically lets on (Steven and Connie at least realize that he can somehow understand human speech), but _a cat is still a cat_ and he couldn't care less about Jasper's _social_ interactions with anyone as long as she doesn't pose a _physical_ threat to Connie.

Lapis holds her hands over her mouth and trembles as a few tears gather in the corners of her eyes. For a moment, a pang of guilt shoots through Jasper as she worries she somehow upset Lapis, but Lapis dispels Jasper's anxieties when she abruptly lowers her hands and clasps Jasper's still half-raised right hand in both of hers.

Before Jasper can fully register that Lapis is holding her hand, Lapis shoots her _that smile_ , the toothy and joyful grin that reaches all the way to her eyes, and Jasper's mind nearly short-circuits as she takes in the current situation. Not only has she already begun to succeed in her Fourth Mission Objective, on top of that Lapis is for some reason _holding her hand_.

Jasper has no idea what to make of the situation, but what she does know is that she feels happy, _truly_ happy, which is a novel sensation for her. Lapis then does something even more unexpected; she lets go of Jasper's hand and surges forward to hug her. Jasper completely loses any ability to form coherent thoughts.

As Lapis hugs Jasper, she finds that she herself becomes a bit flustered. A brush briefly colors Lapis' cheeks as she remembers how Bismuth said "Jasper sure is a brawny one"; her frame is so large and imposing that Lapis can't actually fit her arms around her. Lapis once again quickly decides that her blush can't possibly mean anything, that she's just slightly losing her mind thanks to Bismuth putting weird thoughts in her head and her joy that Jasper has stopped living in denial.

After a few short seconds, Lapis lets go of Jasper and steps back a few feet, quickly regaining her composure. As Jasper blankly stares at Lapis in bewilderment, awe, and wonder, Lapis says in a voice filled with joy: "Oh Jasper, of _course_ I forgive you, I _already_ forgave you! I'm _so_ happy that you've come around! Does this mean that you'll let me help you? I _really_ want to help you!"

These words snap Jasper out of her trance, but the huge Quartz has lost all her usual outward composure and bravado. She blushes heavily, and finds that for some reason she's unable to look Lapis in the eyes, as if making eye contact would somehow reveal deep secrets about herself that even Jasper is unaware of.

Still blushing, Jasper nervously fiddles with and twirls the ends of her hair with her right hand as she focuses on the empty space next to Lapis' head and stammers in reply: "U-um, uh, thanks for... uhh... for forgiving me, I mean. That was very... _strong_ of you."

With thoughts of "strength" on her mind again, Jasper's blush subsides and her voice regains a small amount of its usual confidence as she manages to initiate eye contact with Lapis and says, "yeah, I'll let you help me. I actually _need_ your help. I have a new _mission_ , one I decided upon _myself_ , and I need your help in order to accomplish my mission objectives."

Everyone else present (except for Lion who still doesn't care) is watching the scene with great interest now that their shock has begun to wear off.

Connie finds it a struggle not to either squeal with delight, laugh, or both as she thinks, _"oh my gosh, they're so obvious, even though the two of them clearly don't even realize it themselves! It's adorable, dorky, and hilarious; I think I'll call Jasper and Lapis 'hilaradorkable' from now on. I wish Steven could see this, he'd have stars in his eyes! He's totally gonna flip when I tell him about it later, he'll probably come up with a ship-name. Heh, and here Lion and I thought that Jasper might be a threat; as if, right now she looks less like an intimidating warrior and more like an awkward schoolgirl with a crush she isn't even aware of yet. Yup, toootally hilaradorkable."_

Bismuth, who's nearly as savvy as Connie, thinks to herself, _"yup, my suspicions were spot-on yesterday! The crazy thing is how Lapis and Jasper don't seem to realize it themselves. That's probably for the best though, 'cause even if they're starting to have these feelings I'm pretty sure that neither of them is in the right place yet to be more than friends. I'm definitely rooting for them to get to that point, though; they're totally cute together, and both of them could really benefit from having the support of someone who's more than just their friend. But so help me, if she goes back to her old ways and breaks Lapis' heart, then there ain't nobody in the universe who'll be able to stop me from beating Jasper into the ground whether she's more powerful than me or not!"_

Peridot on the other hand is very confused as she thinks, _"what the heck is this? Those two are acting reeeally weird, Jasper is being nice while acting all embarrassed and blushing for some reason, and Lapis is acting super excited and showing her emotions more than usual. I don't get it. Whatever, I'll ask Bismuth and Connie about it later, the important thing is that Jasper came back like Lapis hoped and now Lapis is really happy. Jasper being nice is good thing thing even if it's super-weird. But Jasper better not go back to being a clod, if she hurts Lapis' feelings again I'll have to show her just how awesome my metal powers can be!"_

As the other three observe them, Lapis smiles again and clasps her hands in front of her in joy as she says: "Yes, of course Jasper, whatever it is you've decided on as your path in life, I'd be honored to help you figure out how to navigate it! So were you just stopping by to let me know you're back before you head to your home, or do you want to hang out? I was planning to join everybody here to go grab dinner, well more like for Connie and Lion to eat while the rest of us talk and maybe have a few bites; you're welcome to join us as long as you're nice to everyone! Right guys?"

To Jasper's surprise, Connie, Peridot, and Bismuth all nod in the affirmative; Peridot has another forced smile on her face while Connie and Bismuth look quite amused, although Jasper has no idea why anyone would find this situation humorous; then again, the concept of humor was always something that eluded her.

Nevertheless, Jasper looks uncomfortable with Lapis' suggestion, and she says as much: "I, uh... I'm not really... comfortable... with something like that. I have nothing against your... friends, Lapis, but I'd rather not join all of you in your outing, as I'm not exactly... social, and I'm still pretty uncomfortable with the concept of Earthlings' digestive processes. I also have no idea what 'hang out' means, although it's obviously some kind of colloquialism. You're the one I want to talk to; if you already have important plans, then I can come back later or tomorrow, just let me know when would be okay."

Lapis looks like she feels a bit foolish; she blushes for a moment again and waves her hands in front of her to signal that Jasper is mistaken, saying: "Oh no no, that's okay Jasper, I didn't really think that... I should've considered that you're not comfortable yet with hanging out, which means spending time with people just for the sake of being around them, not necessarily for any particular reason although there's often a planned activity involved. Our plans right now _aren't_ especially _important_ or anything, I mean except for talking Peridot out of giving sentience to nanobots but I'm pretty sure we've put that issue to rest. There'll be plenty of other chances to join Connie for dinner."

Lapis briefly turns toward her friends and notices that Peridot looks a bit confused (that's normal in social situations) while Bismuth and Connie look quite amused; she figures they must find it funny how she had to explain what "hanging out" means to Jasper. Lapis says to her friends: "Hey guys, I'm sorry to ditch you at the last minute like this, but would it be okay if I go talk with Jasper right now instead? Helping her figure out her path in life is more important than just hanging out at a restaurant, ya know?"

Connie knows she _shouldn't_ tease Lapis, but she knows that Lapis is in denial anyway and she just can't _help_ the bit of sarcasm in her tone as she replies: "Oh of course that's fine Lapis, you should definitely go and _talk_ with Jasper, I'm sure you two have a lot of things to _discuss_ between _just_ the two of you, _alone_ with _nobody else_ around." Bismuth has to exert extreme mental effort to keep a straight face, and now that she has the teasing out of her system Connie continues in a completely serious tone: "Really Lapis, this is obviously important. Like you said, helping Jasper matters a lot more than joining me for dinner, so go ahead, we don't mind! Right everybody?"

Bismuth nods and says "yup," and Peridot says "yeah Lapis, we'll see ya tomorrow or something!" Lion glances over his shoulder at Connie and half-heartedly grunts with a look on his face that says _"I really couldn't care less about what the rest of these weirdos do since I'm only here for you, Connie,"_ before returning to chasing bugs. Connie has gotten very good at reading Lion by now.

Lapis caught the sarcastic tone in Connie's words before the latter became serious, but she has no idea (or at least manages to convince herself she doesn't) why Connie would tease her right now. She replies: "Umm... ooo-kaaay Connie. Thanks for being so understanding you guys! Oh yeah, Peridot, I promise I really will text you to check in this time, but you don't have to worry anyway because I have a feeling things are gonna go well! Have fun tonight, I'll see you around guys!"

Jasper has no idea how to interpret the strange way in which Connie emphasized her words, and honestly doesn't care to try to figure it out. She's too preoccupied with Lapis' unhesitating willingness to bail on plans with her friends so she can help her; Jasper finds herself experiencing that bizarre bubbly sensation again, the same one as when Lapis gives her _that_ smile.

Now that Jasper knows what "consideration" is, it also isn't lost on her that _everyone_ is being kind and considerate toward her even though Connie and Peridot have bad histories with her. _"Lapis' friends are indeed strong,"_ Jasper thinks, _"I never even asked for their forgiveness like I asked for Lapis', and yet they seem to hold no grudge against me."_

Thanks to Lapis' (and everyone else's) kindness and consideration, Jasper's usual bravado has returned, in fact she feels _genuinely_ confident for once, and when Lapis turns back to her she says, "thanks Lapis, I appreciate it." To Lapis' _extreme_ mortification, Jasper then repeats her gesture and phrasing from two evenings ago, but this time in front of Lapis' friends:

Jasper cocks a thumb over her shoulder and in a gruff voice that oozes unmitigated swagger she says, "so _your place_ again, right? _Let's go_ ," before turning and striding briskly in the direction of Lapis' house. Lapis doesn't look back and promptly takes off to fly after Jasper while blushing heavily; she has no desire whatsoever to see her friends' reactions to Jasper's tone, gesture, and choice of words, nor to allow them to see her blush and misinterpret it when she _insists_ to herself that it's _obviously_ just from _embarrassment_ and absolutely _nothing else_.

Peridot is vaguely reminded of certain interactions she's seen in TV and movies, but doesn't think much of it. Connie and Bismuth, on the other hand, can barely restrain themselves. They wait at least twenty seconds until they are sure the pair are out of earshot, and then they abruptly burst into tremendous gales of laughter.

Bismuth is laughing even harder than she did earlier when Peridot got shut down concerning sentient nanobots. Peridot is very confused, and Lion turns to look at Connie with mild curiosity, as the pair double over with their hands on their knees and their legs shaking, barely able to stay on their feet as they laugh for over a full minute with tears leaking from their eyes. They laugh and laugh until Connie's stomach and sides cramp badly, and eventually their peals of laughter fade into chuckles and snorts. Bismuth stands straight again while Connie lets herself fall on her haunches and sits on the ground, and both wipe their eyes.

She's been uncharacteristically patient, but now that the two seem to be in a state where they can speak coherently, Peridot loudly insists upon answers as she can't stand being so out of the loop: "Okay, THAT'S IT, _everybody's_ been acting _SUPER WEIRD_ tonight! Why were Lapis and Jasper acting so weird, and what do you two find so _funny_? I DEMAND A COMPLETE AND CLEAR EXPLANATION IMMEDIATELY!"

Bismuth chuckles a bit and thinks, _"oh stars, Peri is the best, I hope she never stops being so quirky."_ She decides to let Connie answer since she has such a way with words. Connie is sitting on the ground leaning back against Lion's mane; when she sat down, Lion (he has such a soft spot for her) walked up behind her and laid down to provide her with more comfortable seating arrangements.

Connie gently rubs her belly with one hand to relieve the cramping and scratches lion's head with the other as she thinks, _"wow, I seriously haven't laughed that hard in a while, that was absolutely beyond hilarious."_ She can't take long to think about it though, because she knows that Peridot will probably have a conniption if she doesn't get an answer soon.

Connie briefly looks around to make sure she can't see anyone in earshot; from her standing position Bismuth shoots Connie an _"all clear"_ look, and so Connie answers Peridot: "Well Peridot, Jasper and Lapis have crushes on each other." She pauses to see how Peridot will react.

Peridot's mind stops functioning for a few moments as she tries to process what Connie just told her, and when she regains her wits in a couple seconds she shouts: "WHAT?! You mean like... romantic attraction?! That's CRAZY talk, that's IMPOSSIBLE! I mean, the two of THEM, really? There's no way!"

Connie giggles a bit ( _"oooh there's that cramp again,"_ she thinks) and knowing that Peridot needs social cues spelled out for her, she replies: "There's totally a way, Peridot. It's actually pretty obvious. It's why Lapis showed her excitement and joy outwardly to such an uncharacteristic degree, and although it was mostly quite subtle, even watching Lapis from behind I could tell from her body language that she finds Jasper appealing and might've blushed a couple times. Not to mention that Lapis is _rarely_ the one to _initiate_ affectionate physical contact with others."

Connie continues: "And Jasper was _really_ obvious about it, Peridot. She looked really happy when Lapis smiled at her, she basically blanked out when Lapis held her hand, and she blushed like a schoolgirl and was too bashful to make eye contact after Lapis suddenly hugged her. You can see it now, right Peridot?"

Bismuth continues to keep a lookout for anyone who may try to eavesdrop now that Jasper's presence is no longer scaring everyone away, but watches out of the corner of her eye as Peridot slowly puts the pieces together.

After a few seconds, Peridot has an epiphany and pounds her right fist into her left hand as she loudly says: "Oh my GOSH you're RIGHT Connie, they acted just like people with so-called 'crushes' do in TV and movies! I still can hardly believe it though, it's just CRAZY, I mean... Jasper and Lapis, really? They were total CLODS to each other a couple years ago! How is this even _POSSIBLE_?"

Peridot's question is actually a very good one, so Connie considers her words for a moment and then responds: "Well Peridot, Jasper is obviously changing for the better if her behavior tonight was any indication, and Lapis has already made tremendous progress as a person since the time when they were Malachite. It's true that they were bad for each other in the past; but Lapis is a great person, so maybe the two of them could be really good for each other if Jasper keeps improving and doesn't revert to her old ways."

"Jasper definitely seems to be making an effort to be kind and considerate towards Lapis now, and it's worth pointing out that she wasn't actually _rude_ to _us_ at all. In fact, it was really subtle, but Jasper sized me up as a warrior and looked at me with _respect_ , which as a warrior myself is something I never _expected_ but always _hoped_ for from her. It seems like she understands now what true strength and weakness are. So I have high hopes for Jasper, I think that Lapis may be able to help her become a truly good person! Isn't that _exciting_?"

Peridot replies: "wow, yeah, that's pretty amazing actually, it would be great if Jasper stopped being a clod for good. But even I can tell there's something else you're not telling me, and you also still haven't told me what was so _funny_! I MUST BE IN ON THE JOKE, EXPLAIN IT NOW!"

Connie giggles again before answering: "You're right Peridot, I need to tell you something else _really_ important before I can explain what made me and Bismuth laugh. _Lapis and Jasper both don't recognize their own feelings, and for now that's for the best_."

Peridot looks confused while Bismuth nods sagely as she continues to keep a lookout for eavesdroppers, and Connie continues: "Lapis is clearly in _denial_ about her attraction toward Jasper, and Jasper doesn't even _understand_ what physical or romantic attraction _are_. She's not like you where you don't experience those things at all but can still comprehend them in a conceptual sense, Peridot. She's clearly able to feel such things, she _is_ feeling them, but she has no knowledge or experience that would allow her to put her feelings in a context where she can comprehend them."

"Jasper doesn't even understand _friendship_ , Peridot; she's _never_ had _any_ friends. And it's not like Lapis and Jasper are _in love_ or anything like Steven and I are; they just have a mutual _crush_. For there to be _any_ chance that those feelings could _grow_ into love, Jasper is going to have to learn about friendship and become Lapis' _friend_ first, and both she and Lapis will then need to recognize and acknowledge their crushes on each other. There is no _guarantee_ that they ever _will_ fall in love, Peridot; sometimes crushes fade. But at the very least it looks like they will become friends as long as Jasper doesn't regress."

Connie takes a breath before continuing: "And that's why I need to set down certain guidelines, Peridot. Bismuth already realizes what I'm about to tell you, but you've acknowledged that you're not very good at navigating social situations so I hope you're not offended that I have to explain this."

"The rules are that we shouldn't actually say anything to Lapis or Jasper about their crushes or let on that we're aware of them, and we shouldn't interfere or try to push them in any way. I myself shouldn't have used a sarcastic tone to tease Lapis about it earlier, even though I knew she wouldn't catch on since she's in denial. What we should do is continue to support Lapis as her friend, and if Jasper reaches a point where she befriends any of us, we'll support her too. The _only_ circumstance under which we should talk with either of them about their attraction to each other is if they seek advice or support from us concerning it. Do you understand, Peridot?"

Peridot listens raptly as Connie explains everything to her, and after a few seconds of deep contemplation she replies to Connie in a very serious tone: "Yeah Connie, I understand. I'm not offended that you had to explain all that, because like you said that's just... how I am. If you'd only told me about their crushes without explaining how I should act, then I would've gone and been a total clod by blurting something out about it to Lapis the next time I see her. I just... do stuff like that, ya know? Heh, yeeeesh. I'm actually really glad you made sure I wouldn't go and do that; you're so good at reading and talking to people Connie, so I can always count on you to help me avoid being a clod. I promise I'll follow your 'guidelines.' Sooo are you gonna explain now what was so _funny_?"

Bismuth chuckles and Connie giggles again when they're reminded of what Jasper said, and Connie finally explains: "What's funny is the last thing that Jasper said before walking off, and how her tone and her posture were just dripping with swagger. Peridot, you watch a _lot_ of TV and movies. Aren't you familiar with the ' _your place or mine_ ' cliche in romance stories, how something along those lines is what one character says to another so they can agree upon whose residence to go to so they can... you know, become... intimate?"

Connie blushes a little when she says this; she may be wise far beyond her years, but she's still only fifteen and hasn't gone any further with Steven than hugs and kisses. Both she and Steven were always very _wholesome_ , and regardless of being deeply in love they by no means plan to be reckless like so many teenagers are. On the other hand, since she's a teenager with all the typical hormones and is so deeply in love with Steven, any mention of _those_ kinds of things tends to send her thoughts racing down a _very_ dangerous path involving her _very_ handsome boyfriend. _"STOP IT CONNIE,"_ she thinks to herself, _"now is NOT the time, you're in PUBLIC with your FRIENDS!"_ With a great mental effort, she extinguishes her somewhat risque thoughts.

Peridot's face goes blank for a couple seconds, and Connie can practically see the gears turning in her head until everything clicks into place and Peridot pounds a fist into her hand again with an _"a-ha" l_ ook on her face. Peridot starts off with a clinical tone but gradually descends into hysterics as she says:

"Jasper is unfamiliar with fictional media so she had no idea... but she said 'your place again, right,' and was like... her tone... and the way she gestured... just like those characters in movies... the way Lapis flew off instead of turning to look at us again... Lapis watches stuff so she knows about it and must've been embarrassed... oh gosh, oh my stars, heh, heheh, AAHAHAH!"

It's now Peridot's turn to erupt into a tremendous fit of laughter, and Connie smiles in amusement as she watches the small green Gem ( _"she's always so adorkable,"_ Connie thinks, _"I love Peridot"_ ) fall down upon her hands and knees and pound the ground with her tiny fists as she laughs uproariously. While Peridot laughs for several minutes straight, Connie pulls out her smartphone and fiddles around with something on it.

Peridot eventually calms down and rolls upon her back; Connie is standing again and she and Bismuth are peering down at her with looks of shared amusement, glad that their friend finally gets the joke. "Heh, yeah, that's super funny," Peridot says, and when Connie holds out her hand she takes it and rises to her feet.

Bismuth finally cuts in and says: "So Peri, now that you've got your explanation, we should probably head to the restaurant. Connie here needs to eat after all, and it's getting a bit late for dinner. Not to mention that Lion seems to be gettin' pretty antsy; like us he doesn't _need_ food, but he sure does enjoy eatin' it anyway since he used to be a normal lion." Lion is indeed huffing and glaring at them over his shoulder with an expression that says _"hurry it up already or I'll just ditch you to go hunt for my own food."_

Connie smiles and says: "Heh, okay buddy, calm down, we're gonna go eat now. Can you do us a favor and portal us there? Since it's gotten later than we planned, I ordered carry-out online while Peridot was laughing, so we can just pick it up once it's ready and eat sitting out on the pier since it's such a nice evening." Lion looks at her questioningly and she says, "yes Lion, I made sure to order your favorite." Lion seems satisfied with this answer and roars open a portal to the restaurant.

As Lion chases bugs again to pass the time and Bismuth, Peridot, and Connie sit on a bench near the restaurant waiting for Connie's phone to notify them that her order is ready, Connie just can't wait any longer to tell Steven about what's happening. There should still be a few minutes before the food is ready, so she calls Steven, and after a few rings he answers. "Hey Steven," Connie says, "you free to talk for a couple minutes?" Steven says something in reply, and Connie begins telling him in a quiet but very excited voice, "okay so, you're not gonna _believe_ what's happening, I have the _juiciest_ relationship gossip _ever_ to share with you!"

Steven's reaction is exactly as expected from him; although Connie isn't on speakerphone, even from several feet away Bismuth and Peridot can hear a loud squeal of excitement emanate from the phone followed by Steven yelling "OH my GOSH, _ROMANCE_!" Connie giggles while thinking she has the cutest boyfriend ever and replies, "Yup, there's a _romance_ brewing, a _hilaradorkable_ romance where neither person even realizes it themselves! And the story of how I found out about it ends in the _funniest_ way, you'll get such a kick out of it!"

Steven doesn't question her use of the nonexistent word "hilaradorkable," because he's so in sync with her that he requires no explanation and immediately adds the word to his own vocabulary. Connie continues: "so you see, I was hanging out in Little Homeworld with Lion, Bismuth, Peridot, and Lapis, when all of a sudden..."

A couple minutes later when she's finished telling the story to Steven and he's gotten the laughter out of his system, just as Connie expected he comes up with a ship-name: He calls them "Jaspis," and he's _very_ much rooting for their crushes to grow into something more meaningful. _"That's Steven for you,"_ Connie thinks, _"a hopeless romantic through and through. Gosh, my boyfriend is so adorable."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, basically everybody **except** for Lapis and Jasper now knows what's going on with them. The three "main" Crystal Gems will be made aware of the situation since this gossip is way too juicy for Bismuth, Connie, and/or Steven not to share it with them, and are savvy enough that they'll know to simply stand on the sidelines and watch things develop without saying anything about it to Lapis or Jasper.
> 
> I know this whole "everybody is now gonna gossip about them" thing is very **cliche** , but it was **inevitable**. Jasper is so clueless she doesn't understand friendship, let alone romance, so basically anybody besides Peridot should be able to spot the signs from her (like Connie and Bismuth did) since it's not like she's trying to hide anything. And anyone who knows Lapis should be able to spot how she acts more emotionally expressive and vulnerable around Jasper. And this situation is just far too interesting for Lapis' friends to not gossip about it. They're good people though, so "gossip" is by no means a bad thing here; they're _happy and hopeful_ for Lapis and Jasper.
> 
> As I've said previously though, just because Lapis and Jasper are developing a mutual attraction _doesn't mean that you, my dear readers, should expect true romance to develop between them anytime soon;_ the people around them noticing what's going on isn't going to change that, and this is still a slow-burn romance. I had Connie literally spell out the reasons why for Peridot in this chapter.
> 
> For those of you who read or are planning to read my other story in this fandom: Part of the massive revisions/overhaul for that fanfic will include some big changes in how Jasper speaks to Connie in the first chapter of that story. Remember that this story here is Lapis/Jasper-focused prequel for that one. As often happens when writing fiction, _the characters have developed minds of their own and are developing in ways I didn't necessarily expect_ , and that is especially true of Jasper's thoughts concerning Connie. So yes, this story will feature some more meaningful interactions between Connie and Jasper, as well as more of Connie's interactions with "the trio." Connie is arguably the _strongest_ "in the real way" character in the entire franchise; her "all of you shut up and get your shit together" (not her actual words but yeah) speech to everyone in "I Am My Monster" showcased how truly strong she is, as did all her other actions in that episode.
> 
> Also I absolutely love writing dialogue for Connie because she's so articulate and has such an advanced vocabulary. And yes, "hilaradorkable" is a thing she and Steven say now.


	6. Friendship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jasper and Lapis have another very serious conversation, but this one goes much better

Lapis again manages to regain her composure before touching down on her doorstep in front of Jasper and unlocking the door with her hydrokinesis. As before she holds the door for Jasper to enter ahead of her and ushers Jasper into the living room, but she doesn't make the silly mistake of offering Jasper refreshments. She once again offers Jasper a seat and Jasper takes her up on that offer, and Lapis turns the other chair so she can sit facing her like last time.

Jasper briefly glances at the wall that she broke two evenings ago, and even though there's no longer any trace of the damage, she turns to Lapis and says sincerely, "you know, I'm also sorry I put a hole in your wall. That was weak of me, too."

Lapis smiles at Jasper and says: "Oh that's okay Jasper, I was never upset with you over that and Bismuth was able to fix it in just a few minutes! She was actually _really_ impressed by the hole you made, she said she made my walls from the same stuff as the Diamond Palaces and that your power is incredible to be able to break my wall without using your helmet. But I'm _so_ happy, Jasper, that you _finally_ realize that such _power_ isn't the same thing as true _strength_. I'm _really_ proud of you, this is such a huge breakthrough! I can't help wondering, how did you manage to figure that out so quickly? Was it just from thinking about the stuff I told you, or was there something else?"

Jasper looks at Lapis with a very serious expression and she says, "in the forest near my training grounds I met a bird, and she was stronger than me. Despite being puny and fragile, that bird was a greater warrior than I ever was. She proved to me that your words the other night were the truth."

Lapis looks happy, but also quite surprised and a little bit confused upon hearing this, and asks Jasper: "Uh... what... you met... a bird? And she was stronger than you? What happened, exactly?"

Jasper answers: "In a moment of weakness while thinking about your words, I gave in to my rage and destroyed a tree, and some kind of basket thing full of tiny birds that must've been in the tree fell down and I caught it out of reflex. I realized that destroying the tree was something that Steven would frown upon, but before I could think much about that, the small birds' mother began attacking me in order to protect them from the threat-entity who destroyed their tree."

"I was confused at first thinking about how pointless her actions were since she knew she had no chance of defeating me, but then it struck me that the _pointlessness_ of her actions _was_ the point. She was just like Steven and the Crystal Gems when I first met them: Even when faced with an enemy she had no chance of defeating, she stood her ground to protect what she cares about, and would have persevered to the very end no matter what I did to her. I realized that the bird is strong, that unlike me she is a _true warrior_ who fights for the sake of _others_ rather than simply following orders or fighting for the sake of false pride."

Lapis' smile grows as Jasper tells her story, and she wipes a few tears of joy from her eyes before replying: "Oh Jasper, that's a _beautiful_ story! The way you had an epiphany like that and learned humility, it's like something out of a storybook, I'm deeply moved by it. Just to let you know, those tiny birds are called ' _baby_ ' birds, as very young and small animals are called ' _babies_ ' or ' _infants_ ,' until they grow into ' _juveniles'_ before eventually becoming full-grown ' _adults_.' That 'basket' in which you found them is called a 'nest,' it's something that adult birds build in order to house their babies until they're old enough to fend for themselves and fly away." A question suddenly pops into her mind, and she asks, "so what happened to the birds, what did you do with the nest?"

Jasper says, "I already knew what 'juveniles' and 'adults' are because Steven once explained to me that he and Connie are juveniles who haven't yet grown into adults. But thank you for explaining the concept of 'babies' or 'infants' to me. As for the nest... I placed it up high in another tree and did my best to make sure it was locked in place. Because she proved stronger than me, I conceded defeat to the mother bird and secured her babies for her."

Lapis wipes a few more tears of joy from her eyes before she says: "Oh Jasper, that's _amazing_! You did a _very_ good thing, you know. You destroyed the birds' original home, but you atoned for that action by helping them move to a new home. That was _strength_ , you know; it was _very_ strong of you to admit defeat and help that bird protect her family after realizing you were in the wrong. Your actions in that case were much like what the Diamonds are doing now you know, just on a much smaller scale."

It's now Jasper's turn to smile, and she asks Lapis, "really Lapis? That was... _strong_ of me? I'm glad that I finally did something strong for once, but I'm a bit confused as it seems there are many different things that can be considered strong. Can you explain how I was strong?"

Lapis now looks deeply contemplative as she carefully considers Jasper's words; after a few seconds of thought, she answers: "Well Jasper, you're right, there are _many_ ways to be strong. As I told you before, patience and restraint are strength. As the bird taught you, the selfless desire to protect others and the courage and resolve to stand one's ground against all odds are also forms of strength. Steven and the three original Crystal Gems were always _very_ strong in those ways."

"But you're right Jasper, there are _many_ other forms that strength can take! _Humility_ is a form of strength, and so are _atonement_ and _repentance_. It can be very hard for anyone to admit to things like being in the wrong or showing weakness. But you've now demonstrated those forms of strength, Jasper. You humbly admitted your own weakness and conceded defeat to that bird, you realized that destroying the tree was wrong, and you atoned for your wrongdoing by helping the creatures you hurt just as the Diamonds now plan to spend eons doing. That's how you were strong. And I'm very, _very_ proud of you."

Lapis gives two thumbs up and shoots Jasper _that_ smile again, the toothy ear-to-ear grin, and Jasper finds herself getting that strange tingly feeling once again. But now on top of that feeling there are others Jasper can actually identify: She feels a sense of acceptance and belonging. Lapis _approves_ of her, she's _proud_ of her, and believes her to be _strong_. Jasper swells with a feeling of happiness and pride greater than any she's ever felt or ever imagined she would feel; even if only for a moment, she's forgotten about her insecurities.

Jasper blushes, and her face also lights up in a smile; it's a crooked, slightly embarrassed looking but very happy smile, and she glances a bit to the side rather than directly at Lapis and fiddles with the ends of her hair. Unable to make eye contact at the moment, she says to Lapis: "Thank you Lapis, that... it means so much to me coming from you." Her blush subsides and she looks at Lapis again as she continue: "Before I get to the questions that will help me accomplish my current mission-objectives, I have one more question about strength. What are other forms that strength can take?"

Lapis looks thoughtful again, and thinks for a few seconds before responding: "Hmmm, well Jasper, that's a very broad question. I can at least tell you what _some_ of the other forms of strength are, though. First of all, I oversimplified things when I told you that combat prowess is never a form of strength. Placing value on your ability to fight can be a form of weakness _or_ of strength. What matters are the _motives_ behind why someone wants to fight, and also that they try their best to only use fighting as a _last resort_ once _words_ and _diplomacy_ have failed. That last part is something that Steven taught me, that he taught all of us. He's a very powerful fighter, but with Connie's help he ended the tyranny of Era 2 by _talking_ to the Diamonds rather than _fighting_ them."

"When it comes to having good motivations for engaging in combat, Steven and Connie are good examples; they trained and became better fighters over the years so they could protect their home and their loved ones. The reason why your pursuit of battle was always a _weakness_ is because of what you said before: You were only motivated by selfish pride and the desire to blindly follow orders. One last thing to note about being truly strong as a warrior is that it requires _courage_. You were always arrogant in battle, you believed yourself to be superior and couldn't see any possibility that you might lose. But what takes _true_ strength is to do what that bird did, to have the courage to stand up to an opponent who has you outmatched, like I and the Crystal Gems did when we fought Blue Diamond and Yellow Diamond. Jasper, facing off against the Diamonds was _terrifying_ ; I _really_ wanted to just run away. But I forced myself to stand my ground because I knew _my friends needed me_."

"Aside from the desire to fight others, the desire to _train_ to _improve_ your physical skills _can_ be a form of strength _rather_ than weakness depending on your _motivations_. You showed weakness by training for two years because you were motivated by nothing but pointless aggression and the desire to follow orders once you found a new superior. But wanting to improve your fighting abilities isn't in and of itself a bad thing, and there's _nothing_ wrong with taking _pride_ in your abilities as a warrior as long as your motivations are the right ones."

"I haven't told anyone about this before, but even though I was _already_ the 'Ultimate Lapis Lazuli,' I trained my hydrokinesis to become even _stronger_ during those two years. A couple years ago, with effort I was able to physically restrain Blue Diamond, but she _easily_ broke free with her Diamond Aura. I was worried for a while, although I'm not anymore, that the Diamonds would revert to their old ways. So I trained not for the sake of aggression or selfish pride, but so that I could _protect_ my friends if necessary. And my training paid off! When Steven turned into a giant monster with physical power far surpassing the other Diamonds and went on a mindless rampage, with tremendous effort I was able to restrain him for some time and keep him from doing anything terrible that he'd always regret. Steven later thanked me for stopping him, and I'm _very_ proud that I was able to use my immense power to help him and protect my friends."

"Jasper, you're an _incredible_ fighter; according to Bismuth when she saw the hole you made, you're probably more physically powerful than any non-fusion Gem in existence besides true Garnets, Emeralds, and the Diamonds. There's absolutely _nothing_ wrong with taking pride in that as long as your motivations are the right ones. It's fine if you want to train and hone your skills, as long as you do so either purely for the sake of self-improvement or so you can help and protect others."

Jasper does look a bit proud upon being told what Bismuth said, and Lapis continues: "I told you before that fighting isn't strength, but now you see it's not quite that simple; I was simply telling you _what you needed to hear at the time_ in order to break you free from the shackles of your outdated views. Do you understand why I omitted the more complex truth, Jasper?"

Jasper replies: "Yes, I see now. Fighting is only the right response once _empathy_ fails and _diplomacy_ breaks down. Steven did teach us that, it was one of the biggest lessons he always tried to teach to everyone. And I see what you mean that whether training and fighting is strength or weakness depends on a person's _motivations_. But the truth is so _complicated_ that you couldn't really explain it to me last time, so I understand why you told me that fighting is never strength. I will _always_ take pride in my power and skills, but in the future I will try my best to not focus on aggression but rather on self-improvement. I suppose that even the idea of fighting to _protect_ others out of empathy rather than a sense of duty does sound... _nice_ , now that I think about it. It _did_ feel nice when I used my superior size and power to atone for destroying that tree by helping those birds secure their nest in a different tree."

Jasper seems to have a sudden epiphany and pounds her right fist into her left palm in a very Peridot-like fashion as she then says: "Of _course_ , it _finally_ makes _sense_ , that's what the fusion calling herself Garnet meant when she fought me on the ship. She sang a song that I thought it was only meant to taunt me, but now I realize what it meant. She said that she wouldn't let me hurt her planet or her friends, that she's made of love which is stronger than me. I thought that was nonsense, because I was _winning_ the fight. But I see now how she was stronger: She was fighting to _protect_ what she _cares_ about, so her _resolve_ and _courage_ were _far_ stronger than mine. Because of that she kept _calmer_ than me and used better _tactics_ , and she defeated me using our surroundings despite being physically outmatched. Even singing that song was a way in which she was stronger than me, it was a brilliant tactic to make me lose my composure and leave openings."

"And now that I think back on that, I can see that when it comes to battle, there are forms of strength _aside_ from actual combat ability itself. I always thought that sheer power and skill were _everything_ in battle, but I suppose I was truly a _fool_ to believe that. I see now that keeping a cool head and using tactics can prove to be _stronger_ than the use of mere power. I don't know why I didn't see that sooner; I always gave in to my emotions and let them control me during battle, never considering that tactics can be a form of strength far surpassing power, and I somehow refused to see that even when someone actually proved it to me by defeating me."

Lapis briefly thinks, _"so Bismuth was right, Jasper had Garnet physically outmatched and there was a 'catch' to how Garnet won,"_ and smiles as she replies: "Yes, _exactly!_ I'm so glad you understand, Jasper. Fighting and training can be weakness _or_ strength depending on motives and whether you see fighting as an immediate answer to problems or as a last resort. And you're right, in battle tactics can prove to be a much greater form of strength than power. Garnet was _strong_ when she fought you, but you were _weak_ when you fought her, and that's why you lost. So with that cleared up, since you brought up Garnet whose existence as a fusion you always regarded as disgusting, for now I'll tell you about one _more_ form of strength, a way of being a _good_ person: _Acceptance_."

A more serious look crosses Lapis' face as she continues: " _As long as they aren't hurting anyone_ by being who they are, it's _immoral_ and _weak_ to feel or show prejudice against others for differences in their appearance, abilities, the way they choose to live, or other traits. Accepting and respecting people for who they are is a way of being strong that the Crystal Gems, and Steven _especially_ , have always _excelled_ at. Do you understand?"

Jasper ponders this for almost twenty seconds, and then a look of guilt crosses her countenance as she averts her eyes from Lapis' face once again and answers in a voice full of shame: "I... I see now. Yes. I was always... I was always _incredibly_ weak, incredibly _bad_ in that way. Gem society _itself_ was bad, now that you put things this way I can see that, and I guess that's the _whole point_ of the changes in Era 3. Until recently, the Diamonds taught us to reject and hurt those who didn't fit into their hierarchy or rules. But I suppose that _was_ weak and wrong. Steven taught the Diamonds that they should let everyone be who they are, as long as they don't hurt anyone like you said. I... I feel so ashamed. I think I need to... I need to _apologize_ , to many people."

Lapis shows a sad look of understanding and compassion on her face; she knows what it's like to feel guilt upon realizing the magnitude of one's wrongdoings. Jasper sighs and makes eye contact with Lapis again, and then says: "I need to apologize to _Garnet_ for calling her a 'shameless display,' for resenting and insulting the very nature of her existence, and for how I refused to accept that she calls herself a Garnet. There are even bigger things I need to apologize to Steven for, but I need to apologize to _him_ as well for how it took me so long to first accept that he wasn't his mother, and then my later failure to accept his existence as a hybrid and the one possessing Pink Diamond's gemstone."

Jasper looks to be on the verge of tears now, but she continues as she feels compelled to confess her sins to Lapis: "There are many others who I've shown prejudice against and refused to accept, but the... the one I feel _most_ guilty about is that Amethyst from the Crystal Gems. With you explaining that prejudice based on appearance or abilities is wrong, I realize that I... I was _horrible_ to Amethyst. I called her a 'runt,' I called her 'defective,' and I called her... I called her ' _weak_.' It was one thing for me to physically dominate her when I fought her, but I should never have called her weak, _she's_ the one who fought for the sake of her home and the other Crystal Gems while I fought for... what _was_ I even fighting for at that point?"g

Jasper sighs before continuing: "I'd already committed a taboo in the eyes of Era 2 society, the Diamonds would've _shattered_ me for fusing with a Gem of another type. I no longer had a mission from the Diamonds when I fought Amethyst, I would've been a fugitive myself if they'd realized what I did with you and I was only fighting to cover up my _own_ weakness. I was driven by nothing but _insecurity_ and _false pride_. And yet I was so _cruel_ to Amethyst, I was cruel because due to her _appearance_ , her short stature as a result of being overcooked, I _falsely_ saw her as everything I was _afraid_ that I _myself_ might have been: Weak, useless, _wrong_. She was strong, she fought for others, but I called her weak, I insulted her over and over, and when I poofed her I planned to _shatter_ her when she was defenseless."

Jasper now has tears leaking from her eyes and streaming down her face, and looks immensely guilty as she forces herself to keep looking at Lapis and continue: "There's no excuse for how I acted. I don't know how... Lapis, I know I _need_ to, but how can I _ever_ apologize to Amethyst for how weak and terrible I was, for how I took out all my own repressed insecurities, denial, and negativity on her, for how I tried to shatter her just so I could feel powerful and in control? She didn't... she didn't _deserve_ that, Lapis. How can I apologize to her when what I did was _unforgivable_ , how can I ever _expect_ her forgiveness?"

It's clear that Jasper has finished; Lapis stands up and takes a few steps forward. Due to Jasper's immense stature, Lapis' face is on the same level as Jasper's while the latter remains sitting. With a few tears in her own eyes, Lapis looks directly into Jasper's eyes as she places her left hand comfortingly on Jasper's right shoulder, and says in a soft voice: "Jasper, I did _the same kind of thing_ to _you_ as you did to Amethyst, I took out all my negativity on you and used you as a punching bag so I could feel powerful by making you feel insignificant And if _you_ were able to forgive _me_ before you even learned true strength, then I _know_ that _Amethyst_ will forgive you. She's laid-back, strong, and a wonderful person, Jasper. She's gotten over her own insecurities, and knowing her she's probably _already_ forgiven you and doesn't even _think_ anymore about how she felt when you hurt her. It's true that you can never _expect_ forgiveness from anyone, but someone like Amethyst _will_ forgive you."

"The hard part, Jasper, will be working up the courage to apologize to Amethyst and admit to her, as you did to me, how and why you know all your actions towards her were wrong. I _know_ that can be difficult to do when you've wronged someone in such a way. It took all my courage to admit to you two nights ago the real reasons why I'd been avoiding you and how guilty I felt around you, and you know that once I was alone with you I nearly had a breakdown. It can take a lot of strength to admit to one's own sins. But I _believe_ in you Jasper. I _have faith_ that you have the strength and courage to apologize to Amethyst, and to everyone else you've wronged as well."

Jasper has stopped crying, and her eyes glisten with her churning emotions as Lapis looks her in the eyes and continues: "And I realize now that I myself, I... I _forgot_ to actually _apologize_ to _you_ , Jasper. I _admitted_ that I did wrong, but I didn't actually apologize. Jasper, I'm _so_ sorry for the way I hurt you. I told you a couple years ago that the way I was when we were Malachite, it was unhealthy. It was so wrong. The Crystal Gems could have just defeated you there on that Beach, you were weakened from the crash and they had you outnumbered. I always tried to _justify_ things, to others and to _myself_ , by saying that I needed to protect Steven by imprisoning you. But the truth is that deep down I knew it was completely unnecessary. The only _real_ reason I fused with you was so I could make someone I disliked at the time feel trapped and imprisoned like I once did in that awful mirror. But then I... I... I _tortured_ you Jasper, for so much of the time we were fused. I'm so sorry."

Jasper chooses to emulate Lapis' gesture of comfort from earlier; she reaches up with her left hand to lift Lapis' hand from her right shoulder, and then takes both hands and firmly clasps Lapis' hand between her own in front of Lapis' chest. She then says: "Lapis, I told you, I _forgive_ you for _everything_. I _knew_ that the Crystal Gems could've defeated me after the crash, that's _why_ I wanted to fuse with you, so I could be powerful enough to beat them. So I _already_ knew that you only fused with me to imprison me so you could take out your rage on me. But I don't _judge_ you for it. How could _I_ , of all Gems, _ever_ judge someone for taking out their issues on other people, when that's what _I_ always did? Lapis, I don't hold anything against you, and I'm _grateful_ to you. You told me that you have _faith_ in my strength, that I can have the _courage_ to apologize to the people who I hurt. Your faith... it means _everything_ to me, Lapis. Thank you."

Jasper squeezes Lapis' hand a bit harder and continues: "You know Lapis, you're _wrong_ about your _own_ strength. You told me the other night that you're _weak_ , but you _aren't_ weak _at all_. I have no real excuse for my weaknesses other than how I've always been... _insecure_. But like you said, _nobody's perfect_ , and in your case your weaknesses are due to the bad things that happened to you, the thousands of years you spent trapped. You're... traumatized. But just because you have issues where you sometimes lose control of yourself because of how hurt you are, that _doesn't_ make you _weak_. You're _strong_ Lapis, _very_ strong, in the ways that really matter. I _admire_ you Lapis, I _look up to you_ and _hope_ I can one day be _as_ strong as you are."

Lapis blushes heavily when Jasper tells her all this; she herself has deep insecurities, so just like Jasper she's always sought approval and validation. To be told that the person she once hurt the most now _admires_ and looks up to her, to be told by that person that she's _strong_ , fills her with strange feelings.

She suddenly finds herself _very_ aware of Jasper's hands clasped around her left hand; she knows she's more powerful than Jasper, but that's only with _water_. _Physically_ Lapis is like other Gems of her type, meaning her body is weak and fragile compared to soldier-type Gems like Quartzes, and she's _especially_ fragile compared to the power of "The _Ultimate_ Quartz." Lapis notices how very _large_ Jasper's hands are as they completely engulf her own hand, and how _powerful_ those hands feel; Jasper has a firm but gentle grip, and Lapis knows that if Jasper strengthened that grip to just a tiny fraction of her true power, her own tiny hand would be destroyed.

Lapis is normally _very_ paranoid; her paranoia was why she chose to flee Earth rather than face the Diamonds' wrath (although she did work up the courage to return and help her friends), and it's why she had Bismuth build her home with a security system. And that paranoia is at least _somewhat_ justified _:_ After all, since Lapis is so fragile, some Crystal Gem soldier (neither Lapis nor Bismuth realize it was actually Bismuth herself) was able to _easily_ poof her during the War when she was caught unawares. Without her power over water, Lapis is _vulnerable;_ given the horrible trauma she was put through due to that physical vulnerability, she's _always_ paranoid that someone may poof her physical form and imprison her before she can regenerate.

And yet, to her own surprise she finds that she _doesn't_ fear Jasper at _all_ right now; she knows that now that she has a hold of her, Jasper potentially has the _advantage_ and the _control_ in this situation, and could likely poof her in a mere moment if she wished. But despite how Jasper _could_ harm her, Lapis _knows_ that she _won't_ do so; she _trusts_ Jasper absolutely and completely. She's now _acutely_ aware of Jasper's large frame, of how the arms attached to the hands holding her own are so _thick_ , of how the shoulders and torso those arms are attached to are so _broad_ , and of how Jasper is so _tall_ that she's at her eye level despite how she sits while Lapis stands.

Lapis is once again reminded of Bismuth's words: "Jasper sure is a _brawny_ one." Jasper is learning to be _strong_ in the _real_ way, she's learning to be _kind_ , and Lapis finds that as a result, Jasper's incredible _physical_ strength now makes her feel _safe_. She feels _secure_ and _protected_ with Jasper holding her hand like this. Lapis' blush deepens as she's _mortified_ to find that her thoughts turn in a new direction; she wants _more_. She wants to be _closer_ to Jasper, to curl up in her lap so Jasper can wrap those big, powerful arms around her to make her feel safe and protected from a universe that often seems so terrifying. Looking into Jasper's eyes, she sees them glistening with admiration and respect while Jasper's expression shows nothing but sincerity, and Lapis knows she's right: Jasper _would_ protect her if the need arose. Lapis blushes even harder.

All those thoughts pass through Lapis' mind in a matter of seconds. Lapis isn't just mortified anymore, she's outright _terrified_ by the direction in which her thoughts are heading. She averts her eyes from Jasper's face and abruptly pulls her hand back as if from a live wire, and Jasper allows her to do so by relinquishing her grip. Jasper's expression shifts from respectful, admiring, and sincere, to _extremely_ confused. _"Why did she suddenly pull away like that,"_ Jasper wonders, _"is she... afraid of me?"_ The thought that Lapis might fear her causes Jasper to feel a sharp pang of hurt, a sensation far worse than any of the tortures that Lapis inflicted upon her when they were Malachite, a sensation that feels _as_ bad or _worse_ than it felt to become _corrupted_. Jasper has no way to know that the reason why Lapis pulled away isn't because she _fears_ her, but because Jasper makes her feel _safe_.

Jasper's pain shows clearly on her face, and even though Lapis has her eyes averted, she _knows_ that Jasper must be confused, that she probably hurt her feelings by pulling away like that. Knowing that she needs to clear things up, it only takes Lapis a moment to force her blush to subside and to turn her eyes back to Jasper's.

Before Jasper can voice her confusion, Lapis tells her: "Don't worry Jasper, I'm not... there's nothing wrong, you didn't do _anything_ wrong, I _trust_ you." Jasper's tense expression relaxes into one of immense relief as Lapis continues with a lame excuse that's as much to convince _herself_ as it is for Jasper: "I just... because of my issues I... sometimes I'm _weird_ about physical contact, I go back and forth on whether I'm comfortable with it. It's not your fault, you really did nothing wrong." Jasper seems to believe Lapis' explanation, and Lapis forces herself to believe it as well.

Lapis takes a breath and fully composes herself before continuing: "I _really_ appreciate what you told me just now, Jasper. No one's ever _admired_ me before, or at least no one's ever _told_ me that they did. I _want_ to believe that you're right, that I'm _strong_." She sighs as her expression becomes sorrowful, and she says: "But I'm not sure if I _can_ believe it. As recently as a few months ago, there was an incident where I lost control and showed my weakness, where I nearly _shattered_ a pair of other Lapis Lazulis before Steven brought me back to my senses. I don't know if I really have gotten any better since we were Malachite. I don't want to... _disappoint_ you, Jasper, I don't want to let you down. Maybe you should find a better role model than a screw-up loose cannon like me."

Jasper looks upset, and she loudly voices her displeasure: "That's NONSENSE Lapis, I don't want to hear you talk about yourself that way EVER again! So WHAT if you lost control again a few months ago?! You said you have _faith_ in me, right? Well _I_ have faith in _you_ , Lapis, and if you lost control again I'm sure there was a _reason_ for it, something to do with your trauma or whatever."

Jasper takes a calming breath before continuing in a quieter tone: "I _know_ you've gotten much better since we were Malachite, because not too long after we un-fused you _rejected_ my offer to fuse again. I _offered_ to once again be your 'punching bag' as you called it, and you declined because _even after such a short time_ you'd _already_ become a stronger, better person. It's been a couple years and you've changed even more since then, so do NOT doubt that you've gotten better! I already told you, Lapis: I absolutely _hate_ seeing you look _sad_ _and pathetic_ , because _strong_ _and fierce_ suits you much better. But now I'll _add_ to that by saying that _happiness_ suits you well, too. I hate seeing you _frown_ , I'd _much_ rather see you _smile_."

This seems to do the trick, as Lapis once again shoots her that big, toothy grin that gives Jasper such a strange soaring feeling, and wipes a few tears of joy from the corners of her eyes. Jasper smiles herself and says to Lapis, " _there_ it is Lapis, _there's_ that smile I like to see," but she doesn't tell Lapis about how making that smile appear is one of her Mission Objectives. Lapis giggles a little before saying, "thank you Jasper, you're right, I should _try_ not to doubt myself. Once again, I _really_ appreciate your kind words." She then goes and sits back down in her chair across from Jasper.

The thought of her Mission Objectives brings Jasper's mind back around to the main reasons she came here tonight. Jasper greatly appreciates Lapis' further explanation of the various forms of _true strength_ , as it helped her reach some new epiphanies. But she originally came here so she could accomplish her Second Objective, to apologize to Lapis as she's now done, and _then_ to get her help contacting Steven so she can apologize to _him_ too. Jasper has now appended that objective with the need to apologize to several other people, _especially_ Amethyst. But she also came here to accomplish her Third Objective, to learn about "friendship." Jasper doesn't want to _just_ apologize to Her Diamond, she wants to offer him her _friendship_ as well, and because of that she needs to accomplish her Third Objective, to gain an understanding of the concept of friendship, before she can talk to Steven.

Jasper's usual demeanor of confident swagger has returned in spades. She sits with her arms crossed over her chest and her head held high as she gazes as Lapis, and says in a gruff tone: "Lapis, I have further questions for you. I plan to accomplish my new Mission Objectives but I can't do so without certain information and help that I know you can provide."

Lapis has to suppress her laughter so that Jasper won't mistakenly think she isn't taking her seriously; she can't help but find it funny how even now as she becomes a better, stronger person, Jasper maintains a soldier-like militaristic attitude involving "mission objectives" when it comes to bettering herself. _"It's kinda cute,"_ Lapis thinks, _"like those adorable little post-corruption horns on her hea... wait, WHAT?"_ She once again crushes her wayward thoughts beneath a wall of denial as if she were crushing an enemy beneath a wall of water, and yet she finds it increasingly difficult to suppress and deny her thoughts. For now at least, she still barely manages.

Lapis replies: "Of _course_ Jasper, you know I'm here to help you with _whatever_ you need! What are your questions?"

Jasper, still with a confident air, gets straight to the point: "What is _'friendship'_ Lapis, what does it mean to be _friends_ with people? And how can _I_ become friends with people? You apparently have many friends, so I figure you must know."

Lapis can't help it this time; she laughs. Since Jasper's air of confidence has returned and is now backed by some level of _real_ confidence as well, she says in a gruff and slightly annoyed tone with her arms still crossed: " _What_ , Lapis, what's so _funny_? Why are you _laughing at me_ , huh? Did I say something _stupid_ , do you _think_ I'm stupid?"

Lapis lets out a couple more snorting laughs before reining herself in and replying: " _No_ Jasper, don't worry, I'm not laughing _at_ you, or at least I don't think you're stupid, not at all! Your question is a _smart_ one, because friendship is _exactly_ the kind of thing you should be trying to figure out if you want to better yourself. What I'm laughing at is the _irony_ of it, because you've _already_ learned how to be friends with people and you don't even realize it! You already _have_ a friend." Lapis smiles softly at Jasper upon saying this.

Jasper loses her composure as her arms come uncrossed and her hands fall to rest upon her knees, and she asks in an astonished tone: "I've... I've _already_ figured out friendship? I already have a friend? _How_ , why? How can you say I already understand something when I have no idea what it is? _What_ is a friend? _Who_ is my friend already?"

Lapis continues smiling at Jasper and replies by simply saying, " _I'm_ your friend, Jasper."

Jasper looks even more astonished as she replies: " _You're_ my friend? Already? But how? I still don't understand, what _is_ friendship, what does it _mean_ to say that we're friends, Lapis?"

Lapis explains: "Jasper, friends are people who share a bond, a connection, of mutual fondness, empathy, consideration, and support. It being _mutual_ is very important; people say that 'friendship is a two way street.' You and I are already friends because _our interactions and conversation tonight_ have embodied the very _essence_ of friendship."

The smile in Lapis' eyes grows as she says: "We've been working to _understand_ each other, we've been _enjoying_ each other's company, and we've been _caring_ for and _supporting_ each other. Our interactions tonight are _exactly_ what true friends do. I _love_ having friends Jasper, and I'm _very_ happy to be _your_ friend! You've been a _great_ friend to me tonight, Jasper. I've _really_ been enjoying your company. You started off by telling me a story that was so beautiful it made me actually tear up a little, and since then you've opened up and shared some of your deepest thoughts and feelings with me and you've been incredibly supportive of me. Thanks to you, I feel _much_ better about myself tonight than I usually do; actually, I haven't felt this good about myself in a few months! _Thank you_ for being such a good friend, Jasper!"

As Lapis speaks, Jasper at first looks even more astonished before her countenance shifts to an expression of immense happiness and pride. A cocky smile returns to Jasper's face as she crosses her arms again and says: "Heh, well if _that's_ what friendship is then you're right, I guess I've figured it out, at least with _you_ anyway. I'm happy to be your friend too, Lapis. I'm proud that I've been able to make you feel good about yourself, because you're _awe-inspiring_ and you _should_ feel good about yourself. And you've done the same for me; your support has made me feel _much_ better about myself than I _ever_ felt back when I was consumed by insecurity, aggression, and false pride. So I'll say the same to you: _Thank you_ for being such a good friend, Lapis. This is fantastic, it means I've already accomplished my Third Objective!" Jasper looks even more proud of herself as she says this.

Lapis raises her hand to her mouth and giggles again before saying in an amused tone: "Heh, so your 'third objective' was _friendship_ , Jasper? That's funny and beautiful at the same time. Don't take my amusement the wrong way, because _I'm proud of you too_ for accomplishing your objective!" Lapis is curious as to what Jasper's other "objectives" may be, but as a _friend_ it wouldn't be right to pry; Jasper will disclose that information if she sees fit to do so.

Jasper does in fact choose to tell Lapis about her "Objectives" and satisfy Lapis' curiosity: "Yes Lapis, my Third Objective was friendship. My First Objective was to stop making everything about Steven and to properly respect him as a person. He's still very important to me, but as you said, the universe doesn't revolve around him. My Second Objective was to first _apologize_ to _you_ for my behavior the other night, which I've done, and then to apologize to _Steven_ for how I've hurt him with my idiotic behavior. But I decided to accomplish my Third Objective of friendship before talking to Steven, as I realized you were right that he wants my friendship rather than my subservience, and I needed to understand what friendship is before I could offer to be his friend. I'm really _not_ making everything about him anymore, but I still respect him a great deal, and I _really_ want to be his friend now that you've explained what that means."

"We both know he'll forgive me, he's the most forgiving person in the universe after all, but I still _have_ to _apologize_ before I can offer him my friendship. I've now added the need to apologize to others, _especially_ Amethyst, to my Second Objective. But those can come after I talk to Steven. What I need _your_ help with now is to talk to Steven, as I have no means by which to contact him but I know that you do." Jasper isn't sure _why_ , but she feels like telling Lapis about her Fourth Objective would be embarrassing and awkward. That's definitely for the best, because if Lapis knew that making her smile was one of Jasper's Objectives her mind would blow a fuse.

Lapis has tears of joy in her eyes again, and wipes her eyes with a forearm before replying: "Oh Jasper, that's so _beautiful_ that you've made me tear up _again!_ You've come _so_ _far_ already, so much more _quickly_ than I ever expected, and I'm _glad_ that you've surpassed my expectations! You've figured out _exactly_ what you need to do in order to better yourself and atone for what you've done in the past. As your friend Jasper, I'm _so_ proud of you."

"As for Steven: Yes, I have a means to contact him by using a human communications device called a 'phone' to call his own phone. For what you plan to talk about with him, a video-call where you can see each other would be best. You need to understand though that Steven is currently on a journey of self-discovery, so he _may_ be busy and not answer, and even if he does he might not have time for a long conversation, so if that happens you'll have to be _patient_ , okay? Do you want me to try calling him tonight, or do you need some time to prepare yourself before calling him someday soon? If we're going to call tonight it should be _soon_ , as it's getting a _bit_ late; it's only been a couple days so he should still be in this time zone, and it's important to remember that he needs to sleep like other humans. It's not _that_ late, he won't be going to bed for a few hours, but Steven likes to have time to himself later at night these days. So what do you want to do, Jasper?"

Jasper doesn't have to think things over as she immediately replies: "I'm ready Lapis, please call him right now. And I'll be patient if he doesn't answer or can't talk for long right now, because I'm trying to be truly strong now and you taught me that patience is a form of strength."

Lapis smiles at how seriously Jasper is taking their "lessons," and replies: "Okay then Jasper, if you're sure you're ready then I'll call Steven now! I hope he's free to talk. _Don't say anything at first_ , I'll start the call with just me in the camera frame and then I'll tell him that someone's here who wants to talk to him. Do you want me to tell him it's you, or should I just tell him someone wants to talk to him and let you introduce yourself? At that point you can just walk over to stand next to me and he'll be able to see you."

Jasper replies, "alright Lapis, understood. You don't have to tell him it's me, I will introduce myself." Lapis has a _waterproof_ smartphone of course, and leaning slightly forward in her chair for a moment she materializes it from the gemstone in her upper back and uses a water-arm to pass it into her hand. She pulls up the Atmosphype app and dials Steven for a video-call. Jasper watches as the so-called "phone" in Lapis' hand produces a ringing noise, and suddenly finds herself becoming _extremely_ nervous as she's possessed by an urge to flee. _"No,"_ Jasper thinks, _"I can't run away from this. I have to own up to my past mistakes. And I want to be Steven's friend. I want to make things right between us like I did with Lapis. If I want to be truly strong, I must have the courage to stand my ground rather than flee."  
_

Lapis already has the app on speakerphone mode, and although she can't see the screen, Jasper hears the phone produce a clicking noise as it suddenly stops ringing. She then hears Steven's voice emanate from the phone as he says, "oh, hey Lapis!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, the thing about Jasper realizing she needs to apologize to people has been a long time coming. And alongside Steven, she obviously owes the _biggest_ apology to Amethyst.
> 
> I capitalize Jasper's "First Objective," "Second Objective," etc. when seen from her point of view, as she views her "Mission Objectives" as something very "official," while I don't capitalize 'objectives' when seen from the point of view of others like Lapis.
> 
> So about Jasper saying that Steven forgives everyone and is the most forgiving person in the universe: I'm well aware of the interview in which Rebecca Sugar stated that Steven in fact isn't a forgiving person and rather just bottles things up and forces himself to not dwell on grudges. However, the point is that it's Jasper who's saying this: Just like other Gems, she is under the impression that he's the most forgiving person ever, and has no reason to believe otherwise. Her knowledge on the matter is unreliable. Also, none of this is to say that Steven _doesn't_ forgive people: He's just not some kind of _saint_ when it comes to that.
> 
> My headcanon is that Lapis trained her water-manipulation, as she explains to Jasper, during the two years. Monster Steven was **way** more physically powerful than Blue Diamond, and yet Lapis somehow proved capable of restraining him for an extended period of time; Lapis' water-powers in _"I Am My Monster"_ in fact proved to be _more powerful than the **partially-formed Cluster**_ , as Monster Steven had to "scream" with a Pink Aura shockwave to break Lapis' hold but was able to break the Cluster's grip using physical might. Lapis was always unbelievably powerful and likely "The Ultimate Lapis Lazuli" to begin with, as evidenced by her ability to physically restrain Blue; but she seems to have become even _more_ powerful after two years. That's why those other two Lapises treated her as if she were a Diamond once she stomped them, because her power is likely now very close to that Blue and Yellow even with their Auras if she was able to restrain Monster Steven like that.
> 
> As for the concept of Gems training: Clearly they're able to grow more powerful (not just more skilled) to some extent by training, as Amethyst seemed to do so when she trained to fight Jasper a second time, and Jasper chose to train not only her skills but her power as well, which she wouldn't have bothered with if she wouldn't gain anything from it. Peridot trained her metal-manipulation to become more powerful over time, so we know that more "magical" Gem powers like Lapis' hydrokinesis can also be trained. I suspect that Gems can grow by training, but just like humans they have a _base-level_ as well as _upper limits_ determined by their natural talent, which is why Amethyst will never be able to beat Jasper in a fight even if Jasper slacks off while Amethyst trains for a whole century. That would also explain how Pearl, who wasn't made to be a soldier-type, was able to grow powerful enough to poof droves of Quartz soldiers during the Rebellion.
> 
> For those who aren't aware: **Bismuth was indeed the one who poofed Lapis during the war** , that's been confirmed by Rebecca. Rebecca also confirmed that Lapis is unaware of that fact (most likely because it happened so quickly and she didn't get a good look at her attacker). Bismuth of course wouldn't remember the event at all, since she was fighting in a hellish war and didn't have the luxury of being able to take the time to get a good look at or think about the Gems she attacked; all she knew was that she saw a Gem from Homeworld, poofed that Gem with hardly a thought, and moved on. Obviously it's for the best that both Lapis and Bismuth are unaware of how Bismuth was the one who poofed her.


	7. Her Diamond

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jasper has a very important, very long conversation with Steven; obviously Lapis is also involved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Long notes but they're QUITE IMPORTANT this time** : This chapter will be VERY long, longer than Chapter Four at over 17,000 words not including the notes, and unlike Chapter 4 it's mostly all in one big piece! There's nothing that can be done about that, and there's no way to break it into multiple chapters. The issue is that Jasper has a lot of ground to cover with Steven, just like she did with Lapis, before they can reach a mutual understanding and become friends. But unlike her talk with Lapis, since Jasper is better now her conversation with Steven won't be interrupted and broken into two pieces a couple days apart since she won't be storming off in anger during the middle of it, so there's no way to break this conversation into two parts or chapters.
> 
> There's also the fact that Lapis is there facilitating the conversation with her phone, and as Steven and Jasper's mutual friend it's not like she'll stay completely silent the whole time, and the two of them will sometimes speak to her instead of just to each other. It's not like they'll completely ignore Lapis' presence, that would be weird and rude, haha. Also, there's a part after Steven hangs up from Steven's POV showing his thoughts on the conversation and his reaction to it; that part isn't long enough to stand on its own as another chapter.
> 
> I'm so glad to actually get to write some dialogue for Steven! This will not be the only chapter in which Steven has a prominent role, and there will be at least one more chapter after this one featuring an extended conversation between him and Jasper. Just to warn you, dear readers, prepare yourselves for a whole lot of angst! Steven is doing much better than he was a few months earlier, but it's not like his extremely severe case of C-PTSD has just magically gone away, and some of the topics he and Jasper need to cover are ones that will obviously be triggering for him.
> 
>  ** _IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER_** : I know VERY WELL that it isn't proper in the field of psychology for anyone besides a mental health professional to actually diagnose someone with a condition. But in this case I'm having characters go ahead and do so anyway. Gems like Lapis or Jasper obviously haven't (and won't) see a psychologist or psychiatrist, but it's **obvious** that they could be diagnosed with certain psychiatric conditions.

"Oh, hey Lapis," Steven says, and then continues in a slightly teasing and quite sarcastic tone, "I guess you already miss me _sooo_ much after just a couple days that a _normal_ call wasn't enough and you _had_ to _see_ my face, huh? I'm truly _touched_ , Lapis."

Lapis giggles and says: "Well Steven, I _do_ always enjoy seeing you, but there's actually an important reason why I'm video-calling you. Would you be okay with having a long conversation right now, and are you somewhere that's private? There's actually someone else here who wants to speak with you, and it's about something _very_ serious and important."

Since Connie filled him in on the hilaradorkable situation, Steven thinks, _"ohhh, I get it, she must be with Jasper. Awwwww, so cute!"_ His thoughts then turn serious as he thinks: _"if Jasper is a better person now and wants to have a serious conversation with me, then that might be... difficult... depending on what she wants to talk about. Who am I kidding, it'll definitely be difficult."_ He steels his mind in preparation for the coming conversation, preparing himself to possibly have to use some of the calming techniques his therapist has taught him in order to avoid going Pink. He sits down in the armchair in his room at the B&B and props his phone up against the vase on the table, because he knows that if he _does_ turn Pink, he won't want to be holding his phone in his hand.

Steven doesn't let his reluctance show on his face and says, "yeah Lapis, that's fine, I'm not busy and I'm at the B&B right now. I normally like to have me time or talk to Connie this late, but if it's something _important_ then I'm fine with talking for a while." He plays dumb and says, "sooo, who's there who wants to talk to me?"

Lapis says, "well, I'll let her introduce herself," and Jasper takes this as her cue to walk over. Lapis holds the phone low and tilts it upward at an angle so that both she and the much taller Jasper appear in the camera frame, and once Jasper stands next to Lapis, she can see Steven's face on the screen and a small inset showing the view of herself and Lapis. She briefly thinks that human technology is more advanced than she realized (although to be fair, their video-calls are limited to planetary rather than intergalactic range), but she gets right down to business.

Or at least she _tries_ to get right down to business, but instead all she manages to do is nervously stammer out the words "uhhh, h... hello, My D... Steven. Like Lapis said there are some very... important things I need to talk about with you." Steven pretends not to notice her slip of the tongue and replies, "oh, hey Jasper, it's nice to see you! What's up?" Noticing the awkward angle at which Lapis is forced to hold the phone, Jasper tells Steven, "uh sorry, wait a moment" and turns toward Lapis and says, "maybe I should sit while you stand, Lapis?"

Lapis nods in agreement, and Jasper sits down in a chair while Lapis stands over her shoulder so their faces are about level. Lapis uses a water-arm to hold her waterproof phone a distance in front of Jasper so that both of their torsos and faces are visible to Steven.

Steven waits patiently while the two situate themselves, and it isn't lost on him how they're being considerate toward each other. Once they're set up, Steven says with a subtly sly look on his face, "sooo Jasper, _you're_ the person who needs to talk to me, huh?" Lapis can tell that he isn't the least bit surprised and was _expecting_ Jasper, and she narrows her eyes slightly with suspicion.

Steven continues, "hmmm, iiinteresting, _veeery_ interesting. Tell me, since when did _you two_ ever hang out together? You _enjoying_ each other's _company_ all _alone_ there?" Just like Connie earlier, no matter how much Steven _knows_ he shouldn't tease Lapis, he just can't _help_ himself. His sense of humor is similar to Connie's, and the fact is that he's _trying to lighten his own mood_ before the inevitably triggering conversation to come.

Lapis thinks, _"ugggh, Connie must've told him about how I've been helping Jasper, and more importantly she told him what Jasper said when we left and the two of them are taking it COMPLETELY out of context. At least Jasper doesn't have a clue about it."_ She shoots Steven a brief glare that clearly says _"quit it,"_ and he gets the message but can't resist grinning and _winking_ at her in response. Jasper is confused by the strange way in which Steven emphasizes his words and by the seemingly bizarre nature of his and Lapis' nonverbal communication; but based on Steven's grin she figures it must be some kind of "humor" which is something she still doesn't comprehend, so she chooses to ignore it for now in favor of more pressing concerns.

Still nervous, Jasper says to Steven with a slightly hesitant but resolute look on her face: "Uh, yeah, I've been spending time with Lapis, we're friends now. It's... nice to see you too, Steven. The things I need to talk about with you... they're _very_ serious, and some of them are about... our past history. Is that... okay? I know you've been having a hard time with your... trauma, and if having a talk about our past is too difficult for you, it can wait." Steven is surprised that Jasper, of all people, is trying her best (and succeeding) to be respectful of his boundaries and feelings while showing patience, but given what Connie told him about Jasper's progress he isn't _that_ surprised. He finds himself deeply moved by her consideration, the first _real_ consideration she's ever shown toward him, and he has to suppress the urge to cry tears of joy.

With his eyes glistening, Steven replies, "thanks for being so considerate Jasper, I appreciate it. And it's all good, I'm totally up for a super-deadly-serious conversation with you! What's up?" He knows that he may have _lied_ about feeling up to this conversation, but he's well aware that there are things that he and Jasper _have_ to talk about; Steven knows he can't just avoid his triggers forever, and that sometimes he has to face them no matter how difficult that may be.

He's actually discussed this _exact_ hypothetical scenario with his therapist, and they agreed that if Jasper ever comes around and wants to have a talk about their issues, it's something he can't run away from, _as much for his own sake_ as for Jasper's. Steven thinks, _"Jasper mentioned 'our past history,' so yeah, this is gonna be triggering. Come on Steven, be strong, remember the techniques Dr. Jackson taught you and DON'T GO PINK."_

He doesn't let his inner turmoil show on his face, or at least he _thinks_ he doesn't; Lapis, who's all too familiar with trauma herself, can see the hesitation and turmoil in his eyes no matter how well he hides it. She feels deeply for him, but she maintains a neutral expression because just like Steven, she knows there are things a person can't just run away from. Steven needs to have this conversation with Jasper just as much as Lapis needed to become comfortable around the ocean again after Malachite. Because just as the ocean would always be a part of Lapis' life, Jasper is now forever a part of Steven's life.

Jasper is oblivious to all of this as she says: "Steven, I owe you an _apology_. I'm learning to be _better_ , to be truly _strong_ in the _real_ way, and part of that means that I need to acknowledge how I hurt and mistreated you from the very moment we first met. Lapis taught me that one form of strength is acceptance, and I realize now that I _wronged_ you by refusing to accept the nature of your existence as a hybrid and believing you to be your mother, even holding what I believed she did against you. Once I learned your mother was actually Pink Diamond, I _continued_ to hurt you by refusing to accept you and insisting that you were unworthy of her gemstone."

She sighs before continuing: "After that, I hurt you even _more_ by encouraging you to be _weak_ like I was. I feel nothing but shame and regret now when I think about the terrible lessons I taught you while calling them training. I taught you to give in to rage and aggression, to give in to the desire to dominate others and bend them to your will with raw power. And I _paid the price_ for instilling my own weaknesses in you. My current form _still_ bears the marks of the price that I paid for wronging you during those three days."

Talking about these things is difficult for her, and she takes another breath before continuing: "I don't blame you _at all_ for what you did on the third day. You don't need to _ever_ ask for _my_ forgiveness, as what happened was _my own fault_ for pushing you over the edge when you were in an unstable, traumatized state. And maybe the worst part is that _after_ what you did to me, rather than learning my lesson I _continued_ to hurt you, only this time by acting as a _subordinate_ when I should've tried to be your _friend_. Now that I finally understand what friendship is, I realize that all you ever wanted from me was friendship, for us to form a _connection_. I'm friends with Lapis now, and thanks to her I finally understand so many important things, including what true strength and friendship are. I'm sorry for trying to be your lackey instead of your friend, Steven."

As she speaks, Steven thinks, _"oh great well **there** it is, just like I expected from Jasper she's really blunt and got **straight** to the point with everything, including what happened on **that** day. Deep down I **knew** she would bring up what I did to her."_ By the time she's finished he finds himself thinking, _"she's right, I can see the marks of her shattering right there on her current form! She thinks I don't owe her an **apology**?! She thinks it was **all** her own fault? No, that's **wrong** , I was weak too, it wasn't just her, I did something horrific to her! AGH, no, **calm down** Steven, you have to, you **have** to calm down, **CALM DOWN**!"_

Jasper notices Steven scrunching up his face with a pained look as if he's in agony, a few tears in the corners of his eyes. _"Oh no,"_ she thinks, _"I shouldn't have said everything so quickly."_

Suddenly it _happens:_ Steven turns _Pink_. A look of fear crosses Jasper's face and she noticeably flinches away from Lapis' phone. Seeing Jasper's fearful reaction to his Pink State, Steven's eyes widen and nearly bug out as he thinks, _"oh no, no no no, she's **afraid** of my Pink State, of **course** she is after what I did to her with it, calm down Steven, you **HAVE** to calm down!"_

Lapis winces and a few tears gather in her own eyes out of sympathy for her friends, but she knows this is between the two of them right now; if things escalate any _further_ and get _out of control_ then she'll provide her input in an attempt to act as a mediator, but for now she needs to let them _try_ to handle this themselves. She has _faith_ in her friends that they can handle this, that they're _strong_ enough to move past this difficult moment.

In a matter of moments Jasper recovers from her state of fear and watches Steven on the screen as he glows Pink. Her face is etched with deep concern for him, and he can see how worried she is about him. Steven is lucky he had the foresight to prop his phone up on the table, as he's clenching his fists so hard that the phone would've been completely annihilated if he'd been holding it.

Hoping that Jasper has learned enough about patience to give him the time he needs, he shuts his eyes and thinks, _"okay Steven, okay, remember what Dr. Jackson taught you, the first step is 4-7-8 abdominal breathing."_ He breathes in through his nose (four seconds), holds his breath (seven seconds), and exhales through his mouth (eight seconds) while expanding and contracting his abdomen to engage his diaphragm, and repeats the process several times while clenching and unclenching his fists in time with his breaths.

He thinks of the good things in his life, of his wonderfully supportive friends and family, of how much he loves his girlfriend Connie, and thinks, _"okay Steven, chill out, relax, this is a **good** thing. Jasper is a better person, we're finally talking about the stuff we need to. This is great, this is **healthy** , we can put the past **behind** us and move on."_ He takes one final deep breath and the Pink glow subsides.

Steven opens his eyes and sees on his phone's screen that Jasper has a look of relief upon her face while Lapis smiles at him from over Jasper's shoulder. He scratches behind his ear and averts his eyes as he awkwardly chuckles, blushing out of embarrassment and saying, "heh, uh... sorry about that." He takes another deep breath and fully relaxes, turning his eyes back to the phone and saying, "it's okay Jasper, don't worry about it. I've learned to mostly control it, but I still _sometimes_ enter my Pink State without meaning to when I get stressed."

Steven sees that she looks a bit guilty and briefly waves his hands in front of himself before saying: "Really Jasper, I said don't worry, and you definitely shouldn't feel bad about it! I told you I'm okay with having a serious conversation about our past. This is stuff we _need_ to talk about, it's tough for me but that isn't really _your_ fault. You did nothing wrong by bringing all that stuff up, okay? Just, give me a moment to think about how to reply, alright?" Jasper's expression relaxes and she silently nods at him.

Steven's countenance takes on a very pensive expression and he rests his right elbow on the arm of the chair and his chin in his hand while thinking. After several seconds he sits up straight again and replies to Jasper: "Okay so first of all Jasper, I _totally_ forgive you, for _everything_. I _already_ forgave you a long time ago. That part isn't what I had to think about just now, if all you'd said was 'sorry for everything' then I would've instantly said I forgive you. Not _only_ do I forgive you, but I'm really, really happy to see how you've made such huge breakthroughs and become a better person." Jasper looks relieved, but not surprised, that Steven forgives her for everything, and she also looks quite proud that he praised her for her progress.

Steven takes another deep, calming breath before he continues: "The part I had to think about is the stuff you said about the time when you trained me and in the end, I... I shattered you. Jasper, you're _wrong_ that I don't owe you an apology. We _both_ made mistakes during those three days, including at the end. I had serious mental issues at the time, issues that I'm _still_ struggling with, and it seems like you've finally accepted that you have issues too. Our issues are an _explanation_ for why we both messed up so much, but an _explanation_ isn't the same thing as an _excuse_. You're also wrong if you think that my issues are somehow 'worse' than yours and if you think that means I was somehow... blameless. My therapist Dr. Jackson says that it's pointless to try to compare trauma or issues between people, because everybody's different."

Steven seems to be finished for now, and after a few seconds' thought Jasper replies: "Yes, I suppose I can agree that an explanation is not the same as an excuse. And yes, I've accepted that I have serious issues I need to work on. Lapis here is a great friend and has been helping me a lot with my issues." Steven notices how Lapis momentarily blushes when Jasper says this, and Jasper continues: "But I don't understand what you mean that it's pointless to compare issues. Your issues are _clearly_ worse than mine, they made you turn into a giant monster. And why would you mention trauma when I'm not traumatized like you and Lapis are?"

Steven winces and lets in a sharp intake of breath before slowly letting it out. Jasper looks a bit confused as Steven shifts his eyes to Lapis on the screen and asks her, "Lapis, is it okay if I give Jasper a _full_ answer with _examples_ so she can understand? I uh... I know some of it might be a touchy subject for you." Lapis, who knows exactly what he plans to tell Jasper about, sighs and replies: "Don't worry Steven, it's okay, one of the parts having to do with me is something Jasper and I have already talked about a bit. The other stuff about me, I'm... okay with you sharing, I'm okay with Jasper knowing _anything_ about me." Steven nods, and turns his eyes back to Jasper, who now looks thoroughly confused.

Steven says to her: "Jasper, what I need to tell you to answer your question in a way you can understand is gonna be _really long_ because I need to explain some stuff from psychology to you. And to do that I'm gonna have to pretty much completely explain my _own_ issues and Lapis' issues. Is that okay?" Jasper actually looks very excited when he says this and eagerly replies, "Yes, _please_ , I want to understand you My D... Steven. And I want to understand Lapis as well as I can, too! Go into as much detail as you like."

Steven figured she would say something like that, and he continues: "First of all, just because Lapis and I have really bad trauma doesn't mean that other people's issues aren't as important as ours. That's not how mental health stuff works, Jasper. Like I said, everybody's different, it's not right to compare people's issues and try to say whose are worse. My issues may have turned me into a giant monster, but that's just because of how my Pink State powers work, and other people with issues like mine might transform too if they had my powers."

"While Gems don't have brains like humans, the way our species think is close enough to pretty much put the same labels on things. The mental illness that Lapis and I have is called C-PTSD, which stands for 'complex post-traumatic stress disorder,' which is kind of a 'higher level,' my therapist says, of PTSD. PTSD is when somebody has trauma that sticks with them from one or a few really bad experiences, they can have flashbacks to their traumas or can get really freaked out when something 'triggers' them. A trigger can be pretty much anything that reminds a person of the stuff that traumatized them. They also can have big issues with denying and avoiding stuff that reminds them of their traumas. There's other issues they can have too, trauma can do a lot of bad stuff to people. You following so far?"

Jasper nods her head as she listens raptly, so Steven says: "C-PTSD is basically an 'extended' version of PTSD a person gets from a whole _lot_ of traumas over a _long_ time. We can have the same issues as people with PTSD, but our symptoms can be even _worse_ because C-PTSD can make people have a much harder time, uh, functioning in everyday life. Our minds get so _used_ to constantly being afraid and panicking that we can get all panicky even when _minor_ , everyday stuff goes wrong."

"That's why I used to turn Pink when I got too stressed out by _anything_ at _all_. I spent so long fighting and afraid that I was gonna get killed when I was just a kid that when I got older it was like... I still always _felt_ like I was _about to die_ even though the world was at peace, and even normal _human_ problems felt as bad as when the Cluster was gonna blow up the Earth or when White Diamond ripped out my gemstone. For example, at the time I had this idea about me and Connie that was _really stupid_ on my part, but it was really important to me, and she shut down my idea as kindly and gently as she could. By the next day after that, I started turning Pink and swelling up all over my body while destroying stuff all around me by accident, it was totally bonkers."

"The reason why I turn Pink when I have a C-PTSD freakout is because my brain is being all silly and thinks I need to _protect_ myself from getting _killed_ like back when I always had to fight a couple years ago, so my Gem makes my body get as strong as it can to defend itself and my Diamond-powers come out. These days I'm doing better, I'm still afraid a lot but it's not as bad as before and I only turn Pink without meaning to when something triggers my memories of trauma; the issue is that I had a _lot_ of traumas, so there's plenty of things that can trigger me."

"PTSD is really common and C-PTSD is pretty common among war veterans because of all the pressure they're under and how they constantly have to fight for their lives, and in some cases have to kill other people. It can leave former soldiers feeling the way I said, like they're always about to die, or like they always might have to kill; I'm glad it's only the first one for me since I never had to kill anybody. Anyway, it's often even worse for _child_ soldiers like me, human _kids_ who fought in wars, because we spent our childhoods, when our minds are supposed to grow and develop in a peaceful place, fighting in wars. Like I said, it's gotten much _better_ but I do still feel afraid a lot of the time."

Lapis knows what's coming, and Steven briefly looks at Lapis the screen and asks her, "Lapis, are you _sure?_ " She nods at him, so he continues: "Lapis struggles with the same kinda stuff too, but like me she's gotten a lot better. With her, she's always afraid of, uh... being taken prisoner and locked up. You already know why, Jasper. She _used_ to have full-on freakouts about being imprisoned whenever she felt she couldn't trust somebody, but these days she's kinda like me: She's still afraid a lot of the time, but manages it well enough that she only freaks out when something actually triggers her trauma like if somebody chains her up."

Jasper gasps upon hearing that Lapis is so often afraid, and her eyes glisten with churning emotions when Steven tells her about Lapis' issues. When Steven pauses, Jasper turns her face towards Lapis and says, "Lapis, you're... _afraid_ much of the time?" Lapis sighs and nods, replying: "Yes Jasper, I may be powerful but my body is fragile, so I'm almost always afraid that somebody will catch me unawares, poof me, and imprison my gem before I can regenerate. My paranoia is why I'm one of the few Gems in Little Homeworld with a lock on my door, and it's why I had Bismuth build my house to be so durable. Just for fun I like to sometimes sleep like humans do, but I can have a hard time with it since I'm really afraid somebody will break in and poof me in my sleep."

Jasper seems to consider this for a few moments and then says: "I need to let Steven continue his explanation, but Lapis, I want to tell you that if you find me and let me know when you want to sleep, _I'll stand guard_ if you think that'll help you. You know I can protect you _far_ better than these _flimsy_ walls can. You've taught me that fighting to protect people I care about is a form of strength, and as a warrior I would be happy to protect you while you're vulnerable. You're my friend, so I want you to feel safe."

Steven thinks to himself, _"wow, she really has made some huge breakthroughs, that's such an incredibly kind thing for her to offer."_ He's deeply moved and tears up a little, wiping his eyes with his forearm as he watches to see what Lapis will say.

Lapis' lips tremble as she clasps her hands in front of her chest; she's so surprised and touched by Jasper's kind offer that words fail her for a few seconds. She's suddenly reminded of her earlier thoughts about how Jasper's imposing physical presence makes her feel safe. She thinks, _"if she actually HELD me in my sleep that'd be even bette... wait, NO, that's ridiculous, STOP IT Lapis."_ She immediately suppresses the deep blush that began to color her cheeks, and replies: "Jasper, I, you... that's... that's so kind of you. I think... I'd actually like it if you did that, if you _really_ wouldn't mind. Sometimes I want to sleep but don't because I'm feeling paranoid, or I _do_ sleep but have terrible nightmares that wake me up. Knowing you're here standing guard would help _so_ much, it'd definitely help me fall asleep and maybe help with the nighmares too, I'd _finally_ feel safe."

Jasper has no idea what a "nightmare" is but ignores that for now. She swells with pride to _finally_ be _needed_ again as a _warrior_ by someone powerful, but this time for the _right_ reasons, for a _friend_. She smiles her crooked, cocky grin and gruffly says: "Well _it's settled_ then, let me know when you want to sleep and I'll stand guard. With me as your friend, you can feel safe in your home, or at least I _hope_ you can feel safe even though you have, uh... C-PTSD. I _swear_ to you that in the unlikely scenario that anyone ever attacks, I'll protect you Lapis." Lapis gapes at Jasper for a moment and deeply blushes again before once again suppressing her wayward thoughts and replying, "o...oh my gosh, _thank you_ Jasper, thank you _so_ much. You really are a great friend!"

Lapis then shoots Jasper _that_ smile, the one that Jasper always wants to see. _"So pretty,"_ Jasper thinks, and it's her turn to blush and stammer in reply, "d-don't m-mention it, Lapis. It's, uhh... it's the least I can do after how much you've helped me these last couple days." Lapis, for her part, figures that Jasper's reaction is simply due to embarrassment, and it's not like Jasper herself knows any better.

Steven watches the entire exchange very patiently; in fact he's completely captivated by the scene and his eyes have stars in them. This conversation may be a serious and even triggering one, but Steven is still _Steven_ and he will _never_ _stop_ being a sucker for romance and cute stuff. _"Oh my GOSH Connie was RIGHT,"_ he thinks, _"Lapis is in denial and Jasper is totally oblivious! They really are absolutely HILARADORKABLE!"_

Remembering they have an audience, Lapis and Jasper return their gazes to the phone (which Lapis is still holding aloft with a water-arm) and see Steven sitting patiently. As soon as they started to turn back to him, Steven forced his face back into a serious expression, but Lapis can see what appears to be excitement in his eyes. She remembers how Connie must have misinterpreted (or so Lapis thinks) things when she told him about the situation, so for a split-second she gives him a glare that says, _"I DARE you to read anything into this."_ Steven thinks, _"oh yes, sooo hilaradorkable indeed."_

Jasper, oblivious to the nonverbal interaction between the other two, breaks the tension by saying: "Sorry for the interruption, Steven. I was just worried about Lapis after what you told me about her. Please continue with your explanation of C-PTSD and why you think it's relevant to _both_ of our issues and to what happened between us."

Steven fully deactivates "Shipper Steven Mode" and reactivates "Serious Steven Mode" as he takes a deep breath before replying: "Okay Jasper, so the reason I turned Pink a few minutes ago was because I got triggered. Like I said, _it's not your fault_ , our past history and the terrible thing I did to you is stuff we _need_ to talk about. But while I have a _lot_ of traumas, one of my _worst_ traumas is the guilt from when I lost control and shattered you, and how when I went to Homeworld after that I _almost_... uh... I almost went and shattered White Diamond because I wanted revenge and lost control again."

Jasper doesn't let on that Lapis already told her about that, and Steven continues: "So when you cut right to the chase and brought that up, it kinda sent me into freakout mode, in this case because of self-loathing more than anything else."

"People with C-PTSD can have all kinds of other issues too, but not all people show all the symptoms. Some of us have a lot of trouble with controlling our emotions and can have big mood swings real easily, which I struggled with a few months ago. It can also mess up the way we see ourselves and other people, as well as how we think about our relationships. Because of her trauma from the mirror, Lapis had a whole lot of trouble for a while with being able to trust people. She also has issues with taking out her, uh... her anger on people when something pushes her over the edge... and after what happened with you as Malachite, she had a lot of trouble with being able to see herself as a good person, even though she is one. Again Lapis, I hope you don't mind me talking about this stuff. Is it okay if I say the other thing?"

Lapis replies with a sad smile, "it's okay Steven, everything you're saying is true." She puts her hand on Jasper's shoulder as she continues, "and since I hurt Jasper so much, she of all people deserves to know about these things." Jasper turns her face to her and says, "thank you Lapis." She then turns back to the phone and says, "continue."

Steven nods and says: "Okay Jasper so, the stuff with Malachite traumatized Lapis further both when it comes to the whole imprisonment thing, as well as a new kind of trauma where she felt tons of guilt and self-loathing over the stuff she did to you. It was so bad that even though water is part of who she is, she actually didn't like being around water for a while after Malachite. That time we were on the boat... I was trying to get her to like being around the ocean again... and then well, _you_ showed up, Jasper. Luckily Lapis was a really strong person that time by turning down your offer to fuse again, and got over her issues with water and the ocean after she sent you flying. I'm, uh... I'm guessing you understand now why what you did when you showed up on the boat was, uh... not healthy... right Jasper?"

Jasper sighs and replies, "yes My D... Steven, I'm fully aware of how I showed nothing but weakness at that time. Not only was I only trying to fuse with Lapis again to cover up my own _insecurities_ , but I even _blamed_ it on you and threatened to kill you when she did the right thing by rejecting me. Steven, I'm sorry about that." Jasper briefly looks at Lapis again and says, "Lapis, I guess I never did apologize to you for that time on the boat, even if we did talk about it. I'm sorry I tried to tempt you to be weak with me, I realize now how wrong that was."

Lapis smiles softly at Jasper and says, "don't worry Jasper, it's okay, I completely forgive you. We've all made mistakes."

Jasper returns her gaze to Steven on the phone, and he says: "yeah Jasper, like I said before I already forgave you for everything a while ago. You tried to kill me plenty of times, but I mean to be fair, _most_ of my _other_ Gem friends _also_ tried to kill me before and while a lot of my trauma is from that, I forgive all of you guys. Peridot tried to kill me a while back when she was still a threat, the time when Bismuth tried to kill me when I first got to know her was _really_ bad, and I'm even pretty good friends with Spinel now and forgave her after she did some stuff _waaay_ worse than _anything_ that _you_ did, Jasper."

He takes another breath before continuing: "I'm still not quite there yet, but I'm _working on_ getting to the point where I can forgive Blue and Yellow Diamond, and maybe someday even forgive White Diamond for what she did to me. I'm not yet in a place where I can, but I think I'd _like_ to forgive them someday, given more time; they're my family, after all. Speaking of family, Pearl once almost _accidentally_ killed me and herself with a spaceship she made that blew up, and she, Garnet, and Amethyst almost accidentally killed me _again_ when they didn't know I was the person in a Gem-pod-thingy. It's kinda funny actually, _pretty much every Gem who's my friend or family has tried to kill me_ , but we're mostly all cool now!"

Lapis of all people understands very well how dark humor can help Steven make light of his traumas and have an easier time talking about them, so she joins in by saying: "Heh, yeah, I tried to drown Steven and Connie one time and broke his dad's leg, but we're cool now. Oh and I also dropped literally the entire ocean on his family and friends and dropped Steven from the upper atmosphere, but to be fair, back then I didn't _realize_ that could've killed him." She and Steven both laugh a bit at that.

Even if she understood humor, Jasper wouldn't be laughing right now. Her jaw is hanging open, and when she recovers from her shock she replies: "Steven, you said... _'other'_ Gem friends. Do you... do you consider me your friend now? Already? This easily? I definitely want to be your friend. Is this like when Lapis told me we were already friends even though I didn't realize it?"

Lapis can't help it and chuckles a bit (snorting as she often does when she laughs); Jasper looks very confused that Lapis is laughing, and Steven can see that so he replies to Jasper by clarifying why: "Jasper, Lapis is laughing because the answer to your question is _obvious_ since everybody knows I'm 'the friendship guy.' Wanting to be friends with everybody is kinda _my thing_ , ya know? _Of course we're friends_ , Jasper! I've _always wanted_ to be your friend, so we were friends the moment you said that you understand friendship now and that you understand now that I always wanted you to try to connect with me."

Jasper no longer looks surprised and says: "Oh, _of course_ , based on what Lapis told me about friendship, it makes sense that we're friends now since we've been opening up to each other and being supportive. I'm glad to have two friends now! And about forming a connection, I still want to understand more about you, Steven. You were talking about how C-PTSD can make people have issues with how they see themselves, others, and their relationships. You explained to me how that worked for Lapis, and I appreciate having a deeper understanding of her now. But what about _you_ , did you have similar issues with how you perceived yourself and other people?"

Steven sighs and answers: "Yeah Jasper, in my case I had and _still_ have a _lot_ of issues with how I saw people, myself, and my relationships. I spent so long as a kid always _helping_ other people or _saving the day_ , that I didn't really know _how_ to live life without having people to help or problems to solve, and I kinda _still_ sometimes feel uncomfortable with not having things to fix. No offense Lapis, but with pretty much _everybody_ I either always had to help them or always had to fix something with them. It at least wasn't like that with my dad and Connie. Connie and I saved the world together, but there was always something _special_ between us where it never felt to me like our connection _depended_ on us having things to fix together. But with _Gems_ it was like... it always fell on _me_ , a _kid_ , to help and fix a buncha people who are thousands of years old; again, no offense Lapis."

Lapis sighs and replies: "No offense taken Steven, it definitely wasn't fair to you that pretty much all the Gems you met were a total mess and ended up relying on a half-human kid to help them figure their lives out."

Steven nods at her and continues: "All that stuff on top of having to _save the whole world and universe_ while also being expected to _live up to my mom's legacy_ was _way_ too much responsibility for a thirteen to fourteen year old kid and it _added_ to the trauma of how I had to fight and be afraid all the time. So I don't really know how to _exist_ without being _needed_ by people or having to save the world, and it's hard for me to figure out how to be friends with people if they don't need my help or there isn't something to fix with them. The _reason_ my trauma suddenly started to show up and make me turn Pink after two years was because _there was nothing left to fix:_ The world and universe didn't need saving anymore, and everyone around me got their lives together and didn't need my help anymore."

Steven sighs before continuing: "Once nobody needed my help anymore, all of a sudden I was finally able to think about _myself_ for once, and that's when my _own_ problems and the fact that I was _broken_ came to the surface. I went _crazy_ trying to find a _purpose_ in life; I'm actually _still_ trying to figure out my path, but by now I'm not putting pressure on myself and driving myself insane with it. The reason I'm traveling now is to finally get in touch with my _human_ side so I can figure out what I wanna do in life, whether that turns out to be a human thing or a Gem thing. The only things I really know _for sure_ about my future are that I wanna keep being friends with everybody and I wanna be with Connie, but other than that I need to find something to _do_ and be _productive_ with, you know?"

"Anyway, so about what happened a few months ago: My trauma made it so I couldn't control my emotions in response to stuff nearly as well as most people can. Stuff like my anger and aggression went totally haywire and I did some _really_ bad stuff, like you said with _encouragement_ from you at first but then with no encouragement _at all_ when I went psycho and almost shattered White. White was actually trying her very hardest to _help_ me at the time, and even though the way she traumatized me a couple years ago is an _explanation_ for it, I don't really have an _excuse_ , because what I tried to do to her was _all on me_ , I took advantage of her new power and used it to almost make her kill herself. I suppose that _any_ Gem she lets control her could do that; it shows how much she's grown and changed that she's willing to take that risk so she can help people."

"After what happened with the Diamonds, I went into complete denial for a few hours and tried to help people in Little Homeworld, but only ended up causing more damage with the powers of my Pink State. At that point Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl, my dad, and Connie got so worried they confronted me about how I was worrying them. I started to completely lose my grip and I told them I would just keep messing up and fixing things forever just like how I messed _you_ up before fixing you. Then I said that I was an evil, destructive monster... and I became one."

"Jasper, my powers as a Diamond-human hybrid make it so that my _physical form_ is really just a result of _shape-shifting_ based on how I see myself. My shape-shifting is way more advanced in my Pink State, so in that form basically any changes _at all_ in how I see myself make my shape change to match. Because the way I saw myself became so messed up from all my issues, when I _decided_ I was a monster I _literally became one_ because of my powers, and it even changed my _brain_ so that I was all stupid and like a beast."

"I _wasn't corrupted_ , Jasper; what brought me back wasn't Diamond Auras, it was love and support from all my friends and family, and Connie was the final push because she's _so_ special to me. Since she's there, I'll also add that none of that would've been possible though without Lapis' and the Cluster's power, both of them were _really_ helpful by holding me down long enough to keep me from killing anybody; thanks again by the way, Lapis, I'll _always_ owe you _bigtime_ for that."

Lapis smiles and engages in a bit of dark humor again: "Of course Steven, I've told you before it was no problem. I mean, _that's just what friends do for each other_ , right? When somebody's friend turns into a giant rampaging monster, they hold them down with the weight of the ocean in order to keep them from slaughtering all their friends and family, that's just how things work, you know?"

Steven laughs at that and says: "Haha yeahhhh, our friendship is just kinda _weeeiiird_ like that, Lapis you're totally the _best_ and I love you." Lapis giggles and says, "I love you too Steven." Steven then speaks to Jasper again and says: "So Jasper, do you understand now what my trauma and issues are and what it was that happened with me a few months ago?"

Jasper replies: "Yes, I understand your entire story Steven. And as your friend I want to say that... I'm sorry you went through all that, and I know you forgive me but I'm sorry again that I was a big part of your trauma over the years. I've come to appreciate organic life, to even see the beauty in this world." At this, both Lapis and Steven look very pleasantly surprised; Lapis was unaware that Jasper has come to see the Earth as beautiful, although perhaps it _isn't_ that surprising given the story about the bird. And Steven is incredibly happy that Jasper has finally come around to seeing the Earth through unclouded eyes.

Jasper continues: "I understand now what a 'child' is, and while _no one_ should have to go through the kinds and amount of terrible things that you did, it's _especially_ horrible that you went through so much when still only a child. You've suffered so much, I feel great sympathy for you. Is there any way that I can help you like I'll be able to help Lapis feel safe when she sleeps? Before you go on to explain what all of this has to do with _my_ situation and _my_ issues, please tell me if there's _any_ way I can help you as your friend."

Steven wipes a few tears of joy from his eyes as Jasper's newfound capacity for kindness has once again deeply moved him, and he replies: "Oh Jasper, thank you. Lapis was right, you've learned to be a wonderful friend, it actually seems to come naturally to you. About helping me: Like I told you when I left, I don't need protecting, I may be afraid a lot but even when I sleep I'm not really vulnerable since my body is super-durable and I heal quickly from bad injuries. What you _can_ do to help, and it'll help _a lot_ , is to just, well... keep being my friend."

Jasper looks a bit surprised by this, and Steven explains: "One of the things that helps me the most with my issues is having love and support from the people I care about. Like I told you, it was love and support that brought me back from being a monster! I'm _really_ happy that you're a good person and my friend now, Jasper. If you keep being so kind, understanding, and supportive, then that'll help me more than you can possibly imagine. I have plans for most of my Gem friends to visit me sometimes when I'm in spots near Warp Pads while I'm traveling; we should make plans for a visit too, I'd love to hang out with you! I really wanna give you a hug since you seem like you'd actually be okay with hugs now!"

Jasper replies, "yes, of course, I am happy to be... supportive, Steven. Plans to visit you do sound nice; while this 'phone' is certainly a good way to communicate, seeing you in person sounds pleasant. And yes, while I am still not used to... hugs... I would accept one from you. So uh, with that out of the way, there's one thing I'm still wondering. How do you think all of what you told me applies to what you did to me and to my _own_ issues?"

Steven takes another calming breath before replying: "Well Jasper, first of all, like I said before I _do_ owe you an apology. Do I have severe trauma, and did you encourage me to give in to aggression and push me over the edge which made me to lose control of my emotions so I got violent and did something horrible to you? Yeah sure, you did. But again, those are _explanations_ , not _excuses_. I still _murdered_ you, Jasper. Gems are just _luckier_ than humans since it's possible to restore shattered Gems, so your death wasn't permanent; but regardless, what I did to you was _terrible_. And... I'm sorry. I'm truly, deeply sorry."

Jasper replies immediately: "I completely forgive you Steven. I understand now that as you said, I wasn't the _only_ one in the wrong, that even if there was a good explanation due to your issues that what you did to me was horrible and that you still bear some responsibility for it. But _I still don't blame you_ for what happened. It's _in the past_ , and we can _move on_ from it. So Steven, how does all of this relate to _my_ issues?"

Steven takes a sharp intake of breath again and looks at Lapis, who has a sad (and slightly guilty) look on her face, before he replies: "Well Jasper, the thing is that what happened between us _isn't_ necessarily all _in the past;_ I saw how afraid you got when I turned Pink, Jasper, and to be honest, it looked like someone being _triggered_. I don't know any other way to say this, Jasper: Aside from having issues with stuff like anger and arrogance which I can see you've done a good job moving past, I think that you, uh... you might be _traumatized_ too, Jasper. I think you _might_ have PTSD from when I shattered you, and you might've _already_ had PTSD or even C-PTSD before I ever even met you."

Jasper is momentarily overcome with the urge to get angry, to yell at Steven that there's no way she could be traumatized, that she's _fine_. Steven and Lapis wince as they see the rage briefly flicker across Jasper's face, but they let out relieved sighs when they see the signs of anger pass as quickly as they appeared. Jasper remembers what Lapis taught her: One form of strength is _restraint_. So she controls herself; rather than giving in to her knee-jerk impulses like she always used to do, she takes some time to consider Steven's words. Steven keeps his words brief and says, "take as much time as you need before letting me know your thoughts, Jasper. I'm not in a hurry."

Jasper spends over a full minute with a deeply pensive look upon her face; rather than continuing to look at Steven on the screen, she closes her eyes and thinks back upon the events of her life. She thinks back to the time when Steven shattered her a few months ago. She thinks about Steven's explanation of PTSD symptoms and realizes that he's _right:_ She was absolutely _terrified_ when he sent that spiked barrier at her, knowing in that moment that she was about to die while thinking there would be no coming back from it. And her mind, her gem, _still remembers the terror_ of that moment; that's probably why her form, projected from her gem, still bears the _scars_ of her shattering. It's true that even though he isn't physically present, seeing him turn Pink over the phone _triggered_ her, it stirred up her primal fear of pain and death and made her inadvertently flinch.

Thinking about those events, what seems like a _video_ suddenly plays unbidden within her mind, and a pained look crosses her face as she has a _flashback_ and relives the experience. Steven and Lapis know _exactly_ how to read her expression given how many times they've had flashbacks themselves, and they feel so much sympathy for Jasper that it takes everything they have not to break down in tears as they watch her struggle.

Jasper remembers the moment when her _delight_ at facing Steven's power began to transform into _panic_ when he pinned her down with a quartet of unbreakable barriers. She remembers the way her panic began to grow as he formed an immense barrier and said "you're right, Jasper" in a cold, _unfeeling_ voice. She recalls how her panic began to give way to actual _fear_ as the barrier grew spikes and she saw the look in his eyes. Yes, those _eyes_. She remembers the deranged look on his face and in those _terrible Diamond eyes_ as he said, "I _have_ been holding back." She stayed in denial of her fear for as long as she could. But as the barrier approached, her wall of denial broke down and she thought _"this is going to BREAK me_ _,"_ and her fear transitioned into full-blown _horror_ the moment before the barrier hit and she figured it was _the end_ for her.

Jasper sits in Lapis' chair with her eyes closed and her face scrunched up in agony as her body trembles, a few tears in the corners of her eyes, and as the final scene of the memory plays back in her mind's eye she flinches and it takes everything she has not to scream. Gems may not _need_ to breathe, but she sits in the chair _gasping_ for breath and clutching at her chest as she desperately claws at her roiling thoughts in an attempt to rein them in.

After nearly twenty seconds she manages to get herself under control well enough to consciously evaluate what just happened, and she thinks, _"so I'm guessing that must've been one of those 'flashbacks' he mentioned. This isn't even the first time I've had one... it's just the most intense one that I've had. I really am traumatized."_ She has immense respect for Steven's prowess as a warrior, _especially_ in his Pink State; but she's now finally acknowledged that deep down, there's a part of her that's outright _terrified_ of Steven's Diamond-powers.

As Jasper sits with her eyes closed Steven and Lapis look at each other through their phones, exchanging a glance that says _"I wish we weren't right about this"_ before continuing to watch Jasper with great sympathy. Jasper thinks of how her response to the trauma of being shattered was to swear her _loyalty_ to Steven; she realizes now that it was loyalty born just as much out of _fear_ as it was born out of _respect_.

Thoughts of loyalty cause her to think back to her mindset during earlier events in her life and how Steven suggested she may have been traumatized before her shattering, perhaps even before they met. She remembers being corrupted; it was a _horrible_ experience that warped the very fabric of her mind and her physical form as a result, and just like her shattering she still bears the scars from it to this day. With her iron will and a mighty effort she stops herself from having a flashback to her corruption, but it's obvious to her now that she was indeed traumatized by it. It wouldn't be the first time she's had a flashback to her corruption.

She remembers her time with Lapis as Malachite, the way that Lapis imprisoned her for months while torturing her in increasingly creative ways to subdue her immense willpower. Lapis really _did_ take out all of her own repressed feelings on Jasper, and Lapis was right to say that it _wasn't healthy_. Once again, Jasper has to exert extreme mental effort in order to avoid having a flashback. She's had flashbacks to her time as Malachite before, and while none of them have ever been as _intense_ as her flashback just now to her shattering, she knows that her flashbacks to her time as Lapis' prisoner can last for _hours_ due to how long Lapis tortured her for. She forces those memories to the back of her mind as she doesn't want to keep Steven up all night on the phone.

She thinks back further, _much_ further: Her whole life, she always thought she lived to serve and that fighting and loyalty were the only things that gave her any purpose. She knows now that such a mindset was _weakness_. But perhaps that entire mindset was shaped by _trauma_?

For the first time in her life, she realizes that maybe it was a _bad_ thing that she burst out of the ground in the Beta Kindergarten and _immediately_ began fighting in a war in which countless Gems were shattered, in which _she_ shattered Gems. She never had a _choice_ , she never got a _chance_ to experience or learn anything besides _blind servitude_ to authority and the _brutal violence_ of war. Steven said that war veterans often have PTSD or C-PTSD. Could that be her issue? Could being a soldier since the very moment she came into being have permanently screwed up her head? Could she have C-PTSD that like Steven said, warps her perception of herself, others, and her relationships?

She opens her eyes and looks at Steven on the screen, whose eyes are glistening with unshed tears and full of nothing but compassion and understanding. She briefly glances to the side at Lapis who shares Steven's compassionate gaze, and then looks back toward Steven on the screen before sighing and saying: "Steven, I think you're... you're probably right. I think I probably have the same thing that you and Lapis here have."

She sighs again before saying: "I think that like you Steven, I'm... traumatized... from being a _war veteran_ , because war and aggression were the _only things I ever knew_ from the moment of my creation. I think that maybe my trauma twisted the way I look at myself and the entire world, it made it so that I can't see myself as having any _value_ without having a _commander_ to submit to and a _battle_ to win. It made it so I could never control my emotions the way normal people can and gave in to rage and aggression far too easily. So I think that I do have... C-PTSD like you and Lapis, because I have a lot of the, uh... symptoms that you described. No wonder I've always had such issues and been so weak."

Steven and Lapis can't help it, they can't hold back anymore; tears are leaking from their eyes due to the immense sympathy that they feel for their friend. Jasper sees how they're crying for her, and she appreciates her friends' empathy while also darkly appreciating the irony that these are two of the people who traumatized her severely. She finds that she suddenly understands their dark humor from earlier when Lapis and Steven joked about how she tried to drown him once.

Jasper continues: "I think that maybe _besides_ how I spent my whole life fighting and serving others, my _biggest_ traumas were when I thought Pink Diamond was shattered, when... when Lapis imprisoned me as Malachite, when I was corrupted, and, uh... when you shattered me. You're right, I was 'triggered' earlier and became terrified when you turned Pink, and just a minute or two ago I had a, uh... a 'flashback' to when you shattered me. At least I _think_ I did. Are flashbacks like a _video_ playing in your head, where you feel like you aren't in the moment and you're kind of... reliving the memory? If so then I've had flashbacks before, just none were ever as... _intense_ as the one just now... I've had flashbacks in the past to my corruption and to being tortured by Lapis."

More tears stream down Steven's face as he replies: "Yes Jasper, flashbacks _are_ like a video, they're memories that pop up without your control and are usually more _vivid_ than normal memories. When people feel like they, uh, detach from what's currently going on with them, that's what psychologists call 'dissociating.' During a PTSD flashback, you dissociate and the memory of the trauma plays back in your head."

Steven sighs and continues, speaking in a choked voice through his tears: "I'm... Jasper, I'm _so sorry_ for what I did to you. I _knew_ the way you reacted by swearing loyalty to me wasn't healthy, I _knew_ you were afraid and traumatized, that you swore loyalty to me out of _fear_. It drives me _crazy_ with guilt to know that you're afraid of my Diamond-powers. I know you said you forgive me, but Jasper, I _hate_ knowing that _I'm_ the cause of s... somebody _else_ feeling the _same_ way _I_ do, of having trauma and flashbacks. Jasper, _I... I'll understand if you can't forgive me after all_ now that you realize just how much of an... _effect_ what I did to you had on you. I..."

Jasper cuts him off by slamming a fist down on the arm of Lapis' chair hard enough to make a loud thump but not hard enough to damage it: "STOP it dammit, stop that _right now_ Steven. I told you I forgive you, and that _hasn't changed_. The things that happened that day were because _both_ of us _already_ had trauma and issues. Like you said, our issues are an _explanation_ for the things we did, even if they aren't an _excuse_. I _understand_ the _explanation_ of why you lost your mind and shattered me. I pushed you over the edge so you felt like you had to fight at full power. I realize now what you said before, that you weren't blameless in what happened, but I still understand why you did what you did and I _forgive_ you for it."

Jasper glances at Lapis and seeing her looking guilty, she says: "And you too Lapis, we've _already_ been over how I forgive you for what you did to me. Like with what Steven did, an explanation isn't the same as an excuse but I _understand_ your explanation." She briefly reaches over and grabs Lapis' hand, giving it a squeeze as she says: "Lapis, you were just acting on your own trauma, you tried to make me feel like you did when you were in the mirror, just like how I was cruel to Amethyst and took out all my insecurities on her. You've been a great friend these last couple days, and I more than anyone can understand why you did what you did, so don't you _dare_ go feeling all _guilty_ again, you hear me? You _know_ that I can't _stand_ seeing you _frown_ with that self-loathing look on your face, I like to see you _smile_ instead!"

Lapis squeezes Jasper's hand as well and after using her free arm to wipe the tears from her eyes, hesitantly but genuinely smiles at her. Jasper releases her hand and says "good, that's my Lapis," returning her gaze to Steven and completely missing how Lapis blushes at her choice of words.

Steven needed the time during which Jasper spoke to Lapis in order to process what Jasper told him, and when Jasper turns back to look at him he wipes some tears from his eyes and says: "Jasper, you really... you really _forgive_ me for doing that to you? You forgive me even _now_ that you _understand_ just how _bad_ it was and even though you're having flashbacks to it? Jasper, th... _thank you!_ I... I just... I _really_ hope that me being part of your trauma doesn't mean we can't be good friends... I'm _really_ happy to be your friend now Jasper, I want to _always_ be your friend from now on. But I've _gotta_ warn you now that like you saw earlier, I still _sometimes_ turn Pink without meaning to. Is that... will you be able to _handle_ it? Can we still be friends?"

Jasper laughs, which surprises Steven but doesn't surprise Lapis as she understands exactly what Jasper finds amusing. Jasper may not really understand humor, but even she can see the irony in Steven's question, and getting her laughter under control she says: "I'm sorry for laughing Steven. It's just _ironic_. You said it earlier, most of your Gem friends are _people who tried to kill you and traumatized you_. You're able to handle being friends with them now that they're better people. You're able to handle being friends with _me_ now that _I'm_ better, and I was one of your most dangerous enemies. So _of course_ we can still be friends. You're an _incredibly_ good person and you're _very_ strong in the _real_ way Steven; it's fine that you have flaws. It may be _hard_ for me if I ever see you turn Pink again, but I'll manage to handle it just like how you manage to handle being around White Diamond."

Steven's jaw hangs slack, and after a moment he closes his mouth. After another moment of thought, it hits him, and then he starts laughing. Lapis can't help herself, first letting out a few of her trademark snorting chuckles and then loudly laughing. Before she knows it, Jasper is laughing again too. The three of them double over from their raucous laughter, and it's a testament to Lapis' control that she keeps holding her phone in a steady position with her powers. They're all well aware that their laughter has an _edge of hysteria_ to it, but that's _okay_ , because it's _alright_ to be _broken_ and to need to _heal_ , and this laughter is a cathartic way for them to relieve any remaining tension resulting from the very serious conversation that just took place. After almost a full minute, their laughter fades.

Steven and Jasper grin at each other through the screen with tears of amusement in the corners of their eyes, and after stifling a few last snorts Lapis speaks first: "Heh, well guys, I guess between me being friends with Peridot and with Jasper here, Steven being friends with everybody from Spinel and the Diamonds to me and Bismuth, and you two now being friends, it must be _'fashionable'_ to be friends with people who can trigger your PTSD! I guess that being friends with your triggers is what's _'in'_ these days, huh?"

Steven says, "heh, yup, being friends with their triggers must be what _cool_ people with trauma do these days, we're awesome like that," and chuckles a bit again; now that he himself is quite a bit darker and more angsty than he was at a younger age, Lapis is always able to get to him with her dark sense of humor. Jasper chuckles a bit too, as for once she's able to "get" the "joke." Lapis giggles with them, and after a few seconds all three of them quiet down and sport big smiles on their faces.

Jasper has so many thoughts running through her mind as she smiles: She's so happy to have such a good friend in Lapis and that Lapis is showing _that wonderful grin_ of hers again; she's so happy to be friends with Steven, to have a relationship with him as equals rather than as a one-sided desire to serve; and while it's upsetting to realize that she has "C-PTSD," she's happy to _finally_ understand herself and the _reasons_ behind her issues.

There's still one last thing that Jasper wants to talk about with Steven, but she's a bit reluctant to do so as she isn't sure how well he'll take it, and she's also worried that Lapis may find it shameful and judge her for it. But Jasper is trying to be strong now, and courage is strength, so she's not going to back down from voicing her convictions just because she fears judgement. She also knows that _acceptance_ is a form of strength that Lapis possesses a great deal of and that Steven possesses more of than perhaps _anyone_ else in the cosmos, so she knows that her fears are likely irrational and her friends will probably accept her decision if she explains it properly.

Lapis and Steven notice how the look on Jasper's face turns serious once more, and Jasper looks at the phone as she says to Steven: "Steven, thank you for explaining trauma to me, especially how it's common in war veterans like us. I feel like now that I... _recognize_ my trauma, I can finally begin to _truly_ heal and move on from it. I'm also glad to be able to understand you and Lapis much better. But there's one last thing I still want to talk to you about. Can you, uh... try to keep an open mind when I say what I'm about to and not jump to conclusions about what I mean? Just remember that you're my _friend_ now, and I _do_ understand that friendship is a _mutual_ relationship between _equals_."

Steven looks a bit confused, but as always he's very understanding, and he decides to start by addressing what Jasper said about trauma: "Well first of all Jasper, I'm glad I was able to help you understand yourself better, and to understand me and Lapis too. You're right that acknowledging and recognizing trauma is the first step toward healing from it. And yeah, you can tell me anything Jasper, I promise I won't jump to conclusions since you asked me not to. I'm not sure what seeing me as an equal has to do with it, but go ahead."

Jasper glances hesitantly to the side at Lapis, then looks back at Steven on the screen. She steels herself and clears her throat, and then gets straight to the point by saying: "Steven, I do still think of you as 'My Diamond.' I would like to still call you that sometimes and to still give you the Diamond Salute, if that's okay with you once I explain why."

She sees how Steven's jaw hangs slack in shock and can see in the inset showing herself and Lapis that Lapis looks just as shocked; but neither of them looks _judgemental_ , and both of them quickly rein in their shock in order to hear her out, so Jasper continues: "I swear that it's not what it sounds like at first, because that term and the salute don't mean to me what they used to. You could think of the term as being like a... what was it called again, Pink Diamond used to use the word... ah that's it, a _nickname_ for you that shows how deeply I respect you, and the salute as being how I greet you to show my respect for you as a friend."

"I... uh, there's more I need to explain about what all that means to me but... is that something you wouldn't ever be okay with no matter what? If being referred to using that term and saluted would be... _hurtful_ to you, then I'll just drop the subject and never bring it up again."

When Jasper stops to await his answer, Steven still looks pretty confused but keeps an open mind as Jasper asked him to and replies: "Uh, well Jasper, I mean... it always _was_ hurtful for you to call me your Diamond and give me the Diamond Salute, but that's only because I really wanted you to be my friend instead of trying to be my, uh... slave, soldier, whatever it was, which reminded me of what I did to make you think of me that way. But I believe you that you don't think like that anymore, so if you wanna call me that as a nickname and salute me as a greeting, then yeah, that's totally fine. But like you said, you _definitely_ need to explain it to me. Jasper, _why_ do you wanna call me that as a nickname and still salute me?" Lapis looks immensely curious as she watches this strange interaction take place between her mutual friends.

Jasper replies: "Steven, it's because I still respect you more than anyone else with Lapis here as a close second, and because I still have a _code_ and my _pride_ as a warrior. I may understand true strength now, and I may understand friendship and finally have friends, but that doesn't mean that I _want_ to or _will_ change who I am _completely_." Lapis is pleasantly surprised to hear Jasper say to Steven that she respects her nearly as much as she respects him, and Steven doesn't fail to notice how Lapis blushes once again.

Oblivious to Lapis' blush and to the excited glint in Steven's eyes upon noticing it, Jasper continues uninterrupted: "Steven, I respect you the _most_ because I still believe, or rather I _know_ , that you're _the strongest person in the universe_ , and I still respect strength above all else; what's changed is that thanks to Lapis' wise teachings, I've learned that strength takes _many_ forms. I can see the disbelief on your face, I understand that you have a hard time believing that you're the strongest since you've shown weakness and done some bad things. But Steven, that's only because you were traumatized like you explained to me. It's _alright_ that you've sometimes shown weakness and flaws or done some bad things, because as Lapis taught me, _no one_ is _perfect_ and _everyone_ has flaws, and that's _okay_."

Lapis blushes even more deeply as Jasper makes it clear to Steven just how seriously she takes Lapis' "wise" advice. Lapis insists to herself that she's only embarrassed because she's not used to such praise, and yet she can't seem to _stop_ blushing. Steven knows better than her, and it takes all his willpower to rein himself in and not _squeal_ over how _hilaradorkable_ his friends are as Jasper remains oblivious. At the same time, Steven listens raptly to Jasper's words since he, like Lapis, is at a place in his life where _praise and validation from people he cares about aid his mental state greatly_.

Jasper has given a great deal of thought to how she would word all this, and she continues: "Steven, my _friend_ , let me explain how I _know_ that you're the strongest person in the cosmos. Ever since I first met you, you've been the very strongest in the most real of ways, the ways that Lapis has explained to me. You always tried to resolve any conflict with words and diplomacy before resorting to combat, and you always strove to be compassionate and understanding, showing acceptance toward nearly everyone you met. You even tried to help _me_ , after everything I did and tried to do to you and your friends and family, back when I idiotically corrupted myself. You extended a helping hand and offered me, _your worst enemy at the time_ , your friendship; _I_ was the one who rejected that offer due to my false pride."

"You indeed had far too many, far too heavy burdens placed upon you when you were far too young as a half-human, far too many burdens for even an 'adult' to bear, and yet you handled those burdens remarkably well at the time, better than _anyone_ could've _ever_ reasonably _expected_ you to. At the end of Era 2 you showed your unrivaled strength by convincing the Diamonds of the error of their ways through _diplomacy_ rather than by defeating them in combat, and apparently you used words rather than physical might to convince Spinel to stand down as well."

"You possess more kindness, patience, understanding, compassion, and restraint than anyone else in all of existence, and _almost every Gem knows that_. That's why Gems throughout the cosmos, including the other Diamonds, all _sing your praises_. Sure, you do have _flaws_ , you're not _perfect_ and _sometimes_ you fail to show restraint, but that's understandable after everything you went through, Steven."

Steven and Lapis both now look deeply moved by Jasper's words, and Steven's eyes once again glisten with the beginnings of tears as Jasper continues: "As for my feelings as a _warrior:_ Lapis has taught me that combat prowess _can_ be a form of strength, as long as someone's _motives_ for fighting and training are _good_ ones. I know that you lost sight of your normally good and strong motives when we spent those three days training, but aside from that time you _almost always_ had the best possible motivations for fighting. You almost always tried to resolve things with words and diplomacy first, and yet you trained yourself ceaselessly as a child in order to grow stronger in combat."

"I understand now why you trained as you did: It wasn't for the sake of fighting itself or out of a sense of false pride like my own motives for training. You wanted physical power and skill so that when words and diplomacy _failed_ , you could _protect_ the people and the world that you cared about. The first time I ever met you, you showed immense courage by standing your ground against a modern Gem warship, not knowing if you would be _able_ to deflect its blast; you risked your life to protect your family against enemies so powerful you had no hope of defeating them yourself."

"I came to understand the strength you demonstrated when we first met, when I was in the woods and met a mother bird who stood her ground to protect her babies against me, a threat who she knew to be overwhelmingly large and powerful. There were other Earthlings there as well who had the strength to stand their ground against me to protect their homes and their young."

"Once I swallowed my pride and finally allowed myself to _pay attention_ to my surroundings, I came to see that this world is _full_ of _mighty warriors_ , warriors who while physically weak nevertheless far surpass my own former level as a soldier, because they fight for good reasons, for what really matters. I respect them now. And among them, I respect _you_ the most of _all_ , Steven."

"While you do have weaknesses, you almost never showed the weakness of _cowardice_. As for your abilities as a combatant., there's nothing wrong with taking pride in one's ability to fight as long as it's for the right reasons. Even _without_ your Diamond powers, you're as powerful and skilled as any Quartz; I believe that if you _didn't hold back_ , you may be able to defeat me in your _normal_ state without turning Pink. After all, you were apparently able to go toe-to-toe with Spinel, who by all accounts is a monstrous combatant who could quite possibly defeat me.

"Steven, you should have _pride_ in your _power_ and _skill_. And that's without even mentioning your Pink State. I know that your mind was often clouded by weak motives when you fought in that form, but _I_ believe that you can learn to activate your Pink State using _positive_ emotions, that you can use it for the _right_ reasons. Do I instinctively fear that form due to the trauma of what you did to me? Yes, I do. But I still hold nothing but the _utmost respect_ for your unrivaled might in that form."

Jasper briefly glances at Lapis before turning her eyes back to the phone and continuing: "Steven, in your default Pink State you're the most powerful entity in existence besides the Diamonds and Lapis here. And I know that it was for bad reasons, but you showed the ability to change your form and grow even stronger using your emotions in that state. While it was because of something _terrible_ , you demonstrated that at the absolute _peak_ of your power, you were able to shift into a form that _surpassed_ the other Diamonds, _even White;_ I suppose that implies that Pink, the _smallest_ and _youngest_ of the Diamonds, was ironically _capable_ of becoming the _most powerful_ of them due to her powers being fueled by emotions."

"Steven, I have _faith_ as I said that if the need ever arises you can activate your Pink State using your love and care for others so you can use that power to _protect_ things. Maybe it seems strange for me to bring this up, but we don't know _where_ the Diamonds came from or _what_ they really are, but obviously _something_ must have _created_ them just as _they_ later created other Gems; there's no way that life-forms like the Diamonds could've 'evolved' naturally as you once told me organic life does, Steven."

"So... maybe there's something... _someone_... else out there, that we don't know about, something _older_. I wonder why White always thought she had a _purpose_ , why she thought it was her _'role'_ to be what she saw as 'perfect' and to impose that on others. As a warrior, _I'm always looking ahead to the next possible threat_ , so I can't help thinking: What if something or someone _assigned_ White's supposed _'role'_ to her? What if she's stopped carrying out some _assignment_ or _mission_ due to your persuasion, and as a result some unimaginable threat may rear its ugly head?"

Jasper sees that Steven has gone as pale as a sheet and is clearly struggling to not turn Pink in his panic; she looks at Lapis and sees that her face has gone blank as she's retreated inwards due to fear and paranoia. So Jasper says: " _SNAP OUT OF IT_ you two, _DON'T BE AFRAID_ , that's my _whole point!_ Such a scenario is _highly unlikely_ since White seems to not be worried, so whatever created her may be long gone, she may have always been mistaken about what it wanted from her, or perhaps it never gave her a purpose and the idea that she needed to be what she thought of as 'perfect' was just something she made up. My _point_ is that we _shouldn't be afraid_ even if the _worst case scenario_ happens, because I have _absolute_ and _complete_ faith in Steven's strength as a person and as a warrior!"

Steven and Lapis do snap out out of their fearful states and gape at Jasper as she continues: "If such a threat _does_ exist, and if it ever _comes_ for us, I know you'll try to find a diplomatic solution first. But if that proves impossible, then I _know you'll be able to defeat it_ , Steven. Your Pink State is able to grow ever stronger with emotions, and those _don't have_ to be _negative_ emotions since you're a _strong_ person, the _strongest_ of all. I _know_ that if the need arises, you'll be able to once again surpass the other Diamonds, only this time driven by your _love_ for others. If a threat surpassing White Diamond ever shows itself and can't be reasoned with, then rather than becoming the ultimate all-powerful _monster_ , you'll become the ultimate all-powerful _warrior_ and _savior_ , and you'll defeat that threat!"

"As for me and Lapis: If such a time ever comes, I promise we'll be _assets_ to you, and I mean that as a _comrade in arms_ rather than as a subordinate." Jasper again glances over at Lapis, whose eyes are roiling with a sea of turbulent emotions as her lips tremble, and briefly takes her hand and squeezes it as she says: "Lapis, _I have faith in you too_. You've trained your powers to the point you could restrain Steven's physical strength when he became a monster. You could _possibly match Blue or Yellow_ in combat now. Do you _realize_ what that _means?_ It means that if some unimaginable threat _does_ arise, we can fuse again, only this time as _friends_ rather than as adversaries, and our power as Malachite will be _unimaginable_. Lapis, I may not be nearly as powerful as you or Steven, but if we work _together_ then I _know_ that the three of us can prevail against _anything_."

Lapis is left speechless by Jasper's faith in her, and blushes as Jasper says to Steven: "I will forever have my _pride_ as a _warrior_ , only now as one who strives for _true_ strength, whose power is for the sake of _protecting_ the people and things I care about, like how I'll protect Lapis when she sleeps." Lapis blushes even more fiercely, but not even Steven notices as all his attention is now on Jasper.

Jasper continues: "Steven, because of my pride as a warrior, because I _still_ value strength above all else but have now come to understand _true_ strength, you will _forever_ by My Diamond because you're the very _strongest_ both mentally _and_ physically, and I have the utmost faith in you. You and Lapis are my friends and I do see you as _equals_ in that regard. I understand that friendship is _mutual_ , as Lapis said it's 'a two way street.' But I know that _I'm not equal to you two in strength_. I hope to continue to grow as a person to one day match Lapis in mental strength, and I will forever strive for the ultimate ideal of strength that you personify Steven. But no matter how hard I try, I will _never_ be equal to either of you in _combat_."

"Steven, I know it may seem like I rambled on for a long time, but I've given a lot of thought to all of this and wanted to fully explain my reasoning to you, to fully explain why I have faith in you and even in your Diamond powers regardless of how I fear them, and thus why I'll still refer to you and greet you as I already have for months. Just as I'm The Ultimate Quartz and Lapis here is The Ultimate Lapis Lazuli, you're _The Ultimate Diamond_ both physically and mentally, so I will still refer to you as My Diamond and salute you." Jasper then performs the Diamond Salute for a moment before dropping it.

Steven has tears of joy streaming down his face and wipes at his eyes only for the tears to continue falling, and he replies in a voice choked with nearly too much happiness to handle: "J-Jasper, I... I mean, t-that's... I don't think you rambled, I just... I'm sorry, gimme a second." He takes a deep breath and manages to stop crying, wiping at his eyes again before he continues: " _Thank you_ Jasper, thank you _so_ much. That was _beautiful_. I... I _logically_ know you're right about me being strong, I just... like you said it's hard for me to _believe_ that about myself. But I'll at least _try_ to believe it, because _I want to live up to your faith_ in me. I'm not just _okay_ with you calling me your Diamond and giving me the salute, I'll be _happy_ when you do it because from now on it'll remind me of all these wonderful things that you think about me."

Steven takes another breath and fully regains his composure before continuing: "Some Gems will probably give you a hard time about acting like that and tell you that you're holding on to dumb stuff from Era 2, but they'll be _wrong_ , and if you ever ask me to then _I'll set them straight_ on how we're true friends and you're just showing me respect as a person and a warrior. About the whole warrior thing: I really want to believe you Jasper, to have the same faith in myself that you have in me, that if I ever need to I'll be able to activate Pink State using positive emotions to help and save people. But I _hope_ that nothing will ever make me _have_ to use Pink State, and I _definitely_ hope that nothing will ever show up that White can't handle. I hope your idea of a 'worst case scenario' doesn't exist."

"But I know you're right that if something like that does exist, then Lapis and I _shouldn't_ _be afraid_. Right, Lapis?" Lapis nods with a resolute look on her face and says, "yeah, _no more fear_ ," and Steven continues: "We shouldn't be afraid because we need to have faith like you do that if we work together and are strong in the _real_ way for the _right_ reasons, we can handle _anything_. We're _Crystal Gems_ , and that means that we'll _always_ save the day! Even if people _think_ we can't, we'll _always_ find a way no matter what!"

"About the other stuff you said: Obviously me being the most _powerful_ , or at least having the most _potential_ power, isn't really a question, but as for my _mind_ being the _strongest_ like you think... _maybe_ you're right, but... I'm not the _only_ one who's so strong, you know. Lapis here is a really, really strong person too, you know that already Jasper. Her _will_ is _so_ strong that Blue Diamond's old powers didn't work on her. She might be just as strong as I am; Lapis, I really mean that." Lapis looks _very_ flattered by Steven's praise. Steven then says, "and I know plenty of other _really_ strong people too, like Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl."

Steven continues: "And there's _one_ person who's definitely _at least_ as strong as me. I'm talking about Connie, the most important person in my life. She's _incredibly_ strong, Jasper, _maybe_ stronger than _anyone_. When the Diamonds attacked, before Lapis showed up and when everybody else was K.O.'d by Blue's powers, Connie rode Lion to charge straight at Blue all by herself. And it wasn't just _me_ who used words to convince the Diamonds to change their ways, Connie _helped_ me do that, and it was _her_ laughing at something I said that got White to finally realize she wasn't perfect."

"Connie's always _supported_ me when my _own_ strength _failed;_ I'd be a _goner_ if she hadn't been there in White's head with me. And even though she's just a fifteen year old girl, _she_ was apparently the person who brought everyone else, a buncha millennia-old Gems and a grown human adult, to their senses when they were panicking on the beach when I was a monster. _She's_ the one who gave me the last bit of love and support I needed so I could turn back to normal. If it weren't for Connie, I'd have rampaged until I destroyed everything in the world. Connie saved _everybody_ by saving me."

Steven thinks that maybe it seems strange to Jasper how he brought things around to Connie, but _he couldn't help himself_ when talking about the strongest people he knows. He loves Connie _so_ much, and feels so much respect and admiration for her, that he _has_ to talk her up at times like this.

Jasper _doesn't_ think it seems strange that Steven brought up Connie, because she takes _any_ talk of _strength_ and strong people _very_ seriously, and she replies: "I of course already know that Lapis is _very_ strong. And Connie sounds impressive; I knew _some_ of those things but not _all_ of them. Lapis here also told me that Connie is at least as strong as you are. I saw her earlier you know, and I was impressed with how she carries herself like a true warrior of the highest caliber. To think that a fragile human child would be brave enough to charge headlong at a wrathful Blue Diamond and calmer under pressure than any Gem; that's truly _remarkable_ , perhaps she is in fact the _strongest_. I'll have to watch her closely from now on."

When Jasper finishes, Lapis says, "yeah, Connie's pretty awesome, on top of all that other stuff she's a really good friend." She then says in a deadpan sarcastic tone with a barely-amused look on her face: "You know, Steven here likes to _watch_ _her closely_ too, but for _different_ reasons that aren't so _wholesome_. Isn't that right, Steven?"

Jasper figures that Lapis must be making a "joke," but she doesn't "get" it. She _can_ tell that the joke involves teasing Steven, as the boy sheepishly rubs the back of his neck and turns as red as a tomato as he stammers, "ah... uhhh... I-I mean... I don't... it's not like... I'm not a perv..."

He takes a calming breath and stops blushing, then says in an exasperated tone: "Oh _come on_ Lapis, don't _do_ that to me, that was sooo not cool. Look, Jasper doesn't even _get_ it, and explaining it to her would be another _super_ long explanation that I don't wanna have to get into right now." Jasper was in fact about to ask her friends to explain the joke to her, but now she decides to table her questions for another time, but she still can't help wondering to herself _"why would Steven watch Connie closely for different reasons than I would? And what does Lapis mean by 'wholesome?' I'll definitely have to ask Steven or Lapis about that in the future."_

Lapis allows her half-smile of amusement to grow ever so slightly as she replies: "I didn't say that to amuse _Jasper_ , Steven - no offense Jasper - I said it because I thought it'd be funny to see _your_ reaction. And believe me, your reaction was _priceless_. I even took a a couple screenshots of the look on your face, I wasn't gonna miss a golden opportunity like that." Jasper did notice the phone make clicking sounds when Lapis pushed a pair of buttons as Steven blushed and stammered. Lapis' smile grows further and she says, "Bismuth is gonna get _such_ a laugh out of those pictures."

Steven is still a bit exasperated and embarrased, but he can't help sharing in Lapis' amusement at his own expense, so he plays along and clutches at his heart in mock horror and anguish as he melodramatically says: "Oh Lapis Lazuli, you're truly _so_ very _cruel!_ That's _it_ , my social life will be _over_ if those pictures get out, no one will respect me _ever_ again and I may as well just go live as a hermit forever!"

Jasper can tell that Steven isn't being _serious_ , but she still doesn't "get" it. She _definitely_ needs to ask Lapis to explain humor to her at some point, as it seems like the capacity for making and comprehending "jokes" is sometimes important in friendships; at the very least, it's certainly something that matters to _her_ two friends, so she wants to learn about it.

Lapis loses her composure and bursts into snorting laughter, and Steven chuckles along with her. Once they finish laughing, Steven looks at the time and sees that it's now past 8:00pm, so he says: "Hey Jasper, like I said I'm _really_ glad we were able to have such a great talk and become friends, but would it be alright if I go now? It's a few hours before my bedtime now, and I don't usually talk to anyone besides Connie, Garnet, Amethyst, or Pearl on the phone this late. Do you agree we've pretty much resolved everything by now? Like I said, we should make plans for a visit sometime; you can talk to Lapis about coordinating it with me! Lapis, it was nice seeing you too!" He actually wants to convince Jasper to get her own cellphone, but since it's getting late he doesn't want to touch upon a new topic at this point. He shoots Jasper a broad grin.

Jasper smiles softly but a bit awkwardly back at Steven and says: "Of course Steven, I don't want to take up too much of your time. I appreciate you taking the time to speak with me for so long and explaining so many things so that I can better understand you, Lapis, and myself. Thank you for your support. I too am very happy to be your friend. Enjoy your travels. Uhh, have a... nice evening, My Diamond." As she speaks those final two words, Jasper strikes the Diamond Salute as Lapis waves at Steven and says, "goodnight Steven, it was really nice seeing you!" She then smiles slyly as she says, "and it was _really_ nice getting such great pictures in case I ever need to blackmail you!"

Steven expected this from Lapis, so he smiles deviously as well and replies: "Oh Lapis, you're such a rascal. Goodnight you two! Have fun hanging out tonight, all _alone_ there in the _privacy_ of your home, Lapis! Don't do anything _I_ wouldn't do. Peace out!" He grins again and flashes a peace-sign as he hangs up. Jasper holds the Diamond salute until the video-feed cuts to black, and completely misses how Lapis blushes furiously in response to Steven's words before quickly reining herself in and stamping out her thoughts as she thinks, _"haha yeah, what thoughts, heh, no thoughts at all, I'm definitely only having purely friendly thoughts about being alone here with Jasper."_

.................................................

As Steven leans back in the chair in his hotel room, rather than calling Connie right away he takes a little bit of time to think. He speaks aloud to himself as he often does: "That really did go amazingly! I'm _so_ happy that Jasper is finally making progress. And the stuff she said to me was so nice... she called me 'The Ultimate Diamond,' not just because of my physical power but because of my mental strength, too. Am I really as strong as she thinks, though?"

He takes a deep breath and lightly slaps his cheeks before saying: "Okay Steven Quartz Cutiepie DeMayo Diamond Universe, _buck up_ , remember what Dr. Jackson and everybody else says and stop _doubting_ yourself! Sure, maybe I turned Pink earlier without meaning to, but Jasper has _faith_ in me! The person who I hurt the _most_ with my Diamond-powers believes that my Pink State can be a _good_ thing that can protect people... I need to let myself believe that she's right, dangit!"

He takes another breath before saying: "She has all that faith in you Steven, so have faith in _yourself!_ " He _tries_ to get himself to believe that Jasper is right, that maybe having emotion-triggered Diamond-powers isn't an _inherently_ bad thing, that what matters is _what emotions_ trigger those powers. Even so, he still can't quite believe that yet, but thanks to Jasper's kind words he thinks that maybe _someday_ he can. "She's a good friend," he says to himself, "and she's already _way_ stronger than she realizes. At least she's there with Lapis who believes in her and supports her. Lapis will teach her to believe in herself."

His thoughts do a one-eighty as he says: "I totally see now what Connie was saying, Jasper and Lapis really are _hilaradorkable!_ I _love_ how Jasper is totally oblivious while Lapis tip-toes around her feelings like they dont' exist! Ooooh sooo cuuuuute, Jaspis is officially tied with Bispearl now as my favorite potential couple! Speaking of which, I _really_ need to keep trying to convince Bismuth to finally confess; I'm _almost sure_ that Pearl's finally moved on from mom and is ready to find new love! As for Jaspis... if I talk to Jasper again, maybe I should explain what romance is by explaining how things developed between me and Connie. I can take care of two things at once by helping her understand me and Connie _and_ teaching her about romance. Then Jasper can finally recognize her own feelings. Hmmm, but I can't do that if Lapis is there; Jasper definitely needs to get a phone."

Steven thinks for a moment and then says: "Aaah I dunno, besides I have to make sure I'm not _meddling_ or anything the way I always used to do. It's kinda different with Gems than with humans though, since they tend to be as dense as rocks, which is funny since they _are_ rocks. I should just call Connie now, I'm sure she'll take the time to talk to me like she always does and I can ask her whether I'd be 'meddling.'"

He decides on a video-chat since he always loves to see his girlfriend's beautiful face whenever he can; he blushes as he thinks that _Lapis was right_ , he _does_ like to _watch_ Connie. And yes, _maybe_ as Lapis said he _sometimes_ likes to watch Connie in ways that _aren't completely wholesome_. "But I'm a _teen boy_ ," he says to himself, "so it's _normal_ and _healthy_ to think my totally cool and amazing girlfriend is _sexy_... and it's _totally normal_ to stare at her legs sometimes and at her butt when her back's turned and nobody's looking, _completely_ normal... but I guess Lapis has noticed... ugh whatever, I shouldn't let Lapis' teasing get to me. At least Connie and I aren't _reckless_ like most teens, we're _not_ gonna rush into anything too physical anytime soon. Her training _has_ paid off for more than just fighting though, I do _really_ like her legs.. and her butt... and her-"

Steven catches himself and _very forcefully_ stifles that train of thought before it can fully depart the station, and he brings up Connie on the Atmosphype app and dials her, propping the phone up on the table again so his hands will be free.

After a few rings she answers, and her face appears on the screen smiling at him as she says: "Hi there Biscuit, it's _always_ a such a _treat_ to see your handsome mug! Sooo judging by how your face looks like you just befriended a former enemy and also saw something adorable, I'm guessing that maybe you talked with _Jasper_ while she's with Lapis, huh?" He can see her bedroom wall in the background and that she's at her desk (probably studying as usual), so as he figured she must have already gone home after dinner with Lion, Peridot, and Bismuth.

Steven blushes at Connie's light flirting and takes a moment to think about how _savvy_ she is before he says: "Heeey Strawberry, same to you, you _know_ I made this a video-call so I can see your gorgeous face! And yeah, I talked to Jasper, you can totally read me like a book. There was a bit of a bump along the way 'cause of my trauma, but the conversation went _really_ well and she and I are great friends now! Just a heads up, she still calls me Her Diamond and salutes me, but now it's a super-respectful nickname and greeting between friends rather than some weird submission thing... if that makes sense? I can explain it, but it's pretty complicated."

Connie replies: "Wow, that's _fantastic!_ That whole 'Her Diamond' thing does seem a _bit_ weird, but as long as _you're_ okay with it then Jasper can call you anything and greet you however she wants, so who am I to judge? I'm definitely curious about it, but if it's complicated then maybe explain it to me _after_ I ask you this: Was I right about her and Lapis being _hilaradorkable_ together, or _was I right?_ "

Steven's eyes turn into stars as he squeezes his cheeks together with both hands and replies, "Oh my GOSH eeeeee yesss, they're sooo cute, awkward, and funny! I love how Lapis is all like, 'attraction? Psh, _what_ attraction, my feelings are nothing but _friendly_ and I'm _definitely_ _not_ thinking about how nice it'd be for Jasper to hold me in her big, strong arms,' and how Jasper is like, 'heh, now that I've _mastered_ friendship I'm _sure_ that these feelings about Lapis are normal feelings between friends, because friendship must be the highest form of non-familial bond! Huh, 'romance' you say? What's that? Is it something _strong_ , can I _punch_ it?'"

When Steven says those things he drops his hands from his cheeks and performs impressions: For Lapis he dangles his hands at his side while leaning backwards to relax in the chair while adopting a slightly sour, deadpan expression and tone, and for Jasper he crosses his arms and speaks in a gruff and self-assured voice while adopting a cocky expression. Connie can't help herself and laughs at Steven's impressions; he's just so _hilarious_ sometimes. As her laughter dies down she says, "haha yeahhh, that's _exactly_ what they're like together, it's _so hard to keep a straight face_ when watching them. I wonder how long it'll take for them to figure things out."

Steven's face takes on an expression that's simultaneously excited, serious, and nervous as he says: "Well Connie, about that. In Lapis' case she just needs time to move past her denial. But in _Jasper's_ case... I _maaay_ have come up with a _plan_ to help her recognize her feelings since she only doesn't realize them since she has no idea what romance is. Buuut since it's more complicated than my simple plan to get Bismuth to confess to Pearl, I'm wondering if I could run it by you to figure out whether I'd be 'meddling' like I've been trying not to do anymore..."

Connie giggles a bit at how self-aware Steven is, and then replies, "hmmmm, okay, lay it on me Jam Bud, if you're being a meddler I'll let you know!" Steven laughs a bit too and says, "well okay, so I'm thinking that the next time I talk to her, I can tell her about _us_ , and..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, Monster Steven was more powerful than all the other Diamonds including White. The fact is that the "pure" form of Pink Diamond's gem, "Pink Steven" back in "Change Your Mind," was more powerful than White as well; he was able to completely resist her absolute full power and knock it back with enough force that it "hurt" her according to human-Steven, and it briefly knocked White unconscious. What does all that imply? It means that just as Jasper says here, Pink was actually the most powerful of the Diamonds, or at least she had the potential to be the most powerful at her peak. The power of Pink's gem is the power of emotions; she was basically the Gem version of The Hulk but with more than just anger, able to grow more powerful the stronger her emotions got. As for why she never physically confronted her sisters to knock them down a peg, that's for the same reason why she didn't break out of that prison cell (that she clearly could have easily broken out of if she tried) when they locked her in it: They broke down her will through a process of systematic emotional abuse. Which in hindsight considering that Pink had the most potential power, may have been because the other three feared her potential and didn't want her to feel confident enough to grow stronger than them.
> 
> As for the stuff about the origin of the Diamonds and the idea that whatever/whoever created them (they're clearly artificial in some sense rather than naturally evolved) may pose a threat if it turns out that White is no longer fulfilling her "mission": It's something that a lot of fans have thought and speculated about. Personally I suspect that White was born from the core of a sentient star, specically a white dwarf (I'm not going to go into my reasons for believing that) which would mean that their creator is likely "dead" (stars fade and die) and may have created them as a means to forever carry on its life-force in an immortal form. But there's of course also a chance that some kind of "precursor race" (a common trope in sci-fi and fantasy) or some immortal entity created them, or at least created White, and might still be out there somewhere. If that's the case, then that precursor race/entity would obviously be unimaginably advanced and powerful to have created a being like White.
> 
> As Jasper explains, as a consummate warrior she's the type to think ahead to the next possible threat no matter how unlikely the existence of such a threat may be, during a time of peace when it seems there are no major threats left (Bluebird is just a nuisance and doesn't count). A precursor race posing a threat does not exist in the canon of this story, since I don't think such a thing was the origin of the Diamonds, and that's why no mention is made of a battle against such a precursor race/entity in my other story ("Their Love Can Take Them Away Together") that this serves as a prequel to. Jasper is simply a true warrior who plans to be prepared for anything, so she's taken the time to consider the possible existence of the one kind of enemy (one surpassing White Diamond) that she thinks may still be able to pose a threat to their universe at this point.
> 
> I couldn't resist having Steven paraphrase the opening theme of the original series, haha. Oh and Connie is obviously possibly (it's hard to choose) my favorite character, so I like to hype her when I can. It's also legitimately true that her mental strength/resilience is god-tier. Although I also by no means think she doesn't have some trauma of her own, and I will be touching upon the idea of Connie's trauma a bit in later chapters.


	8. Her Lapis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the immediate aftermath of the call with Steven, Jasper's wall of denial finishes collapsing and she has another breakdown; Lapis helps her pick up the pieces, leading to Jasper having a major realization and deciding upon a new resolve. Lapis herself also has a realization.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO ABOUT WHY IT TOOK ME SO LONG TO POST THIS CHAPTER: I've been working on it concurrently with Chapters Nine and Ten, as well as doing a good deal of outlining for Chapters Eleven, Twelve, and Thirteen, and even a little bit for Fourteen and Fifteen. The reason I've been taking such an approach should become clear once I've posted everything up through Chapter Eleven or Twelve, as at that point you'll see how this chapter and the subsequent ones interconnect with each other.
> 
> There's also been _real life_ stuff making it so I've had less free time than before to work on this fic (just because I've already worked on it a lot doesn't mean you should expect Chapter Nine _**soon**_ ), haha sorry everybody. I **_promise_ **though that _ **this fic is not dead**_ , it'll **_never_ **die until it's _**over**_ , and even then that just means I'll go back to _**finally** _revising and then continuing _"Their Love Can Take Them Away Together!"_ I also have some ideas for more fanfics after that!
> 
> _I **promise** that the only way any of my fics will ever die is if something unanticipated happens where so many real life responsibilities pile up that I no longer have any time for fanfics, OR if I ever get a genuine case of eternal writer's block. If such a thing ever happens, then I'll inform my readers of it._
> 
> **My real world friends who mostly think fanfics are lame:** "This will pass, he'll eventually just burn himself out."
> 
>  **Me channeling Ruby:** "That's what YOU think! I AM AN ETERNAL FLAME, BABY!" _ ****SMASHES TABLE****_

Lapis sets her phone down on a wireless charger on the dresser before surprising Jasper by sweeping her into a hug around her waist (since Lapis' arms are too small to encircle her chest) and forming her wings, twirling Jasper around the room as she takes flight.

She spins Jasper around a few times, leaving the big burly Quartz confused but happy before she touches down and sets Jasper back in the chair. Lapis places her hands upon Jasper's shoulders and looks her straight in the eyes as she beams and tells her: "Oh Jasper, I'm so _proud_ of you right now, for _so_ many reasons! I _knew_ you could do it, I had faith that you could be strong and work things out with Steven! Just _look_ at how much you've learned in _such a short time_ about how to understand and support other people... you managed to get through a conversation with Steven about your traumatizing past history with him, and the two of you were strong enough to come out the other side of that difficult conversation as friends with a strong bond!"

Lapis removes her hands from Jasper's shoulders and lifts slightly off the ground with her wings to hover in the air (she _literally_ can't stay _grounded_ when she's this _happy_ ) and starts to ramble excitedly: "Jasper, you said that you see the _beauty_ in Earth and organic life now, oh my gosh that's _incredible_ , I'm _so_ happy for you! You were able to explain something that initially made Steven uncomfortable, but in a way that he and I _understood_ and made him feel _good_ about himself."

"My stars Jasper, he'll be _happy_ from now on when you give him the Diamond Salute! Do you realize how _amazing_ that is?! I'm _overjoyed_ for both of you!" Lapis blissfully performs a few spins and twirls around the room before coming to rest again, grinning from ear to ear as she hovers a few feet above the floor in front of Jasper.

Jasper's thoughts are jumbled; she can't seem to come up with actual spoken words at the moment, but she does know two things: First, she made Lapis smile _that_ smile again, the one that lights up Jasper's entire world, and it looks wider, more genuine, and more beautiful than ever. Second, she _really_ likes having to _look up_ at Lapis; she once again thinks that even the Earth's beauty can't compare to Lapis. _"Lapis looks GLORIOUS right now as she smiles and looks down upon me,"_ Jasper thinks, _"she looks so radiant and powerful that she's like a... a GODDESS. How did I of all Gems get so lucky as to have someone so amazing care so much about me?"_

Jasper remains oblivious concerning the nature of relationships extending beyond friendship, so unlike Lapis she isn't startled and doesn't engage in denial when she has such thoughts. She correctly sees and accepts her thoughts as natural, while remaining ignorant of the fact that she's thinking about Lapis in _far_ more than just a "friendly" way at this point.

It does strike Jasper as possibly concerning that she enjoys when Lapis _looks down_ upon her, and she briefly wonders if that could be some kind of manifestation of her trauma and desire to serve. After a moment's consideration she thinks, _"no, I don't think that's it, because I do see my friendship with Lapis as mutual and equal. I just like seeing her in a position befitting her power, and I like it when she takes the lead on things; a dominant role suits her well. There's nothing wrong with me liking that as long as I don't see her as a commander or master. I like looking up at Lapis because I respect her power and strength so much, it's similar to how I'm friends with Steven but still salute him."_

Some instinct tells Jasper that the situation with Lapis is also very _different_ from her situation with Steven, that Lapis is now _even more important_ to her than Her Diamond is, and that it's okay if she wants to _serve_ Lapis (such as guarding her when she sleeps) even after abandoning her role as a soldier. But she can't put her finger on the nature of that instinct any more than she can put her finger on why she feels it would be a _very_ awkward, bad idea to _voice_ all those thoughts. Jasper does find it surprising that Lapis is somehow even more important to her than Her Diamond is; but she doesn't _mind_ feeling that way since she now has a healthy friendship with Steven.

Lapis continues smiling, but grows a _bit_ concerned since Jasper is spacing out; she's staring up at her with a strange, satisfied looking smile on her face and a half-blank look in her eyes. Lapis abruptly snaps her fingers to get Jasper's attention. Jasper startles at that and Lapis giggles and says, "heeey there, Homeworld to Jasper, you still with me down there? You've been spaced out for like, half a minute. I didn't overwhelm you, did I?"

As Jasper snaps back to full awareness, she bashfully rubs the back of her neck and blushes as she says: "Uh... um... y-yeah, heh, s-sorry about that Lapis, I don't know what came over me. Maybe you _did_ overwhelm me, but in... in a _good_ way by saying all those nice things." Jasper can't identify the emotions that make her blush and stammer; all she knows is that it has something to do with how dazzling and gorgeous Lapis looks as she hovers above her.

Still refusing to acknowledge her _own_ feelings, _let alone_ to even _entertain_ the thought that Jasper might _reciprocate_ them, Lapis watches Jasper blush and stammer and thinks, _"oh dear, she must be embarrassed that she spaced out like that, maybe I shouldn't have pointed it out."_

Jasper regains her composure rather quickly; she stops blushing, remaining seated and crossing her arms as she looks up to make eye contact with Lapis and says in a calmer tone: "I'm as glad as you are that the talk with Steven went so well, it's wonderful to be _friends_ with My Diamond now. As with everything else, _you were right_ Lapis, having a _connection_ and _understanding_ him feels _much_ better than trying to be some _lackey_ he never wanted. I'm also grateful that he helped me understand _you_ better, and that he helped me understand _myself_ , even if what he helped me understand is, well... kind of a... a _bad_ thing." Her confident demeanor dissipates with those last few words, and she lowers her arms back to the chair's armrests as she breaks eye contact.

Lapis' countenance turns gravely serious and she retracts her wings to touch down upon the ground, causing Jasper to look back towards her as she briefly thinks, _"aw dangit, now she's at my eye level again."_ Lapis takes a couple steps forward, stands to the left side of Jasper's lower legs since the Quartz remains sitting, and somewhat awkwardly (due to the size of the armchair and of Jasper herself) leans forward to draw Jasper into a hug, draping her arms over Jasper's shoulders and around her neck to grasp gently at her upper back. As she hugs Jasper, Lapis rests her head upon the burly Quartz's shoulder.

Before Jasper can voice her confusion over Lapis' latest surprise-hug, Lapis says: "Oh Jasper, _realizing_ that you're traumatized isn't a _bad_ thing. The trauma _itself_ , I know how _that's_ bad, but like you talked about with Steven, _recognizing_ that you have an issue is the first step towards _healing_. You know that Steven wasn't able to start getting better until he stopped living in denial. And the same was true for me. It's _okay_ to be _hurt_ Jasper, it's _okay_ to be... _warped_... it's _okay_ to know that you need to try to _bend_ yourself back into... into a shape where you can... can _function_."

Lapis chokes up by the end of her statement, and Jasper feels a few drops of water land on her shoulder; Lapis is shedding tears for her sake, or perhaps for _both_ their sakes as well as Steven's. To Jasper's surprise, unbidden tears begin to well up in her own eyes. Suddenly she feels as if a _cracked and leaking dam_ , one she'd been subconsciously patching up for millennia but had never truly _fixed_ , has finally been breached beyond hope of repair.

Jasper's dam _nearly_ failed four times during just the last few days. A large crack formed when she wept over Steven's departure. Another breach occurred when she flew into a berserker rage and wept at her training grounds. And the dam nearly failed _twice_ earlier this very evening, first when Jasper realized the gravity of her sins, and again when she had a flashback. But with each of those breaches, she'd managed a makeshift repair and then ignored the dam and the rising waters behind it by focusing on other matters like befriending Lapis and Steven.

But each of those cracks, as well as all the other damage (fighting in the war, Malachite, corrupting, being shattered, and _so_ _much more_ ) sustained during the thousands of years leading up to this point, left the dam increasingly damaged regardless of her shoddy patch-up jobs. With her new level of emotional self-awareness, she can no longer keep fixing the dam while _pretending_ it was _ever_ sturdy or _should've been constructed_ to begin with. After over five millennia of being buffeted by the floodwaters of Jasper's trauma, the dam of her denial finally collapses.

The flood pours forth and rages through the valley of Jasper's mind, and the waters _crash_ and _rip_ through her psychological landscape. She gasps out a choked sob, raising her arms to wrap them around Lapis and burying her face against the crook of Lapis' shoulder. She desperately grasps at Lapis' middle back, nearly pulling her down into the chair with her as she weeps.

Jasper chokes out broken words between sobs: "L... Lapis, i-it's... it's just... i-it's so... it's t- _too much_ , it's too h- _hard_ to _be_ this way... to _kn-know_ that I'm t-this way... I... I... I never _was_ in a shape where I could... could _function_... t-there's _no_ shape to _bend_ myself... to bend myself _back_ into... because I've a- _always_ been warped, I've _always_ been... _b-broken!_ F... from the _moment_ I burst out of the g-ground, I-I've... I've b-been... I've j-just been _me!_ " She breaks down completely, her words failing her as she laments her very existence and clutches desperately at Lapis as if she's the only thing keeping her from being swept away completely by the flood.

Lapis' heart _breaks_ for Jasper; this is _so_ upsetting, and she's tempted to bawl noisily herself. But she stayed strong for _Steven_ during his breakdown when _his_ dam collapsed (thank goodness Jasper doesn't have Diamond-powers like Steven's that affect her surroundings when her dam leaks and transform her into a monster when it collapses), and she stays strong again now, crying softly and silently because Jasper _needs_ her to maintain her composure.

Lapis understands _very_ well what it's like to be _broken_ , but Jasper is correct that she doesn't understand what it's like to have _always_ been that way, because very long ago, Lapis was still mentally healthy. She can only try to _imagine_ how terrible Jasper's anguish must be; she attempts to envision what it's like to realize that from the _very instant_ she burst from the ground she was _immediately_ broken by her first experiences. Lapis figures it must be _unbearable_ to only now realize such a thing after so very long; _no wonder_ Jasper always preferred to live in denial.

Lapis rubs soothing circles on Jasper's upper back and the nape of her neck as she speaks soothingly to her: "Oh Jasper, that must've been _awful_. But it'll be _okay_ Jasper, I _promise_ that things _can_ get better and you _can_ be okay, because _I'm here_ for you, and _Steven's_ there for you, you have _friends_ now who _support_ you. We can help you through this, _I_ can help you through this. I may not know what it's like to be broken from the _beginning_ , but I _do_ know what it's like to feel broken beyond repair. But you _aren't_ beyond repair, you _can_ heal Jasper. I _know_ from my own experiences and from Steven's that if you work through your feelings with the support of others, you can recover from a broken state."

"And Jasper, you _already are_ recovering and getting better. Just in these last few days, you've _proven_ that you can get better even in such a short time, that you _can_ change to be able to function in society. Even before this moment tonight when you cast aside your denial and fully acknowledged your issues, you _already_ started to become better! You've made _friends_ now, Jasper; the old you who was still completely broken would've never opened herself up to forming such bonds!"

Jasper's sobs are just a bit quieter now, and she manages to speak again as she says against Lapis' shoulder: "B-but w... w-what if... what if I r... _revert_ , Lapis. L-like you s-said, i... it's only been a c-couple days! What if I g-go b-back, back to being the j-jerk I was before? W-what if I dr... drive y-you and Steven _away_ by being _awful_ again? W-who... who will support me _then_!?"

Lapis continues to comfortingly rub Jasper's upper back as she replies: "Jasper, if you revert to your old ways then I'll _still_ help you, and I guarantee that _Steven will too_. I didn't give up on Steven even when he became an actual monster, and he and I won't ever give up on you, because we'll _never_ abandon a friend. We've seen that you _can_ be good and truly strong, so even if you _do_ go back to your old self, we'll help you become better again, because we have _faith_ in you just like _you_ said you have faith in _us!_ Jasper, I _promise_ you that _no matter what_ , I'll _never_ forsake you; as for Steven, he _never_ gives up on _anyone_! We are the _Crystal Gems_ , and Crystal Gems _never_ give up on our friends!"

Lapis doesn't mention that she plans to take it upon _herself_ to help Jasper rather than letting Steven bear _any_ of the burden. She knows that Steven would be _all too happy_ to help Jasper with her issues, but that itself is part of _his_ issues; focusing on others and shouldering their burdens is Steven's _most unhealthy_ coping mechanism. Sometime soon she'll explain to Jasper that while he'd _want_ to help, actually _asking_ Steven for help would be unfair to him at this point; but now isn't the time to explain that.

Jasper's crying quiets significantly; she pulls away a bit and gently pushes Lapis back so she can look at her. Lapis still has a few tears leaking from her own eyes; Jasper can see nothing but sympathy and sincerity in her expression, but she still asks her: "Do... do you _really_ mean that, Lapis? You... you'll _never_ give up on me...never _abandon_ me... no matter what?"

Lapis wipes her eyes with a forearm, sighs, and places a hand on Jasper's shoulder as she looks into her eyes and says: "Oh Jasper, of _course_ I mean that, you know I wouldn't lie to you. And honestly, I have a gut feeling that you _can_ stay _strong_ from now on. Jasper, I trust that you'll _never_ go back to the way you were before; you _might_ slip and fall a couple times along the way, because that happens to the best of us, but I believe that you'll keep moving forward. And I'm _positive_ that Steven would say the same thing."

"You're _strong_ Jasper, _stronger_ than your pain and trauma. _You_ may not be able to see the road ahead of you clearly, but _I_ can see it; it's a path leading ever onward into a bright, happy future in which you can heal and you'll _never_ have to be alone ever again. If you really do believe in me Jasper, then _also_ believe in _yourself_ , because _I_ believe in you!"

Jasper stopped crying altogether about midway through Lapis' pep talk, and she gapes at Lapis in open-mouthed shock as she tries to process the fact that this woman standing before her has so much empathy for her and so much _faith_ in her. The floodwaters of her trauma still fill the landscape of her mind, but she no longer feels the need to build some dam to hold them back. Just as she can do with real water, Lapis _calmed the flood_ of Jasper's anguish. The hurt remains, but the waters now lie still, no longer raging and churning violently. Perhaps with enough time, Lapis can help Jasper make those waters _recede_.

Jasper tries to process the fact that this awe-inspiring _goddess_ of water and kindness thinks that a pathetic Gem like her who's _always_ been broken can piece herself together into a strong whole and then stay that way. _Maybe_ she _isn't_ a weak and pathetic excuse for a Quartz, maybe she's _already_ strong like Lapis believes she is. Like Lapis said, if she believes in her friend then maybe she can believe in _herself_.

She suddenly has a blinding revelation: This woman, this goddess, is _Her Lapis_. She's not sure _why_ that sentiment feels _different_ from how Steven is Her Diamond, but she knows that she should _accept_ this feeling that _Lapis is the most important thing in all the cosmos to her_. She had an inkling of that earlier when she realized that Lapis is even more important to her than Steven, but now she realizes that Lapis matters more to her than _anything_. Even the significance of the concept of _strength_ (however much she may have redefined it) that was always the most important thing to her, now _pales_ in comparison to Lapis.

She knows that such a thing seems _crazy_ , because they've only been true friends for _this one night_ , and yet it's _not_ crazy because they've _known_ each other for far longer. Jasper would do _anything_ for this woman. She understands and accepts that Lapis is her _friend_ , her _equal;_ but nevertheless she _worships_ Lapis, not because some arbitrary hierarchy and rules _tell_ her that she should, but because she _wants_ to worship her. Jasper _wants_ to see Lapis as a goddess; but _not_ as some _perfect_ goddess who stands above her as a _commander_ like how she once viewed Steven, but rather as a _realistically flawed_ but _still divine_ being who stands above her to _inspire_ her and _lift her up_ so she can believe in _herself_ and stay strong.

Jasper doesn't know how to put all of that into words in a way that won't make Lapis uncomfortable; even she isn't dense enough to think that Lapis will like it if she tells her now that she sees her as a friend and an equal who is somehow _also_ a goddess. But what Jasper _can_ do is a make a _promise_ , one that will help her friend, her goddess, her savior and teacher, with her own trauma, fears, and insecurities; even goddesses have issues, Jasper figures.

Lapis waits patiently as Jasper gapes at her for a while, since the Quartz is clearly deep in thought and processing very chaotic emotions. Jasper's face suddenly takes on a determined expression and she rises from the chair to stand towering over Lapis at her full height.

This time it's Jasper's turn to suddenly sweep Lapis into a surprise-hug, wrapping her left arm around Lapis' waist and using her right hand to gently cradle the petite blue Gem's head against her chest. She imitates the way Lapis physically comforted her during their previous hug by caressing the small of her back and stroking the nape of her neck and back of her head.

But Lapis rubbed Jasper's back the way she did because Jasper was having a _breakdown_ and needed to be _comforted_. Jasper has no idea that the way she's hugging Lapis is _very_ intimate; she's just doing what feels right to her in the moment. As Jasper embraces her, Lapis blushes a deep navy blue and stammers against the Quartz's chest, "J-Jasper, w-what are you doing all of a sudden, I... uhhh." Her words fail her. While continuing to hold and caress her, Jasper gruffly replies, "I'm showing that I care about you too, Lapis."

Lapis remains at a loss for words as she tries _desperately_ to avoid thinking about how Jasper's embrace feels more significant than anyone else's. This feels _very_ different from when Steven, Peridot, Connie, or Bismuth hug her. She _tries_ to deny the existence of the part of her mind which _insists_ that being held like this by Jasper is what she really _wants_ , what she really _needs_ in her life. But she feels so _secure_ in Jasper's arms that it's _impossible_ to ignore the part of herself that wants to stop holding back, to _melt_ into the embrace and maybe, just maybe, stand up on her tiptoes, reach her arms around the back of Jasper's neck, pull her face down towards her own, and... _"NO,"_ Lapis thinks, _"that's insane! I can't, I WON'T!"_

Lapis isn't blissfully naive like Jasper; she knows _exactly_ what a crush is. But even if Lapis can _recognize_ such feelings, this is her first time _experiencing_ them. As Jasper continues to intimately embrace and caress her, Lapis can no longer keep lying to herself: She's crushing _hard_ on the big burly Quartz. But these new feelings _terrify_ her, and her confusion and trepidation are compounded by the fact that these feelings crashed down upon her in only a couple days. She can't keep lying to herself about how she feels, but she isn't sure if she _wants_ to feel this way, or if she even _should_ feel this way.

Lapis feels that not only has this crush developed shockingly quickly, but _now isn't the right time_ for it. The fact that she briefly considered trying to further her _physical_ closeness with Jasper makes Lapis not only scared, but _ashamed_ of herself.

 _"_ _It wouldn't be right,"_ Lapis thinks, _"Jasper's confusion about Steven and Connie's relationship makes it obvious that she has NO knowledge of romance, and she's in a very vulnerable place psychologically these days. She may have also been abusive and in the wrong herself at the time, but in the past I already DID once take_ _advantage of her physically in order to satisfy my fleeting, selfish impulses; I'm so glad she's forgiven me and trusts me now, and I CAN'T betray her! I REFUSE to take advantage of her naivety and vulnerability based on some crush that's come on so quickly that I'm not even sure if it truly extends beyond physical attraction!"_

But even as the _logical_ part (or is it the _illogical_ part driven by fear and shame? Lapis isn't sure of _anything_ ) of her mind thinks those things, another part of her doesn't wish to cooperate. Her bold, impulsive side nags her to _do something_ with her arms rather than just dangle them at her sides, to reach up and run her hands over Jasper's burly arms and shoulders, to weave her fingers through Jasper's hair, to take her by the hand and _dance_ with her even when _knowing_ what may result. Lapis' jumbled thoughts are a _paradox:_ Everything feels _wrong_ , and yet everything feels _right_. She _needs_ Jasper to let go of her _right now_ before she does something _crazy;_ and yet she _wants_ Jasper to keep holding her _forever_.

After several seconds (or is it minutes? Lapis can't really tell), the war within her mind reaches a ceasefire when Jasper ends the embrace and draws away. She places her hands upon Lapis' shoulders, peering down to lock eyes with her. Lapis summons the iron will that allowed her to resist Blue Diamond's old powers, steeling her mind in preparation for what's coming; whatever Jasper is about to say will likely only _increase_ Lapis' liking for her.

Jasper has a deadly serious look on her face as she voices those of her thoughts that she figures won't make Lapis uncomfortable: "I'm not just showing you that I care, Lapis. I'm also making a _promise_. Just as you promised me, I'll _never abandon_ _you_ no matter what. Furthermore, I swear that I'll _always protect you_ Lapis." Jasper unknowingly echoes some of Lapis' own thoughts as she continues, "this may all seem _crazy_ considering that we've only been friends since earlier tonight, but even if it used to be in a bad way I've _known_ you for much longer than that."

"Lapis, I never imagined that I would feel such... _closeness_ , such a deep _bond_ with anyone. You're _special_ to me, somehow _more_ special to me than anything or anyone else, even Steven. So I want you to know that you're _always safe_ with me around. My _power_ may pale in comparison to yours, but I can at least boast of being _incredibly durable;_ only power like that which you and the Diamonds possess is able to poof me or damage my gem. Thanks to Steven's explanation, I now know that the comparative fragility of _your_ body causes you fear."

"So I give you my word as both a _friend_ and a _warrior_ that if you want me to, I'll _shield_ you from any harm, at _any_ time, not only when you sleep. _Never again_ do you have to live in fear, Lapis; if you ever feel paranoid, if you ever need _help_ to feel _safe_ , come find me. I _don't_ see you as an _authority_ figure, but if you want me to I'll _follow_ you anywhere, at any time, so you can feel safe."

Lapis gapes up at Jasper in astonishment; she can hardly believe what she's hearing. _"This can't be possible,"_ she thinks, _"she's offering exactly what I've wanted for so long, but was too ashamed to ask anyone for. Is she really offering to protect me, to help me feel safe, whenever I ask her to?"_

It takes everything Lapis has not to cry as she thinks, _"she is, she really is. This is crazy, there's no way, it's like something out of a dream. I WANT to, but is it OKAY to take her up on her offer? Wait, that isn't the right question; of course it's okay, because she's offering this as a friend rather than as a subordinate. The real question is... Am I okay with ADMITTING that I want to take her up on her offer? Ugh, come on Lapis, she's patiently waiting for you to say something, you can't just stand here and gawk at her like an idiot."_

Lapis makes up her mind to just be _honest_ , replying: "Jasper, I... _thank you_ , thank you _so_ much. That's the _kindest_ thing that _anyone_ has ever offered or done for me alongside when Steven freed and healed me. Honestly I, uh... for a long time I've secretly _wished_ that _someone_ would offer to... to essentially be my on-call bodyguard... but I was just too... _afraid_ and _embarrassed_ to tell anyone. I was scared that it would seem selfish of me, and that people would find it ridiculous since I'm so powerful."

Lapis tenderly removes Jasper's hands from her shoulders, allowing her own arms to fall to her sides. She awkwardly shuffles her feet, blushing and avoiding eye contact as she continues: "Jasper, I'm, uh... I'm _really_ honored and flattered that you care so much about me, that I'm so _special_ to you. You... you matter a lot to me too. You're right that we've only been friends for the shortest time, but I feel like maybe... you might be my closest friend now. Just... _please_ don't ever tell Peridot that I said so, okay? _She's_ still my best friend _too_ , it's just that... I feel like you _understand_ me better than she or anyone else does, and it seems like _I_ understand _you_ better than anyone else does... I'm able to _tell_ you things that I'm not comfortable admitting to _anyone_ else."

Lapis thinks to herself that maybe it's _not_ so ridiculous after all that she's developed a crush on Jasper so quickly, and that while still _only_ _a crush_ at this point, her feelings _definitely_ extend beyond mere physical attraction. But she still feels that it's far too _soon_ to bring something like romance into the mix, and that it wouldn't be _right_ since Jasper is currently so vulnerable.

Lapis is far from oblivious; having acknowledged her own feelings, she can now see that Jasper shows obvious signs of reciprocating them. But she _justifiably_ fears that Jasper's feelings may be suspect and mistaken due to her current state of psychological vulnerability. She wonders if Jasper is experiencing _misplaced_ attraction due to how Lapis has stood as her beacon of hope during this trying time, perhaps combined with some lingering feelings of dependency stemming from their toxic past together as Malachite. Lapis is paranoid enough to question whether even _her_ attraction might be misplaced.

All these thoughts race through Lapis' mind in a few seconds while Jasper waits patiently for her to continue. It takes Lapis just a moment more to decide upon her course of action: She'll keep being here for Jasper as a _friend_ , and _nothing more_. She decides to wait patiently to see if her feelings stick, and until Jasper is no longer in such a delicate transitional state; at _that_ point, if she finds herself _still_ attracted to Jasper, she'll confess her feelings. Lapis is even more patient (most of the time, anyway) than most Gems, so she figures that if Bismuth can keep carrying a torch for Pearl for centuries without driving herself insane, then _she_ can easily wait as long as necessary to see how things play out with Jasper.

Jasper correctly deduces that Lapis' pause is so she can think things over, although she thinks it's only so Lapis can decide whether to take her up on her "bodyguard" offer, so she stands patiently waiting for her to continue. Truth be told, Jasper _is_ a bit nervous though, and starts to fiddle with and twirl the ends of her hair (since when has that been her nervous habit, she wonders) while gazing down at Lapis who continues to avoid eye contact. Jasper stops fidgeting when Lapis abruptly looks up and locks eyes with her before continuing:

"S-sorry I had to spend so long thinking, Jasper. I think that like you said... that maybe... the fact that we've grown so _close_ so _quickly_ has something to do with how we already knew each other... because of all the time we spent as Malachite. I know that time was _horrible_ , but... thanks to that we _know_ and _understand_ each other in ways that _no one else_ does. We've seen the _worst_ and _weakest_ sides of each other, the sides that we try to keep _hidden_ from everyone else, and now that we're friends we've accepted and forgiven each other even after all that."

"But now, we've also seen the _best_ sides of each other. Jasper, you _once_ brought out the most _awful_ part of me, but _now_ you've brought out what I like to believe is the _greatest_ part of me, the part of me that's _strong_ , the part of me that can _help_ people, that helped _you_ learn to better yourself... and I'll always be proud that I was able to help you, Jasper. And now _I've_ seen the best side of _you_ , too... the side of you that's strong, compassionate, and protective. I've seen that you're able to be a wonderful friend."

"So Jasper, I don't mind at all that you've come to see me as more special than anything else, it actually makes me _really happy_ that you feel that way, it makes me feel like... like I really _am_ special. And I'll take you up on your offer, if it really is what you want to do. I don't _always_ feel afraid, and on a logical level I _know_ I have nothing to fear, but... my fear doesn't always make _sense_ , because it's actually _paranoia_ like you said... so when... when I _am_ afraid, I... I'll do what you said and come find you, so that you can make me feel safe and protected. Because when I'm with you, I _do_ feel secure. Again, _thank you_ Jasper. You're an amazing friend."

As Lapis says all that, Jasper feels her self-confidence grow to entirely new heights; by the time Lapis finishes Jasper has forgotten all of her insecurities, and she feels completely self-assured. She stands tall in her "usual" posture with her arms crossed and a cocky, _genuinely_ confident grin upon her face; Lapis can't help blushing as she gazes up at Jasper and thinks, _"oh my stars, she's so HOT when she stands and grins like that._ _Hmmm, it feels nice to be honest with myself about my thoughts. There's no denying it anymore, I have the same 'type' that Pearl does: I like 'em BIG and IMPOSING."_

Jasper replies: "Of course Lapis, it'll be _my pleasure_ to protect you. As I told My Diamond, I'll _always_ have my pride as a warrior no matter how much I change, and there's nothing I take more pride in as a warrior than my resilience. If my physical toughness can help you feel safe, then that makes me truly happy; to be _needed_ again as a warrior, only now for the _right_ reasons, for a _friend_ , is a wonderful feeling. You're incredible and awe-inspiring, and if you've always secretly _wanted_ a guardian then you _deserve_ to have one. So once again I give you my word; I swear upon my pride as a warrior that I'll lay down my life if needed to protect you."

Lapis looks very grateful, but nevertheless the blush drains from her face and her eyes widen with distress; she averts her eyes again and shuffles her feet, taking hold of the crook of her left elbow with her right hand as she stammers in reply: "J-Jasper, no, please, I... I didn't mean... I wouldn't want you to _die_ for me, that's... I couldn't have that on my conscience, I mean, I-"

Jasper's face takes on a stern look as she abruptly cuts her off: "Enough of that nonsense, you know something like this isn't just about what _you_ want! I've learned enough from Steven and that mother bird to know that the _strongest_ people will put their lives on the line to protect what they care about."

Jasper's face softens as she continues: "You're taking things the wrong way, Lapis. I don't _want_ to die for you, I'd _much rather_ keep living as your friend. What I'm saying is that I won't hesitate to do what _must_ be done in a worst case scenario. You know that such a decision is _mine_ to make, Lapis. You put your life on the line to help your friends fight the _Diamonds_ even when you _knew_ they were too powerful for you to defeat, and you risked your life to help Steven when he was a rampaging monster. You would lay down your life for the people you care about, and so would I."

Lapis sighs and raises her eyes to look at Jasper again, smiling a bit sadly as she replies: "You're right, Jasper. When people care about each other and are truly strong, then they'll do _anything_ to protect each other. But that also means that if there ever _is_ another real threat, then I...I will..." Lapis balls her fists at her sides as her sad smile shifts into one of fierce determination, a fire lighting in her eyes as she finishes by saying: " _I'll_ put _my_ life on the line for _you_ too, because _that's how much you mean to me Jasper!_ When it comes to protecting me when I'm afraid, all I ask is that you watch my blind spots! I _promised_ I'll never give up on you, and I meant that when it comes to _any_ scenario; I'll support you in your journey as a person _and_ in the heat of battle!"

Jasper grins down at Lapis with respect for her as a fellow warrior, replying: "Heh, now _there's_ a look I like to see on your face, and _those_ are words I enjoy hearing you say! I've told you Lapis, _strong and fierce_ is a look that suits you, and happiness suits you far better than sadness." Lapis blushes deeply and forces herself to maintain eye contact while she inwardly squeals with glee. She thinks to herself, _"EEEEE oh my stars, Jasper basically just complimented my appearance again, and she looks and sounds so TOUGH, she really is sooo HO... oh my gosh what the heck Lapis, you're like a schoolgirl with a crush in a shojo manga, no wonder Steven and Connie can't help teasing you! Ugh, at least it's better than being in denial, and thankfully Jasper is clueless."_

Other than her blush, Lapis maintains her composure as Jasper continues unabated: "So I suppose if there ever _is_ another threat, you and I will just have to put our lives on the line _together_ and watch each other's backs to protect _each other_. From what I've seen of you Crystal Gems, I'm pretty sure _that's_ how friendship works between _warriors_ like us, isn't it?"

Lapis' blush subsides and she chuckles for a few seconds, grinning at Jasper as she replies: "You're right Jasper, that's _exactly_ how things work! I just hope it'll never come to that. I really hope that the days when I and the other Crystal Gems have to fight are over with by now, because I'm _sick and tired of fighting_." Her face turns serious by the end of her statement, and she heaves a sigh. She may be one of the five most powerful people in the universe, but she really _is_ tired of battles. All she wants is to live a peaceful life with her friends from now on.

Jasper surprises Lapis with her reply, as she sighs as well and says: "Yeah, I think I... I'm sick and tired of _real_ battles, too... especially since battling from the moment I was created is what _broke_ me. The last time I _did_ fight without me _or_ my opponent holding back, things got very... out of hand, and it... it didn't end well for me or My Diamond." Jasper's eyes abruptly glaze over and she loses focus on Lapis and the world around them. Lapis knows the look of someone starting to have a flashback; it's the same look Jasper got on her face at one point during her earlier conversation with Steven, only this time with her eyes open. Lapis' heart breaks again for her friends as she thinks, _"oh stars, her shattering seriously did screw both her and Steven up badly."_

Before Lapis can provide comforting support to bring Jasper back to reality, the Quartz snaps _herself_ out of it and continues speaking as if there was no pause; Lapis wisely pretends she didn't notice anything as Jasper continues: "It'd be nice to _spar_ with strong fighters, I'd like to ask your friend Bismuth to fight me without our lives on the line so I can see what she's made of... a friendly rematch with Garnet could also prove enjoyable... and it'd be nice to meet Spinel and spar with her someday, too... but as far as fighting with my life on the line goes, I think I'd rather not _have_ to do that anymore. I'll always keep up with my training to stay _prepared_ in case my power is _needed_ , but like you said, I hope we'll only see peaceful days from now on."

Lapis lunges forward and hugs Jasper (who's starting to grow accustomed to surprise-hugs) and after a few seconds pulls back and smiles _that_ smile again before telling her: "Oh Jasper, I'm _so_ glad to hear you say that, it's exactly the way that I and the rest of the Crystal Gems think about fighting! That attitude towards battle is the true strength we've been talking about, and you _really have_ become strong!"

Jasper smiles pridefully again when Lapis says this, and Lapis continues: "As far as sparring with Bismuth goes, I know she'd love that, because she's _said_ that she'd like to spar with you sometime! As for sparring with Spinel, I can see why you'd want to since she's powerful, skilled, and has a very _unique_ fighting style, but... she's _extremely_ emotionally unstable, Jasper. You'd have to ask Steven or the Diamonds if they think that sparring with her would be okay... I don't know her well, but they do. What I do know is that Spinel's trauma is _very_ similar to mine, but she's _worse_ than me when it comes to... _snapping_. Like I said, you'd have to ask Steven about it."

"And yeah, I'm sure that Garnet would like to spar with you! She already regularly spars with Bismuth, and she'd probably enjoy a three-way free-for-all with you, her, and Bismuth. I'd honestly find that _fascinating_ to watch; personally I'd bet on _you_ to win, but don't tell them that." She chuckles and grins at Jasper.

Jasper _somehow_ looks even _more_ cocky and prideful when Lapis says that, but Lapis sees some uncertainty in her eyes when thinking more about the idea of sparring with Garnet. Lapis continues: "And yeah, I know that before you can ask anything like that of the original Crystal Gems you'll have to work things out with them... but remember what Steven and I said, they're great people who will readily forgive you."

The little spark of doubt fades from Jasper's eyes, but before she can reply, Lapis keeps speaking: "Anyway, _I'd_ also be happy to help you train by sparring with you!" Lapis smiles, but after a moment's thought her expression falters; in a small, uncertain voice she continues: "I... I-I mean, if... if you think that'd be okay... if my powers wouldn't... trigger you." Lapis' voice fades to barely more than a whisper by those last two words as she wrings her hands and looks down at her feet with a guilty expression.

Lapis is shocked when Jasper responds with a _very_ intimate gesture: She tenderly takes hold of Lapis' chin and gently turns her face upward to make eye contact. Lapis blushes more heavily than she ever has in her _entire_ life up to this point; as Jasper holds her chin and gazes into her eyes, Lapis gapes up at her and thinks, _"oh stars, KEEP IT TOGETHER, Jasper doesn't know what she's doing! RESIST the urge to nuzzle against her hand, don't do it, DON'T!"_ As the last of Lapis' self-control slips away, Jasper lets go of her chin ( _"oh thank goodness, one more second and I might've really done it,"_ Lapis thinks) and places her hand gently upon Lapis' shoulder while maintaining eye contact.

Jasper ignores Lapis' blush, which she figures is simply due to embarrassment, and smiles a lopsided, cocky, _mischievous_ grin (Lapis nearly _swoons)_ as she looks into her eyes and says: "What'd I tell you about looking sad and pathetic instead of happy and strong, Lapis?" She removes her hand from Lapis' shoulder and crosses her arms again as she continues to smile down at her.

It takes Lapis a couple seconds of slack-jawed gawking before realizing that it wasn't a rhetorical question, and she awkwardly stammers: "Y... y-you said that you d... don't like when I l-look sad and w-weak... th-that you prefer to see me h-happy and strong."

Jasper naively assumes that Lapis' stammer is due to lingering guilt and uncertainty (she remains clueless concerning Lapis' _actual_ plight) and says: "Damn _right_ I said that, and I _meant_ it! _You_ ," Jasper emphasizes the word by poking Lapis in the center of her chest before crossing her arms again, " _always_ look _amazing_ , but you look _best_ when you're _smiling_ or _kicking ass_ , not when you get all _down_ on yourself!" Lapis feels like her face is _on fire_ now. Jasper is basically _flirting_ with her and doesn't even _realize_ it.

Lapis gapes idiotically at Jasper while blushing madly, thinking _"oh my gosh she's making this SO hard, this time she flat out told me she finds me attractive,"_ but Jasper continues unabated once she's satisfied that Lapis is no longer moping: "Anyway Lapis, I'm sure you're right about everything. As far as sparring with _you_ goes, I think it'd be _very_ enjoyable since I'd be able to go all out without hesitation. I don't _think_ your powers will be... triggering, as long as I'm _expecting_ them. Of course I can't be _sure_ of that, but I have a gut feeling that it'll be fine, and I'd _definitely_ like to fight you sometime."

Lapis manages to regain most of her composure, her blush fading significantly as Jasper continues: "That's the thing, for _me_ it'd be a _real_ fight, not just a spar, but I wouldn't have to _worry_ since we're friends and I trust you. It'd give me a chance to hold _nothing_ back, but without the concerns of a real battle with lives on the line. Heh, you're welcome to even try to _poof_ me if you're willing to take things that far, it's not like I'd mind and it'd make things all the more challenging for me if you put in that much more effort; I can take a whole lot of punishment, after all."

Lapis again gapes in shock at Jasper as she thinks, _"did she seriously just say she'd be fine with me trying to POOF her? I guess I should've expected that from Jasper... she does relish the idea of a challenge... but being poofed HURTS, and it's SCARY... although I guess most Gems aren't nearly as scared of poofing as I am..."_

Before Lapis can speak up on the matter, Jasper continues: "Of course, it won't be a _real_ fight for _you_ , Lapis. If you have your guard up, I'll never even be able to get within arm's length of you no matter how hard I try. That sounds like _fun_ ; you can spar to train your skills if not your raw power, while I can fight without holding back and without worrying about consequences. Heh, I'm sure you'll have to hold back _a lot_ even if you _do_ try to poof me. The Ultimate Quartz vs The Ultimate Lapis Lazuli won't be a _fair_ match for the Quartz, but that's all the more reason why I'd like to give it a shot."

Lapis replies: "Wow Jasper, that's a lot to take in... first of all, _thank you so much_ for cheering me up l... like you did, I, uh... y-you're a good f-friend." Lapis blushes heavily again as she stammers, recalling Jasper's oblivious flirting, but quickly gets a grip on herself and continues with a smile on her face and only a faint blush across her cheeks.

"I should've known that the idea of sparring with me would _excite_ you so much. I suppose a match between us _could_ be really fun. I'm _very_ hesitant about the idea of trying to _poof_ you, but I guess I could _consider_ going that far if it's really what you _want;_ it's not like these hard-light projections are our real bodies or anything, they're just holograms with mass. But it's _painful_ to get poofed, so I'm uh... I'm not sure, I'll get back to you on that. Anyway yeah, no matter what I'll honestly have to hold back _a lot_ against you like you said, heh."

Lapis grins and her eyes gain a fiery, mischievous spark as she says: "Just lemme know if you ever want a _real_ challenge and if I don't have other plans, I'll be happy to spar with you!" She looks thoughtful as she continues: "Bismuth and Garnet will be _closer_ matches for you... you'll probably have to hold back, but you should still _definitely_ spar with Bismuth sometime. Whether or not she's able to give you a good challenge, you could bond with her and make a new friend! I know all these changes over the last few days have been a bit overwhelming Jasper, but I'd _love_ to see you make more friends besides just me and Steven!"

Jasper replies: "You know, I'd like to make more friends... _eventually_... but maybe not _yet_. Your friends do seem to all be good, strong people. I _would_ like to properly get to know them sometime, but I'm not sure if I'm... _ready_. Like you said, all of this has been pretty overwhelming... it's _mentally taxing_ to change so much. _For now_ , I'd like to keep being friends with only you and Steven, because I'm still... processing... how I've changed my worldview in just a couple days. I'm taking to this empathy and friendship stuff better than I thought I would, but I'm still _adjusting_."

Jasper looks quite nervous as she continues: "I hope that's... okay with you. I can tell that you want to include me in the time you spend with your other friends, but... well... is it alright if things just... _stay as they are_ for now, and I'll let you know when I'm... _ready_ to form more connections?"

Lapis lunges forward to hug Jasper again (Jasper has decided that she _really likes_ Lapis' impulsive hugs) for just a moment, and then pulls back to smile up at her before saying: "Oh Jasper, _of course_ that's alright. It's true that I'm eager to include you in the rest of my social life, but I don't want you to feel _pressured!_ It's _totally_ fine if you need some time before trying to make more friends." Jasper looks reassured as Lapis continues.

"Jasper, I of all Gems understand better than almost anyone how hard it is to adjust to changes and adapt to a new way of living. I know these things take time; after I became Steven's friend, it took me a while to trust anyone else and open up to the idea of making _more_ friends. I was a _huge jerk_ to Peridot before I warmed up to her, because having her around was a big change that I needed time to adapt to, and it was _hard_ for me to believe that _she_ had changed and was trustworthy.

"I befriended Steven's dad soon after, but he was easy for me to trust since he's Steven's father and never seemed threatening. Then I didn't make any more friends until months after that when I properly met Connie, and then it was a while before I became friends with Bismuth; learning to trust and befriend people was a long and difficult process for me, Jasper."

"You're going through a hard time coming to grips with everything you've repressed until now, but you're in a _much_ better place mentally than ever before. Since I've been through a similar transitional period myself, I understand why you want to keep your life as it is and avoiding adding any new pressures until you've figured yourself out a bit more."

Lapis thinks to herself, _"I really am glad that I didn't give in to my impulses earlier, because Jasper has enough on her plate already. What she needs right now is for me and Steven to be her friends, and JUST a friend is what I'll be for her."_

She continues: "So you're right, it's probably for the best if right now, you just focus on the new insights and friendships you've already gained. Jasper, I really am _so_ _proud_ of you, and I'm _so happy_ to be your friend. You deeply understand me in a _different_ way than my other friends do, and I appreciate having you in my life. Your promise to protect me when I'm paranoid makes me feel _really_ special and happy, Jasper. For now, the _least_ I can do in return is set plenty of time aside to hang out with you separately from my other friends; I'll help you learn more about friendship and how people enjoy each other's company. Let me know once you _are_ ready to expand your social circle, but take as much time as you need."

Then she adds almost as an afterthought: "Oh, and if you ever want to get a hold of Steven, just lemme know! Actually, you can join us for the weekly video calls we've planned now that he's away. We'll be having one-on-one chats aside from the group ones with Bismuth and Peridot because Steven and I share a... _special_ understanding thanks to our C-PTSD. _You_ share that understanding with us, so you're welcome to join us for those calls even if no one else is."

She considers mentioning that they should get Jasper her own phone, but thinks better of it; _"one thing at a time,"_ Lapis thinks, _"it took me a while to accept life on Earth enough to adjust to the idea of owning human communications technology. Knowing Jasper, that may strike some kind of nerve regarding her pride as a Gem."_

Jasper looks relieved, and after taking a few seconds to think, she softly smiles down at Lapis and replies: "Thank you for being so understanding, Lapis. You've been _amazing_ to me these last few days; you're an _incredible_ person, you've been so kind to me and you seem to always know what to say or do to help me. You say you appreciate me; well I appreciate you too, Lapis. I guess this friendship thing really does go both ways. I'm looking forward to seeing where it'll go from here, but for now our friendship has already proven to be the single most rewarding experience of my _entire life_. Thank you for your teachings and for being so patient with me; thank you for _believing_ in me. I'll be happy to join you and My Diamond for your weekly calls, and I'll let you know when I'm ready to make more friends."

Lapis once again blushes as she peers up at Jasper and tries to come up with a response. Jasper is so _nice_ now, and it's making it _really_ difficult for Lapis to maintain her usual self-control. _"In just a couple days she's transformed from a big brawny jerkass into a big brawny adorable lug,"_ Lapis thinks, _"and it makes me wanna just grab that oblivious face of hers and plant a huge kiss on her. And THAT makes me wanna just fly out the nearest window so I WON'T do it. UGH, come on, keep it together, I JUST told myself how important it is to not escalate things beyond friendship too soon, and I promised Jasper that I won't abandon her! Seriously Lapis, get your shit together!"_

Jasper remains unaware of Lapis' struggle when almost anyone else would see it as clearly as day, and her cluelessness is so _adorable_ that it makes things even _harder_ for Lapis. Nevertheless, she manages to regain enough of her composure to reply: "Uhh... y-you... you're welcome, J-Jasper. L-like I said, I'm... um... r-really glad I've been able to help you. So, uhhh... what... what do you wanna do or talk about now?"

Lapis internally facepalms and thinks, _"great, REAL freaking smooth Lapis... my stars, I really AM like an awkward schoolgirl in a manga, that response wasn't the LEAST bit eloquent or well-thought-out_ _! Is it because this is my first crush ever, or am I just THAT LAME when it comes to experiencing attraction? Ugh, maybe I should talk to Bismuth about it and ask her how she handles being around Pearl."_

Jasper thinks nothing of Lapis' awkward demeanor, but does take Lapis' question quite seriously; she considers continuing the current conversation, but she's suddenly struck by an unexpected thought: _"Maybe it's time to stop being so SERIOUS,"_ she thinks. _"All Lapis and I have been doing these last few days is having deadly serious conversations, but I know that's not what friends usually do to have... fun... together. Since any ISSUES between us are resolved now, maybe it'd be nice to RELAX. I've never known HOW to relax and just have casual fun... but I know that Lapis and Steven enjoy doing so, and Lapis said she'll keep teaching me about friendship."_ And so, Jasper works up the courage to ask Lapis if she wants to "hang out."

_(To be continued in **Chapter Nine: "Hanging Out"** )_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yup, there it is, Lapis finally (consciously) realizes what she's feeling towards Jasper. She can no longer keep putting up a wall of denial to avoid facing her "more than friendly" thoughts.
> 
> But Lapis finally acknowledging her feelings doesn't mean things are gonna be smooth sailing from now on: Lapis is scared of her feelings; she has improved mental health and now help from Jasper to aid in dealing with her paranoia regarding external threats, but she now has to deal with being terrified of her own thoughts.
> 
> She's not wrong to feel some trepidation: As Lapis thought, her crush came on shockingly quickly, and Jasper is in a very vulnerable place psychologically. I the writer and you the readers may know better, but as Lapis considered, there's no way for her (or Jasper for that matter) to be sure if Jasper's own feelings can be taken at face value. Jasper is in such a delicate state right now that while we know better, any character in-story who takes the time to think it over (Connie did point this out to Steven in their call) will consider that Jasper's crush may be some fleeting thing due to dependency issues.
> 
> As for Lapis' justified fear that she's now blowing out of proportion, I won't give spoilers, but I'll say this: Lapis isn't good at facing new and unfamiliar fears. For now at least she can handle things by not acting on her feelings, but in the long run... this story still has its fair share of angst and drama to get through before we can get a happy ending. These two will get their happy ending, but not without some bumps in the road.
> 
> I'm enjoying the opportunity to write Lapis' thoughts now that she's acknowledged her feelings. She's always had such a sardonic wit, so writing her internal dialogue as it shifts between "notice me Jasper-senpai" (yes I know Jasper is actually younger) and "come on girl, you need to stop being so lame and cliché" is pretty fun, haha.
> 
> Lapis telling Jasper to believe in herself because she believes in Lapis and Lapis believes in her was an intentional Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann reference. SU is full of anime references (including TTGL ones), so I went for it. Lapis didn't say "believe in the me who believes in you" because that was Kamina's pre-character development catchphrase and he prefaced it with "don't believe in yourself." Post-character development, he told Simon to "believe in the Simon who believes in yourself." What Lapis tells Jasper is basically a fusion (ha ha) of those statements. Once Jasper gains more self-worth, Lapis will encourage her to believe in herself independently of other's opinions.
> 
> Speaking of walls of denial like the one Lapis just tore down: I've been planning to use this "structurally unsound, shoddily patched-up dam" metaphor for a while now. I hope you all enjoyed the potency of the metaphor.
> 
> A cool thing is how the dam metaphor also describes what happened with Steven's character arc in the franchise! He spent the entire original series and the movie walling up all his issues (waters) behind his denial (dam). As mentioned in this chapter, in "Future" the cracks/leaks in the dam manifested as uncontrolled manifestations of his Pink State, and the collapse of the dam manifested as his Monster Form. My point here is that Steven and Jasper are actually very similar characters: Both of them have a lot of trauma from lives of constant war and "duty," but they prefer to live in denial. Their big difference is that Steven's unhealthy coping mechanism is to focus on other people's problems, while Jasper's is to punch things. Yikes.
> 
> Jasper already had leaks/cracks forming in her dam for a long time (we've seen instances like the insecurity she expressed when corrupting). In this story, the cracks grow worse until the dam collapses because she's learned that the true meaning of strength isn't about punching stuff all the time. She finally looked inwards, and as a result her dam collapsed just like Steven's did at the end of "Everything's Fine."
> 
> And this is totally random but yes, Lapis reads shojo manga; the series has shown her and Amethyst reading a manga called "Pretty Hairstylist" that's clearly a shojo series. Oh and yeah, apparently Amethyst is also into shojo manga, interestingly enough.


	9. A (GOOD) Update on the Status of This Story

Hello dear readers! I'm just posting this update to assure all of you, as I have before, that _**I'm still working on this story; it isn't dead!**_ I know it's been five weeks since I posted the last chapter, so I just wanted to make it clear that Chapter Nine WILL be coming. However, _**it may still be another few weeks**_ before it arrives! I just want to update you all on what I've been working on:

-First off, you all may have already guessed that some stuff has come up in real life that has been eating up a lot of my time! As a result, I've had even less time to work on this fanfic than before, but I can assure you that I am, in fact, working on it on a semi-regular to regular (depending on my schedule) basis.

-Aside from having less free time, one of the three biggest reasons why things are taking so long is that _**Chapter Nine is going to be another very long one**_. It will, like most of the other long chapters, be broken into two parts that can be read in separate sittings! Look forward to another 15,000+ word chapter, everybody! I know I said earlier that I had a lot of Chapter Nine already prepared and planned, but well, things change: _These characters have minds of their own, **I swear they are out of my control** and they keep doing and saying things that I didn't plan on. _Needless to say, writing a 15,000+ word chapter of Lapis teaching Jasper how to relax and have fun is taking even longer than I expected!

-The second big reason for the delay is that _**I'm revising the earlier chapters!** **So far I've revised the first three.**_ Among other things I'm fixing some typos, clearing up awkward syntax, and making the dialogue sound more natural. Moreover, I'm breaking up some of the giant wall-of-text paragraphs into smaller ones to make the story easier to read. Finally, I'm adding just a couple things I didn't think of before and fixing some things that created a few small plot-holes.

-The third big reason for the delay is that _**I'm a perfectionist**_ , and my writing-process for new chapters is _**very long and tedious**_. I don't have a beta-reader and insist on doing any and all revisions myself, so once I write a chapter I go back and revise it over and over again many times before eventually getting it into its final, polished form that is ready for posting. The reason I'm revising the earlier chapters is because I'm such a perfectionist that I feel I still didn't do a good enough job with them, haha.

-Some of you may have noticed that I got an idea for and posted a short half-serious half-parodic _One Piece_ fanfic on August 13! Those of you who are One Piece fans should definitely check it out. Interestingly, Rebecca Sugar is a HUGE One Piece fan and made a number of references to it in S.U., most especially pretty much Spinel's entire move-set when fighting in the movie, haha.

-I spent a long time on a big project of revising all the chapters that so far exist for my other fic, _"Their Love Can Take Them Away Together,"_ as I've now developed these characters far enough here in the Jasper/Lapis-focused prequel to know what changes I wanted to make to that other story. Those revisions are now done, and the first six chapters of that other fic are now in their final form; just letting you guys know in case you wanna go check that out!

_**Once I finish Chapter Nine, I will obviously just delete this chapter and replace it with it! Look forward to it, in like... uhhh... yeah I dunno how long, but probably at least not until mid-October. Sorry.** _

_Until then, **feel free to go back and re-read chapters one to three now that I've revised them!** However, there is **no actual need to re-read anything** unless you want to, as I am not changing any actual major plot-elements. The revisions for Chapters Four through Eight are coming along as well, and I will be updating this update-chapter once those are done!_

When it comes to waiting for new chapters of this fic as well as _"Their Love Can Take Them Away Together"_ : _**I'd say to view it the way we all viewed the wait for new episodes of the canon franchise**_ back when it was still airing! _**There will be hiatuses** and I can't necessarily tell you just **how long**_ those hiatuses will be, and I apologize for that, but just like Rebecca always did, I can tell you with certainty that _**more is coming and I won't leave things unfinished!**_ Heh.


End file.
